"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

seeking wisdom · Newbie

Am I seeing alcoholic behavior or over-reacting?

seeking wisdom · Newbie

PS her tirade was by email. This morning she left me a very chirpy and slightly breathless phone message. It feels like a trap for a verbal tirade.

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Seeking wisdom,

I am glad you are here. I think you will find comfort and support in the MIP forum. I would encourage you to consider attending face to face Alanon meetings to see whether or not the information and tools of the program may help you in your situation. It is suggested that you try 6 or more meeting before making a decision as to whether or not Alanon is for you.

The 3 C's come to mind for me here. They are: You did not Cause it, You cannot Control it, You cannot Cure it. However, there is a 4th C from our literature that is: We can Contribute to it. I myself found that I was a contributor to the denial and enabling my alcoholic without knowing it. Should you be interested, there is helpful literature in the rooms of Alanon that you may find helpful as well as a book called, Getting Them Sober by Toby R Drews.

I am glad you have found us. Please keep coming back and continue to share with us.

In support,

Tommye

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

There is an old saying that "normal is a setting on a washing machine", as in, it's always hard to pinpoint what is normal, and what is not....

To me, those things you have pointed out are HUGE red flags of a potential (i.e. very likely) issue with alcohol dependency....

Another old saying we use a lot around here is "he will either drink, or he won't... what are YOU gonna do?"

I hope you choose a program of recovery and learning.... for YOU. Al-Anon meetings are a huge help, as is much of the great literature out there. One book I always recommend is "Getting Them Sober", volume one, by Toby Rice Drews. This will help you understand what you are getting yourself into, and some great suggestions/help in how best to deal with situations around the alcoholic.

Take care

Tom

nyc018 · Senior Member

From my experience you are not overreacting at all. There are some very worrisome signs there. I think we often tend to minimize or justify others' drinking habits until it has reached the breaking point. I did that with my AH while I gradually watched the wine turn to vodka and the drinking became earlier and earlier in the day. I echo the suggestions given the above and hope you keep coming back. In support, nyc

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I am so sad the person you have met and are even considering moving to be near her is so sick.

I agree with everyone, there are some very real red flags. Red flags are to me: Stop, there IS something wrong here, pay attention. Which you have. Good for you!

Whatever it is, Love will not change it, you cannot fix it.

This is what I see, she is sharing things that are dangerous.Any child could pick up a slurpy cup and drink from it.She leaves other alcohol around unattended also AND in milk again asking for a child to drink it.

A child was just killed by drinking out of a pop bottle a store employee had put something caustic in to remove labels to change prices.

Kids DO get into things.

What makes her tell you these things?It is a totally insane thing to do to share things like that! And what we say is there is no rationalizing insanity.

I am getting a feeling you may have met on the internet and became engaged not meeting her? Just a guess. It does not matter except I wonder what you have also seen.

I know we all want a companian and when we think we met someone special it is so hard to let go! Thank your hormones, and inexperience with addicts.

Getting Them Sober like Tom said, excellent,going to Al Anon meetings great too. Keep coming. We who have been thru things that would curl your hair, from, loving an addict, want to help you NOT to go thru it too. We never tell you what to do, but we share what we have been thru and the knowledge we have taken in.

Something else you may want to consider, if she was drinking while getting pregnant and thru her pregnancy the child could easily have fas, Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. I invite you to look that up.

I am so glad you found us. We always hope people who do will come back, I bookmarked this place over ten years ago and it's been a second home ever since.

hugs, love,debilyn

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Those stand out to be as very large red flags. Do non-alcoholics drink at 9:00 in the morning? Do they put alcohol in slurpee cups to drink while out with their small child?

Sometimes alcoholics have such a determined attitude of "It's all completely normal, what are you making such a big fuss for?" that we start to doubt ourselves. Our perspective on reality gets skewed by how much they are trying to pretend everything is normal. In fact, they're denying it to themselves as much as to us.

A typical stance of an alcoholic is to deny there's a problem and be angry at the person who dared to mention that their might be. A non-alcoholic might say, "Really? You think I'm drinking too much? Oh my golly, really? I hadn't been keeping track -- that's worrying. I'd better cut back." And then they'd do it. They could do it, just on their own. Because they're not an alcoholic. The alcoholic, meanwhile, will say things like "You're imagining things," or "It's not a problem, I'll stop right away because I'm not addicted" (and then they don't stop, or they stop and start up again, keeping on denying that they're drinking). Actions not words are the thing to watch in these situations.

I hope you can learn all you can about alcoholism, and keep coming back.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Seeking Wisdom Welcome to MIP

In reading your two messages I feel you already have a great deal of wisdom Your understanding of the red flags that yo see, you intuition about her telephone call are all evidence that you are listening to your wise inner voice and have not gone into denial Good for you.

You have already received concrete suggestions and I do hope you follow up find face to face meetings in your community, and keep posting here.

Alanon mainly suggests that we make no major life changes until we are 6 months to a year in program This is so we can learn to focus on ourselves, our needs, our inner voice and do the right thing for our lives

Keep coming back You are oh so worth it.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi there and welcome to MIP. It sounds like you have received great wisdom here and have a good awareness. It sounds like your red flags are on key your A (alcoholic) is telling you ahead of time and you get to make choices atleast knowing and being aware of it ahead of time. I am glad you found us and keep coming back. I am sending you love and support on your journey!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I used to save slurpee cups and put alcohol in them all the time. I did that so I could drink wherever I wanted in public....even when driving. Why did I do that? Cuz I am a garden variety alcoholic.

Sometimes people carry on with addicts to cover up or minimize their own alcoholism. That may be the case with her. Sounds like a lot of issues to be having with someone while you are still in the engagement phase.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"