The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
last year I took a retail job on the weekends in desperation because my financial situation was so dire. As you may know the holidays are pretty hard work.
So last year I worked with a woman who I quite liked I admired her industrious nature (she worked 2 jobs). Then she started complaining and not being able to work her shifts. Like a lot of other people she over estimated how much she could do. So she cut back at short notice and I had to step in and fill her shoes. I didn't think anything much of it at the time as I was desperate for money. I felt I didn't have much choice.
Fast forward to this year and one more year of recovery under my belt. One more year of feeling very cared for in al anon (which is very new to me).
This year the same woman signs on and I find it pretty hard to be around her. I find her victim role playing very hard to deal with. Every day she has some huge project she has volunteered for, every day there are complaints about how tired she is, how overworked, how she has no moment to herself. Needless to say she also has significant physical issues that mean its a miralce she can stand up let alone stand up for a 8 hour plus shift walking and standing the whole time. What was pretty okay for me last year isn't this year.
No is not in this woman's vocabulary. Someone asks her to give to a pot luck, she cooks some elaborate dish which requires hours of shopping and cooking.
When she isn't working she has a whole long list of stuff to do for others of course.
I've always chosen the victim role and believe me last year I felt incredibly victimized to have to work on the weekend. This year I'm making it a choice, not a great choice but it is a choice. I can choose not to and try something else but I've opted not to.
I know better than to say anything except um and oh and oh. The litany is long and elaborate. I also know that it may take her getting flat on her back for her to change course. She's all set for that because she's got a broken ankle and sooner or later our bodies let us know we can't do it anymore.
What's hard is to be on the other side of the martyr, victim role. Its hard to see how off putting it is. Its hard to be around someone with no limits. It is hard to watch someone play out what I have always done. This year I have limits, I'm not people pleasing, I'm not over taxed (I'm certanly tired thats for sure). This year I'm not desperate. This year I don't feel like I have to make it up to anyone least of all me.
This year for maybe the first time ever I can accept where I am. I don't much like it but I can accept it. I'm not mired in pain, sorrow, rage and reaction. I can live without feeling I am in someone's shadow.
Most of all I'm not absolutely mired in fear.
Perhaps at some time I'll be grateful to this woman for shining the light for me so brilliantly on the victim role of no boundaries and more. Right now I have to control how I react, respond to her because its really not about her at all.
Hugs, it's often said what we react the strongest to in others is what we have in ourselves. I love newcomers to alanon I still be the first to admit the overwhelming pain they are in, I feel uncomfortable with. I'm find it hard to sit still in my seat. Even though I'm almost a year out into my own healing. It's still raw to see someone else hurting. It brings me back to how easy it would be to go back. I'm working on being kinder and more patient with myself which is helping me sit still when new comers come and share. I've also ben able to be more emotionally open I cried for the second time at a meeting. Maybe finding more patience with yourself you can extend more compassion for this gal. She is who she is and feeling resentment towards her isn't going to change her. Hugs p ;)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I was that woman too, never able to say no. Now I find that no is my strength and takes complete courage to say no which is a form of self care for me.
I had to put that into action today with a person who asked for an advance on the money for a project which will be started in a few weeks. I have all the supplies, but this in payment for the labor. I didnt have a problem with it as I have worked with this person many times before. I wrote a check but they did not deposit it in the bank in time to clear when they needed it to. So they called me asking that I go to the bank get cash to give to them today and they would give me the check tomorrow. I either had to stop what I was doing to help them or say no because it was not in my best interest to stop doing what I needed to do for me and my family. My answer was no.
God has a plan for all of us I believe. When I can step back and take care of myself first, keep the focus on myself, then I don't have time to do for others what they should have done for themselves. I thank God for the alanon program for helping me realize I put myself on the top of the priority list before anyone else.
Maresie, Great going! I printed your post out to remind me that I don't have to become involved in every drama that plays out in front of me. You have come so very, very far this past year. Applauding you. Temple
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
I don't judge this woman or dislike her. I just feel very uncomfortable having the victim role in technicolor in front of me.
I also know that I always felt I had absolutely no choices in my life at all. That is one reason I stayed with the ex A I felt there were no other choices. I could not find my way out.
In time I'm sure I will bless this woman but right now I just feel very very uncomfortable.
wow what a great post! You have made great such great progress, it is a joy to see u getting stronger.
Allow the "victim role in technicolor in front of" (you) to continue to be just that- a glaring & flashing neon sign that reminds you to detch and MYOB (and detach some more). Detach with love and remind yourself it is - A Choice for each human being to make - to sacrifice themselves for the love of others as a big fat martyr (which we know doesnt work- no one loves and respects a martyr/enabler, they just get used, resented and increasingly resentful).
Neither of us thought it was a choice for us to sacrifice our needs for others, bc it was just what we did, now we know everything we do and think is a choice.
I couldnt take hearing the bs and not saying anything - bc I am sensitive and caring too- so a way that helped me to stay within my own boundaries and stay on my side, to protect me - was to make a comment, like, it is a choice or what does being a martyr give you? If that is too confrontational for you - dont engage with her at all, when she is complaining aboout how she chooses to life her life - that is her choice, give her heaps of dignity and respect and plenty of room while you keep your personal opinions to yourself- that is how we get invested.
I would just walk away or if I couldnt leave her vicinity- ignore her with all of my might. If I cant and I am beginning to stress and be anxious bc of her words - then I would silently pray, "god I am giving this lady to you bc its none of my business and u are the only one that can help"
I have learned that whatever I am willing to let go of completely (outcomes and all) god will take willingly and receive from me - as long as I do not try to take control back. Once I own it again, I have to acknowledge my habit to control, consciously choose to exchange that behavior for something related to me, and pray it over again.
Forgive yourself all over again, this is new behavior and it takes repition and practice to create a new habit. We learn by making mistakes and having slips - be grateful you are now willing to learn -- yes I did all of this same self talk to my self-- to literally hold my hand through it. I also talk to myself (outloud) bc that way my other brain hemisphere can hear what I am doing and grasp it too.
Truth is she stays so busy so she can feel indespinsable, needed and busy bc it is all a way to avoid the self - classic codie behavior. I know I was there!
Let her be her and you make the choice to be a healthier you, one in which you can feel respect and dignity about... taking actions that foster that is the way.
Keep up the good work and progress, you are worth it and the journey will continue to get better and improve your life. Whatever we put into program, we get back exponentially!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Maresie - thank you for sharing! It sounds like you've made a lot of progress in your recovery. I'm just beginning and stories like this help me know that it all just takes time. Patience was never my thing but I'm learning. I've turned off my fastforward button and am just playing my life in real-time now. Or, I'm trying :)
Oh Maresie, how I see myself in that woman and can't stand to be near it either, the martyr by choice. The mirror is a two way sometimes which is the best lesson learned. I had 2 people lately tell me no is a word I need to say more. Funny that you post this and it hits me in a great way today! Thanks for the share!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I wouldn't say I can't stand to be near here. I am far more in control of my reactivity these days. I do know I feel incredibly uncomfortable around her.
