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Ok guys, I dont want to unload too much, but I am finding myself becoming more isolated because of my situation.I havent posted here, or gone to meetings in awhile and I am basically just existing day to day.Things were okay for a while, then my AH started letting the alcohol creep back into family gatherings, and his time with friends on the land.I felt it was causing a change in his thinking. But maybe it is more a change in my thinking.It pisses me off.When I expressed my discontent after days of the anger growing within me, he got physical.Yes, he was drinking.Yes he has pushed me before, but this time he pushed me around and then he kicked me in my leg.Flat out kicked me to where I lost my footing.I left in the car and planned to go to a hotel.He started the mind games of calling and saying he would file charges against me because of scratches on his arms that occurred during my defending myself.Because of my job, I really didnt want the police involved.After some time, I went back home and stayed in the bedroom away from him.That weekend I packed and planned to file for divorce on Monday.He talked me out of it, after many hours of me sitting in my car trying to leave.He wrote a contract that he would never drink again, never put his hands on me in anger again and include me in family decisions and finances.I took it thinking Ill just let him have his way for now.But I cant let it go.I still harbor so much resentment that no matter what he does, it is not going to be okay with me.He was sweet for a day or so, and isnt drinking, but two weeks later I find myself still hurt.I told him I cannot be close to someone who feels such contempt as to do that to me and that it really makes me sad.It is my last thought when I go to bed at night and my first thought in the morning.I see a possible future together as parents and grandparents, but not as a couple as of right now.We are living parallel lives and when I ask for something he still acts like Im expecting too much.But I feel he has a whole lot to make up for.He said he is sorry and that I push him to it. Now I am battling this feeling of worthlessness and hopelessness.And I am really trying not to make it all about me, but it feels like it is.I am finding myself getting irritated and insulted more easily.He is out there just pursuing activities that make him feel good about himself and I am wallowing and feeling less of a person day by day. How do I move past this short of praying for God to remove my feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. And the anger I still feel for him is palpable. I even told him as I was trying to leave that I hated him and didnt want him in my life.He said he didnt believe me and to give him a chance.But I still feel it.The holidays are coming, we are acting as if we are a couple, but somehow I want him to know that this is NOT alright and we are not a couple in my eyes. I prayed this morning to be released of the anger, but at the same time I feel its all I really have that I can control.Help!
Hugs, I just want you to know physical violence is never ok under any circumstances. The hardest resentment to let go of is a justifiable one. You have every reason to feel angry and resentful to. Is it possible to go to a meeting? You deserve to be supported face to face and be loved and cared for as you figure out your own answers. Having a back up plan in cases of extreme behavior is a have to it doesn't qualify under a might be a consideration to take. Sending loads of love and support during this difficult time. I will be praying for you. Hugs p
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I do know where the local shelter is and have available funds to rent a hotel without being tracked if needed. I just hate to take that step. However, I am willing to do it to avoid the abuse. I just know once I do that, I won't be going back and it seems so final. Like the last nail in the coffin. I will try to get to a meeting. I can next week for sure.
The first thing I would like to say is that I can feel for where you are. I have been through domestic violence and what you are descibing is certainly DV. Please try to understand that you did not drive him to it. You did not ask to be hit. No one ever does. It is thier own issues of anger and control that make them hit. The last time I got hit by my (now ex) partner I said to him... "That is the second last time you do that, because the next time I am walking and there will be no conversation about it" Naturally he argued with me, well gonow then if you think that is the way it is etc etc. I allowed him to rant and rave and I sat there very calmly looking at him. I said, "I will give you the opportunity and the benefit of living up to this, but believe that was the second last time you will ever hit me"
It turned out that it was the last time and I was wrong. A good kind of wrong I think. He never physically hit me again.
Of course this had gone on for so long, and all the other forms of abuse continued. I still left him a couple of years later I think.. not sureon the time frame. He knew, that if he physically hit me again (his favourite was strangling me), that I would walk no questions asked.
It is not alright and it never is.
I am not suggesting you leave him, but I am suggesting that you have an emergency plan in place. My Mum had some money for me to get home if I ever needed to in a hurry. I didn't have pets at that time so I had only a job and no other ties.
When we did separate, I never saw him again. I communicated everything through fax for our settlement. I sent some stuff back tohim in a taxi. When I went to the house to get some of my belongings, I took the police with me.
He did lots of very nasty things behind my back, but I am alive today with no physical scars.
Make a plan for your own safety. And pray that you wil never need it.
