"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

amills4294 · Senior Member

in need of some ESH

sookie · Senior Member

I am SO sorry. It sounds like he was a little harsh and of course you are emotional, be gentle on yourself. IS there anyone there you can call tonight to come sit with you? Really--I have been there too and the best thing I did was call someone to talk it out with. Someone who could help me find the humor in it or at least hope for the next day.

And it sucks especially when an emotional crisis hits at a busy work time (I can't count how many times I was grateful that his relapse occurred on a weekend or a break so I had time to get my head together before Monday) But sometimes finding something to be grateful for is what helps me pull it together. It also always helps me to just remember the "facts" about my AH's disease and his behavior. Live and let live helps me--I need to LIVE being key...and I have no control over his choices, let him live.

Be gentle on yourself right now--in this moment--and do what you need to do to keep going for your daughter (and dogs and lizard). They need you and you are the right person for that job! It will unfold as it is meant to be and as long as you are taking care of yourself emotionally and physically, it will be OK. You are definitely not alone.

Best wishes for peace.

Doozy · Senior Member

I'm so sorry amills! I wish I had more ESH to offer, but I will at least send a note of support and understanding.

I hope you can call some people for support even if they're far away, and maybe reach out through some local Alanoners. I bet you would find a lot of understanding and support. Even reaching out through a church or counseling would probably help. It's just a really hard thing to deal with all alone. I think these are always good times for prayer.

I'm also a believer in the value of crying. It is okay to cry and I think it's a good and natural way to process intense pain. I completely respect that you'd want to keep your daughter protected from this pain, but maybe you could just take a walk, drive, shower, something to get a little privacy and cry it out. If you can, you might even want to take some sick time from work just to get stabilized.

In my case, my exboyfriend left a couple times before the last time. Once he did just say this is over and walked out the door. It felt so cold. It really hurt. I took it personally and it felt like he didn't even care at all. I felt devastated. Later, I realized that I think he couldn't handle those feelings. He just numbed out when he felt sad or anxious or angry. He probably left and got loaded. I stayed there and hurt so much because I was sober and feeling all the love and loss. With what I've learned from Alanon, I try now not to take it personally. I see that he's sick and just didn't have the ability to stick with those feelings and show his emotions. I know he loved me. I know he did and we had something real and good. We just couldn't make it work, especially with addictions in the way. I don't know if that's the case for your husband, but your story reminded me of how I felt sitting on the couch after he walked out. I don't know if that's helpful or not, please take what you like and leave the rest.

I'm really sorry to hear about what you're going through and I wish you lots of strength right now!

Sending you a hug ~
Doozy

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

For me, it would be the shock of the way he did it. He said hurtfull things do validate himself and his decision.

I know you may not feel like it right now but it may just be your HP working in that he finally did make a decision and took all that pressure off you.

It may all feel overwhelming right now. I find, in a time of crisis, it helps to sit down and write a list of the important things that have to get done and the rest are good if they get done, but if they don't... then thats ok, Monday will still be ok... or tomorrow etc.

I don't have children so I am not sure how to deal with that one. Dogs are usually pretty good with just a pat and a bowl of water and food, the lizard.. I am guessing doesn't take a lot of effort in the humanistic comfort department, but food and water would be good too.

Food and water for you and your daughter and a chat to a mate on the phone. Maybe your daughter could call a friend too.

Itis a terrible time to go through no matter how long the prelude to it is....... one thing I can see tho.... at least the decision is now made.

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Sorry to hear about this Alexis.... you've already received some great love & suggestions of reaching out on here - the only other thing I can offer is this is where it's helpful not to get too far ahead of yourself & your thinking here - stay in the moment.... ODAT can be one day, one hour, one minute, etc.....

Take care

Tom

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs, I'm so sorry you are hurting. Be gentle with yourself, know others are thinking of you and sending love, support and positive thoughts. Hugs, p ;)

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Over the last year and a half Alexis, sometimes all I could do was work and keep my head down - the vision of myself as a donkey walking slowly ever onward after the carrot tied to a stick on her back was me. One day at a time was one step at a time for me sometimes; it is that hard and I'm sorry you are going through it.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Alexis)))))...stuff like that sucks soooo bad!! and still at times it is reality at times. It's good you have us to lean on...you also have the local Al-Anon hotline in the white pages to see if you can get a real person to talk to. Just a suggestion. Trying keeping all the pieces in the same pile for later when they can come back together. Sucks for your daughter too what a fatherly thing to do...kiss and leave. It ain't her fault either. Go get some ice cream and talk over it. ((((hugs)))) smile

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm so sorry. Sending hugs, and thinking of you. I am learning that you have to let yourself feel it. It's ok to cry. Something I heard in my meeting last week that I thought was so helpful. It's easy to spiral into the what if's and how and what and on it goes. Allow those thoughts only a certain amount of time, example 10 minutes, and set your watch. Allow yourself that, then stop. Go on with what you have to do.

