wow!  Well, I think your last sentence there says it all!  That is the magic question I have used daily (as many times a day as necessary) - what can I do to allow me to feel better, about myself or my situation?  And then do that thing - if you need a quiet holiday or a non-holiday - my mom would call them, spiritual holidays- the holidays where we decided to take that mental health day (break).  Some ppl go out to the movies every thanksgiving or christmas day- you could choose to volunteer at a soup kitchen and spend the day serving others who dont have homes or go for a walk and pick up pine cones all day - it is YOUr life, YOUr holidays, they are YOUr memories ~ so please do what YOU want and need to feel connected to your daughter and the HP/god.

You could start a tradition that each thanksgiving you create a new thing to do that is different from every other year.  We always did sit around together (mom and I and whoever else was in our lives at the time) and express what we were personally grateful for and what we love and value at the time.  Create a tradition that you do spend some quiet hours with your daughter, reading to her or showing her something that you looked forward to and enjoyed as a kid or right now.

When my mom said, "a spiritual holiday" (not that it would happen that frequently) but I knew it meant we would put an emphasis on what we had spiritually and it was code to not be such a huge "consumer."  Maybe we saw friends, took a long drive and talked.  Nothing beats that quality/intimate time -kids want you- not what you give them, they want intimate and real interactions with their parents.  No kid that grows up ever says - u didnt give me enough stuff (unless they are very selfish/superficial) - they want time and your love.

Releasing expectations was a very difficult task - but I connected that every time I did have an expectation I got hurt.  I finally learned that releasing expectations is another way to let go of attempting to control - control the day, control everyone's happiness, control the conversation, control control control.  We can only control and change us.  We are role models to our children.  I we run around like a chicken with its head cut off and are a spazz all day trying to live up to other's expectations of a perfect holiday and if the centerpiece and everything else is not picture perfect - my family wont love me and I will have ruined the holiday bc I take the blame --- then that is exactly what you teach your children to do and be like as an adult.

So allow your husband (and anyone else) to have their feelings of expectations and "perfectionistic" ideals (bc god only knows if it doest "appear" perfect on the outside - then we are not "perfect" and cant enjoy a meal as a family together- is all hooey and hogwash - a lie from our collective disease.  (Im acoa and perfection is an acoa thing/issue- we dont care if we feeel great - it only matters that things on the surface "appear" perfect so that we can lie to ourselves telling us we are okay bc of what we do and have on the outside).  What matters is if you do feel okay and can cope and be content with what you have, this is acceptance and reality.  Striving for an illusion of perfection will always leave humans feeling less that, bc we judge ourselves when we arent that cookie cutter reality.  Dont be afraid of owning your truth, that way if you want to change it, you can.

What I do love and remember the most about my mom and the holidays - she grew up poor, so she was creative and would create a treasure out of recycled things - like shopping at goodwill for serving trays or decorations.  Nowadays it is the $1 for cute little decorations or odds and ends.  (I have bought all $1 store items for the xmas tree- really garrish looking glittery items that look awesome on the tree!)  Or gettting remnants at a fabric store as a table runner or whatever.

She always put the music up real loud and she would sing while she cooked and chopped, we would decide together what we were going to cook.  It was fun helping her make the meal and deocrate things and give lil pressies to the dogs, as a joyful part of the celebration.  (She raised me vegetarian so to some ppl- no turkey meant the day was "ruined."  To us a day we celebrated the life of animals was a gorgeous day in our lives and it had meaning.

We also watched (first videos, now dvds) of our favorite holiday movies:  some include Babe (which she also puts on at xmas), old favs like Butch Cassidy and the Sundance kid, mister mom, Chicago, Rocky Horror Picture show (which we liked to watch for any holiday- not for everybody!), Ray and at xmas- snoopy cartoons, old black and whites like its a wonderful life and ben hur (every year).

Create a day that has meaning for YOU and honor your feelings, needs -- allow others to be miserable and judge the day if that is what they want to do.  Detach with loving compassion and own YOUr reality, just for today!  Bc it is about you, your life, your memories and your child's.

Doing your own unorthodox thing, even if it is not socially popular -- gives you integrity in your life and you are worth it.  Keep practicing no expectations and no judgment - it is the road to emowering self liberation!  Make your celebration about you and own it!  It can be whatever you want it to be!  May you have a day of peaceful resolve about whatever you choose to do.