The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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Im struggling to keep my sanity tonight....Husband has only been home for about an hour and it's taken all I have in me to stay halfway sane....We have the same charger for our phones...Well, he lost his a couple of months ago, and hasn't bothered to replace it...He needed mine tonight, and I told him I'd bring it to him as soon as my phone was charged. That wasn't good enough for him...He said some awful things to me....Accusing me of cheating....Normal stupid stuff, I guess.. I have been recording these episodes lately....They are getting worse. He tries and tries to cut me down. Told me that if I sleep with enough men, I will eventually find "love" and the he also has a couple of girls lined up...lol I wish someone would take him...I really do....I know this relationship is over, but I don't understand why he comes home acting this way...I don't provoke...Probably because I don't fight back....I don't fight anymore....He could drink all night...stay out for days, and I would not say one single word to him....Why can't that be enough for him...We don't have to fight..I won't quit school now...I am so close to finishing....I need to refocus here and figure out what I need to do....I leave this man alone!!! We sleep on separate ends of the house, yet he still wont stop...
I'm so sorry things are so rough. Alcoholism seems to thrive on drama -- my theory is that it distracts the alcoholic from his own internal pain. I wonder if there's any place you can go when things get too tough -- a friend's house, someplace like that? He sounds deep in his alcoholism. Do you have a face-to face meeting, a sponsor? This is stressful. It takes all the support available. Please keep taking good care of yourself.
Earlier today I felt just as you do right now, and at this moment I'm at peace. Hang in there, take care of yourself and don't try to figure him out leave him to your HP. Hugs.
Misery loves company. I recall when my husband would try to provoke me and I usually took the bait.
Realize that when they drink, they don't make sense. Therefore, don't waste your time trying to figure out why he says and does things. Trying to make sense of nonsense will drive you crazy!
Use your time wisely - study! You are the one that is obtaining her RN, correct? RN's make decent money and you have choices as to what setting your want to work in (one of my sons is a RN).
One day at a time, Kim. Focus on getting through school. Being able to support yourself will give you options.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Hugs kim, keep taking care of you and finish school!!! it's hard to know the whys I do think it boils down to he's an alcoholic and it's what alcoholics do. Hugs P ;)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
It sounds like he just wanted a fight and the cell phone charger just so happened to be the target. I congratulate you on staying strong and keeping your focus on finishing school. What always worked for me when I am sucked into a battle of wills is to ask, how important is it? If I look at the many ways in which I bend or go with the flow, then sometimes the path of least resistance is the softer easier way. I just so happen to have someone who would fight over anything, any topic would do. For me it took aking myself that slogan and putting it into action before the random battles would stop. It does get better.
This disease seems to feed off of dissension. Some of the stuff they dredge up is so irrational, it's like it's coming out of left field.
Difficult at times when they're trying soooo hard to push the buttons, but it helps to keep in mind that you're engaging the disease and not the person. I think it is Tom who says to visualize them as "sick, sick, sick" which can make it easier to detach from the insanity.
Stay strong and stick to your goals for YOU!
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
For me, I realized what was going on when I told it to my sponsor. She said he was looking for drama, which feeds the adrenaline rush (something we are addicted to). When the chaos is happening, they get to drink and we get our adrenaline. When I stopped feeding into it, things got better. It was hard, there were many times when I slipped and fed into it again. I like all the E S & H you got here :) Great stuff!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
You are not alone. My AH loves company when he's deep in his cups. In general, he starts with "ok" conversations, but all to often, they quickly deteriorate into "bad" conversations. Often with him going from household member (or friend on the phone) until he finds someone who'll react to his conversation. If no one will react, then often times, it becomes more of a target situation (where he lectures and physically persues the person to continue the lecture - sometimes for hours), often focusing on valid concerns (but at an inappropriate time), but never on items that point back to him. I too have thought alot about why this happens and I have to agree with Mattie, "Alcoholism seems to thrive on drama -- my theory is that it distracts the alcoholic from his own internal pain." Best wishes.
I love the word deflection and I find that arguments are never really about what is going on and really come back to fear, fear of the unknown, fear of how sick am I really, fear of abandonment, everything kind of comes from a fear based place of wanting to stay in denial or the silent handshake of if you don't change I don't have to either. It all comes back to deflecting from feeling. It is far easier to finger point and say you you you than have to say I I I. hugs it gets easier just keep coming back ;)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thank you everyone for the support. It helps so much to read another point of view to a situation. My son and I went to my parents house last night so we got a good night sleep. I turned my phone off, and didn't listen to any of his messages this morning. I deleted them all. I knew that if I listened to them I would get sucked in to the drama, and I had no room for that in my day today. Yes Mattie, I go to meetings, but don't have a sponsor. I have been talking with a friend of my mothers that has been in Alanon and also AA for many years. She has helped me sort through some of the nonsense.
Latina, I am sorry you had to feel as I did. I hope things are better for you today... Gail....Yes, I am a future RN....220 days until graduation. I'm staying focused. I don't know a whole lot, but I know not to give this up. So, I am juggling everything as well as I can.
I can relate to the drama statement. Feeds the adrenaline rush. I have been guilty of that in the past. I know I would often choose the hangover days to try and reason with him. I didn't see, at the time, what an idiot move that was, but he would be drinking, we would fight, get me all worked up, and he would pass out....Leaving me wide awake with fury. Of course, that hasn't happened in the last year or so. There isn't much I find important enough to discuss with him anymore, and I'm okay with that. I find I can manage most of the time without his input.
And Pushka, It most definitely is far easier to point the finger at others. This is one lesson I learned the hard way. I would blame blame blame...And probably still would be if it had gotten me the results I wanted...lol...Dealing with this has given me a kinder heart. I try to not jump to conclusions and be judgemental of people. I am referring to people I meet at school or work. My husband is another story. I try to just let him be as much as I can..
I have been recording these episodes lately....They are getting worse
Hi Kim... just encouraging you to 'check your motives' for doing this.... if you are recording things/issues/events for legal reasons, that's one thing.... If you are recording them to "prove" how sick he is (to him) or to "prove" how right you are (to you or others), that's another altogether.... The only reason I bring this up is by recording what he is doing or not doing, your focus is definitely remaining squarely on him and his disease.... Our 'healthy' activity is when we turn that energy & focus back to where it can honestly do some good - on ourselves...
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
no, he has no clue, and won't. Evidence for future court hearings. Always good to be prepared. I don't need to prove Or disprove anything to my husband. I want to be prepared when some judge falls for my husbands good guy act. I also save copies of his paycheck stubs and bank statements. I believe my motives are okay.