Dear OG - about giving him a chance, you can give him a chance to prove to you things will be different but you DON'T have to be living together for him to do it. My now ex still has a chance to change his life and get me back - but he isn't doing it, that's his choice; he's got the chance, will he take it?
About blaming you for the abuse - there's a Domestic Violence booklet I picked up somewhere and read thinking, oh my GOODNESS, so much of this applies to me even though mine never hit me! The blaming is their way to shift the responsibility to let them justify their being abusive - if you are responsible because you pushed his buttons, then its your fault, not his. (if they really had buttons we could push, we would push the ones that say - Take out the Garbage, and, put duct tape on the hit me button.)
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Hi and my story shadows likemyheart's the violence was coming and the other stuff was already there. I woke up scared and couldn't sleep once he scared the stuff out of me in the middle of the night waking me up out of sleep and I knew there was a gun in the house. I just couldn't do it anymore. He knows if he got it together and worked a recovery program there could be hope, but he doesn't and my life is moving forward and I am no longer stuck in fear. I believe you will make a decision and move through it in your time. Take care of yourself! I am sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Oldergraduate - I really feel for you. I hear you loud and clear that your heart is screaming "It's over!" but the change of actually leaving is terrifying as he has been in your life for SOO long. I felt like that when leaving my ex and that was just after 7 years together. By the time of the break up, it had escalated to violence with us too. He threw a bag of my clothes at my head which snapped my neck back and also threatened to hit me with a hammer. Thankfully, by that time I was literally on my way out.
I guess what I really want to share with you from my own experience is that I felt that I was giving away little bits of my soul by staying with him as long as I did. I felt like it was sipping poison slowly. When I left I was totally broken and scared, but I developed a new life and found support through 12 step meetings. I got busy restructuring my identity and finding out what made me happy. All I knew from years in that sad relationship was what made me unhappy.
So, I pray for you to have peace, serenity, and strength. But please know that I understand how terrifying and confusing your situation is. I do know what it feels like to have a huge part of your identity tied to someone that you know is no longer good for you and that you actually can barely stand any more.
Its pretty natural you would feel resentment. My life with the ex A got very very very ugly at times. I found I had to detach and make a plan be. Until I started making a plan be all the talk of separating and moving on didn't mean much. Once I started to make a plan be about what I would need if I left him I stopped being drawn into his drama. I stopped being full of resentment. The focus was finally on me.
Of course I didn't leave the ex A for a long long time while I was making the plan be. I had lots and lots of obstacles.
All of the words of comfort and advice really mean a lot to me. I am working through this and still trying to decide what is best for me. I am angry, but am trying to see beyond the actions while still standing my ground and detaching with love. I am so confused by what motivates my AH that it makes it hard to respond.. He has always been threatened by my having friends and so I didnt develop friendships. Now that I am, he says I am becoming my friend and when I spent the day shopping with her Friday for things for the house, he went to a co-workers and ended up drinking. This was the first time since he signed the contract saying he wouldnt. I reminded him of that and he was angry and threatened divorce and said he doesnt have a marriage. At first that upset me, but he left and when he did, I found that I was okay if we ended the marriage. I finally knew I would be okay, either way. This gave me the ability to have grace and be forgiving somehow and so the rest of the weekend I was nicer. I tried to be a giving wife. I was afraid that he would think I was condoning his drinking, but I decided he knows how I feel about it by now. I am finally realizing that I cant make him not drink. I can only chose my behavior if he does. So, thats where I am at. Some of you suggested that I have a backup plan, and so that is what I will do. I so appreciate the support here and plan to make a meeting this week and keep coming back here too.
I'm soooo glad to get an update from you. I do have a suggestion about wondering what his motives are and that's it really doesn't matter what his motives are it only matters what yours are and how you choose to act with any given situation. What motivates an addict is their addiction and you can't rationalize with someones addiction of choice. I picture it being jello and know I can't nail it to a tree it's an exercise of futility.
Keep coming back we all care about you and want you to be safe. No one needs to live in fear and no one needs to stay in survival mode it's not living it is only surviving. It's a temporary fix (surviving) not a long term plan.
Hugs keep coming back and working on yourself you are so worth it. :) P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Pushka you are so right about not rationalizing. I do that with my mom who has alzheimer's. I know at times my thinking is not rational, but mostly I think I am sane and so try to figure out why someone acts the way they do. It's a futile effort. I will try to remember your jello analagy. That helps. Thank you.