Certainly praying, for wisdom, guidance and direction. (((((HUGS)))))

danni · Senior Member

I am sending you lots of love and support. I'm a mother of a 2 and 5 yr old, and my AH told me last night he needs to take a "break" from us...not sure what's going to happen, but I'm taking it one HOUR at a time right now. Am I ok until 6:53 am? Yes! I'll be really thinking about you and your daughter today. Easy does it, and please take extra gentle care of yourself today.

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

{{{{Alexis}}}

I am sending you love and support at this very moment. This too shall pass, one day at a time.

Thinking of you,

Tommye

nyc018 · Senior Member

So sorry you are going through this. I hope you can take some comfort in the fact that you did everything you could. I agree with the suggestion to just take things a day at a time now and focus on caring for yourself, daughter, and pets. Things have a way of working themselves out long term, just try to get through the day. Sending you esh.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh honey, you are handling it soooo much better than I did. But you can add on my Mother just died too.

I found I had to rest for a long time. It was spring break so I could. I don't know if you have sick days but if so, I took all mine.

The shock is very overwhelming. I made my life as simple as I could.

I freefeed my dogs. They always have their dry food out. Then I mix them canned food or make them some stew to put in their food every other day. Its a little thing but yet it does help.

I simplified where I could. Like now I watch tv online, have a straight talk cell, so i don't have many bills.

But you are in shock right now.I reminded me I was a walking wound. It felt like my stomach was grabbed and squished. Hope you can eat. if so again keep it very simple. Your body is injured, it really is. The key is to be as kind to you as possible. I told people I had a broken heart when they asked what was wrong.

Please ignore what he said.It means nothing. Was just cruel. I said everything is ok LOTS. Said the serenity prayer over and over.Also there is no way of saying how long before you feel better. But I promise you will. I know how you feel about no help. Losing my mother the same time was horrible.

I am so sad this has happened to you and your child.She will go by how you are to know how to deal with this. She needs to know Daddy loves her it has nothing to do with her. kids blame themselves.

Honestly and I have shared this many times honey, ONE day at a time.

I did what I had to do,all I could then rested. Did not think about anything as I could not do anymore anyway.,

The house, I called and they worked with me. Honestly if we really work on each day, we do so much better., No looking fw to things we cannot do anyway.

Usually the things we worry about never happen. Also I learned not to worry. Its ok to be concerned as it brings options and hope. My grama taught me that when she was in her 100's, I think 104...

Come here as much as you can. MIP saved my life.

We really care. love to you and your beautiful kiddo,debilyn

amills4294 · Senior Member

Thank you all for your support - it means the world to me. I take my responsibility for my part in this mess but I am proud of myself for improving how I deal with his outbursts and frustrations. I didn't slam back at him like I could have I just let him say what he had to. I let him leave. I didn't chase him or rant or scream or beg him to listen to me. I just sat. I hugged my daughter. I asked her what she was feeling. She just cried and said she didn't know. Fortunately she didn't hear his outburst. She was in the shower singing :)

He is damaged too. He has his own issues. I pray that he finds peace.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Amills,

Give him, you and your daughter to your HP. Let your HP sort it all out, the hurt, confusion, all of it. No matter what you (and your daughter) are going to be ok. Pain promotes change, working a program it promotes healing and as hard as it is and as much as it hurts it really does get better. Nothing changes, .. nothing changes.

Hugs P :)

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

Sounds very much like a typical active alcoholic to me. They do act impulsively. Generally an alcoholic is very hard to get rid of. Do you have the book Getting them Sober. I think that is a great resource for reassurance around behavior like this. Baiting behavior is pretty common.

I'm glad you are here. Lean on this board, people here will be "there" for you.

I know they always have been for me.

Maresie.

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

I pray that you too will find the peace and comfort amongst us. Please keep coming back and sharing. It does get better.

T

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Sending a prayer your way. Your higher power has a plan and while it might not make sense now, you will be stronger for this. Your higher power loves you and brings you challenges to help you find even greater peace and happiness in the long run. This is what I believe and, even if you dont buy it, I hope it helps if you just believe that I believe this for you!

Mark

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs! In support!!! Take care of you :)

rara avis · Senior Member

Sending you blessings and support in this difficult time. hugs hugs hugs!

rara avis

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I am sending you lots of love and support. I can relate and try to stay in the moment as much as possible and make meetings whenever possible. I found my sponsor when I was first all alone and it was amazing to have her to help guide me. All this time later my exAH has changed for the better and so have I apart from each other. Breathe out negativity and in love, courage, and support!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"