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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Same ole pain
Post Info TOPIC: Same ole pain
Debilyn


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Same ole pain
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Nothing new here. Just venting.

Isn't it amazing how the disease is not curable for us either? At least we can move on and get healthy in many ways, but for me the scar gets sore.

I was online and put ex Ah's name in.Found out he was in jail again.Oct 2010-Jan.2011. I don't know why. Then saw his mugshot. I am not kidding when I say I almost threw up. Its like those pictures of seeing someone beautiful then goes thru stages of meth.

Where is that beautiful young boy in cowboy boots with his fast car and omg how he could kiss?

Great now made myself cry.I dreamed about him last night. My dreams are super real. I woke up, and made myself go back to sleep so i could  be with him. sad eh?

Now all I can think about is finding him and just being in his bodies presense. I don't know if he would even recognize me. He does not anyone else. The brain damage is so bad.

Like Tom says, so what are you going to do? Or what do you want out of this? I have a HORRIBLE fear I won't get to see him alive before he dies. This broken down addict was my love since i was 17. not just lovers, but friends, support thru Viet Nam, his dad beating his mom, His best friend dying from Heroin and alcohol over dose.

They both were up and coming guitar players like Jimi Hendrix and more! The drug took his friend quickly, but it just eats my soul mate alive until their is nothing left.

I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I want to go tear it out of him and bring him HOME. I want him to find my glasses when I can't see to find them I want to take out his slivers. I want him to be playing his guitar sitting by the woodstove.

I want to see him gain weight as he loves my cooking. Wanna look at him as he naps with all the dogs around him.

Want him to see his Grandson who is  beautiful just like his dad and grampa used to be.

Grandson is 16 now. He chatted with me. He wanted to know where his grampa was. I told him as lovingly as I could. All he remembers is my beautiful AH reading to him at my mothers, and playing under a blanket with the dog trying to get in. All he remembers is grampa smelled good and loved him.

I woke to a river that is raging and filling up high. It scares me. I put a very strong gate up as I won't let the dogs get down there on the cliff anymore. Its brown and scary and uncontollable. I want to hang tarp so I cannot see it. And I thought about my A with a disease JUST like that river. A killer, uncontrollable, ugly, deadly, ugh.

So here i am years later, still sick from this disease. But now I have the tools and knowledge to survive it.

No one doubts me now how much I love and loved this man since he was a child. Real love does not die, does not remember injury, forgives, and everytime, every kiss was like the first. Every time. So NO that passion does not always go away. Ours was only added to.

Then the disease came and took him away. He was so weak from the brain surgery he went.

I gotta find him, I have a friend who loves him too. She lost her husband to the disease also. he died. She is wise Al Anon. So she will support me. I don't care if it is bad. I have to see him before he dies.

thank you for listening. I do love you guys, debilyn



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

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Pushka


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Hugs deb, so sorry you are hurting. Sending love and support p

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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
bud


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((((Debi))))

Ok, now you have me crying with you! Yes, when I think of my beautiful memories and how much I loved and love my ex, it is so sad how the disease overcomes them, changes them, slowly kills them, kills our relationship with them.

I understand your desire to see him. I'm sorry you're hurting, but am so grateful you are here. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

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GailMichelle


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I'm sorry for your deep pain.  I can't imagine what it is like for you.

Wish I could reach out and give you a warm hug.

Take good care, Gail



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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light.  Lama Surya Das

Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die.  Malachy McCourt
tommyecat


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Deb, I love you girl.  I am sending you a cyber hug and loving prayers to lift you up.

{{{hugs}}}

Tommye



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