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I sympathize with the embarrassment post. It's taken me a very long time, but I am (mostly) beyond being able to get embarrassed by my AH behaviour. My question is, how to deal with the family pressure on "you need to control your husband!" They are really taken aback by the fact that I don't excuse or explain his behaviour any more, but I can mostly deal with that, but it still really frustrates me that they absurdly think that somehow I can stop/correct/change his episodes. (Of course, I run any damage control within my control, while things happen, to lessen impact on loved ones.) What really hurts is that they distance themselves from me, avoid us/our family, and most importantly not recognize the disease for what it is. Some say that this disease sometimes makes us pull back / avoid our loved ones. I say, sometimes that rift is at least equally shared by those loved ones. This disease has really shown me how petty my family can be. And it hurts all the more because I had such high opinions of them.
This is my wiring and it's not for everyone. Those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter. I understand the disappointment of someone not living up to our ideal. maybe I respected them if they really love me and care about me they would come around regardless. Now maybe that means when my ah isn't around maybe he's not invited I can at least understand that part of things. My ah had family where we are def labeled the losers of the bunch. Their issue and loss it really don't view it as mine or my kids. Hugs
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Tlynna, I have had a lot of ups and downs with my family too and my AH's behavior. They don't know he has an addiction problem so it is worse that they just think he's a jerk sometimes. I too try to mitigate the damage when I can but I know they look at me a lot of times like I'm crazy for living with him and his outbursts. It does help to know I'm not the only one that deals with it. I am still working on not feeling like I am somehow responsible but boy, is it a work in progress. Pushka, I hope someday to get to the place you are. I am coming to realize on this board that I am not alone, that is a huge comfort!
I appreciate this post. This truly is a family disease. I've often mentioned the struggle I have with my family regarding my AH. It is almost as painful as the one I have with him. They know all about his alcoholism now, which was inevitable since we separated due to it. In a nutshell, they hate him, think he is hopeless, and want me to throw him out of my life for good. They also tend to treat me as a victim or a loser for having anything to do with him. I love them and know they are just looking out for me but it is painful to constantly hear that I should be looking for another husband already (I'm not even divorced). Sometimes we have to draw boundaries with our own families, even though they mean well. It's very hard for them to understand what we're going through. That's why these boards are so great - people here understand. Sending much support, nyc
one of the most hurtful things that got me about this disease was that everyone turns their backs on the sick person. I am in recovery and I still find it really hard not to take my ABF s actions behaviour personally. My family and his own family are not in recovery they just think he is horrible, a waster. I find this disease so hard to live with , with the help of al anon I have seperated from my ABF he is in AA but still having slips.
Today I have had time to reflect on my reactions due to no contact and I am upset with my behaviuor I am not beating myself up because this disease is very cunning. I know it not only attacks me but all my family and friends who hate to see my pain. I chose my partner because my mother is the child of an alcoholic ,and I the grand child that is how potent it is how it ripples.
It is not about blame its horrible being in the middle of everyone reacting to the sickness and sometimes i get drawn in. I have took a step back left ABF to AA and his Hp my family still say horrible stuff about him especially my kids. In the future if we get lots of recovery and Hp wants us to reunite I just do not see how others would accept I love my family especially my kids one of the reasons I seperated is because it is a family disease its up to me with the knowledge I have if I want to live with it but my kids dont want to.
I have to respect their wishes I am trying to focus on me my life and responsibility and one day we may reunite. But I have compassion today I know he loves us he is just very ill but I only know this on a good day when I am working my programme I have learnt in al anon my family do not have this knowledge.
Pushka, I hope someday to get to the place you are.
Hugs, I don't mean to sound aloof about the situation because it hurts. What I find interesting is they are far from perfect even though they don't see it that way. Apparently, they were hatched and didn't come from the same family tree something about immaculate conception .. lol. That's where they are at and it's ok. I have seen some big hurts be done to both my AH and my AH's s/mom. I have to say these are not people I choose to be friends with outside of family events. I will be kind and courteous however calling for them to come to our home for sunday dinner not so much.
I guess my point is like it or not there are many skeletons in the closet and like it not no one is perfect. I see the hurt in my AH's eyes and it bothers me for him. I don't like to see people I love hurt. It's not up to me to fix.
I've chosen to stay out of it and because I have a uterus it's expected that I am in charge of keeping the fires burning of family. In my case it's an adoption thing and how I was raised .. I can pick whatever family I want I don't have to settle for the ones that came with the package. I have many loved ones that are not family by blood, however they are the family of my heart and those are the ones who I can talk to and will support me. I have learned who I can and can't rely on and if me being in pain is to much then I do censor what I say to them.
There was a great post a few months back that people were talking about dealing with family and things to say to defuse the situation.
Hugs P :)
It takes time and not reacting to specific people or situations. It does happen.
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Just a different view to consider -- sometimes when we live with alcoholics, their behavior becomes normalized to us. We think the outbursts, moodiness, slurring, crazy behavior, or what have you is normal and we come to treat it as "business as usual." But really it isn't normal. The rest of the world keeps a firmer grip on this perspective than we do and they tend to put up with less. I myself think they have a point -- if I had been exposed to my A's behavior straight off I never would have gotten together with him. I had to be desensitized before I could put up with it. Sometimes seeing alcoholic behavior through other eyes helps me regain my perspective -- "I'm putting up with what?!"
What really helped me when I first arrived (crawled) to the doors of An-Anon was that they use to read the AMA (Am.Med.Assn) definition of alcoholism at the start of each and every group. I learned a ton from this definition because I didn't know and didn't know that I didn't know the problem was alcoholism. In the definition it includes, "alcoholism affect everyone it comes into contact with..." I came to understand what was happening to our families and friends as a consequence of her drinking and using that helped me face the truth also. It cannot not affect everyone. ((((hugs))))
I love this post I have had my share of moments and I have dettached from most of my family as well as my exAH's and it has been for the better for me. I think you received great ESH and I loved in Pushka's first post the saying "Those that mind, don't matter and those that matter, don't mind." I have found this true. I hope you can find meetings and a sponsor if you don't already have them. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
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" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
