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Hi, my name is Alexa, and obviously I am new to this forum.
I am really struggling right now trying to find a place in Alanon, but I know I really need the support and guidance that the program can give me.
I have been in a relationship with an alcoholic for almost three years now. I am only 19 years old, so he has really been the most significant relationship I have had. He has been in recovery for about a year and a half now, and is doing beautifully.
I, however, have had an AHA moment. My emotions are pretty much out of control, and I'm really reliant on my relationships with others rather than on myself. I have turbulent emotional changes, one day feeling just fine and the next moment, when something happens that I don't like or can't control, I either shut down or freak out. I need help.
I am having trouble finding an Alanon meeting that is right for me..I feel as though I am too old to go to Alateen meetings and I don't really relate to the younger teenagers there, but whenever I go to an Alanon meeting, I feel as though most of the members are older than me by about 40 years. I suppose that I might not find an in between, but I'm still having trouble walking into the meetings without feeling embarrassed because I haven't found help sooner, and really have no idea what I'm doing.
I don't really know what I'm asking for with this post, I guess I'm just mostly wondering if anyone has any advice, or can even educate me a little more about Alanon. I have only gone to a few meetings, so I'm still just a little clueless.
Keep looking for a meeting where there are a mixture of younger people and older more experienced members . Remember us old gals have been where your at and can help you with the struggles you list here in your post. share whats going on with you take a chance and let them get to know you, your going to be supprised at the support you recieve .. Do you have any of our literature ? try our ODAT it is a great daily reader for newcommers like yourself it helps to straighten out your thinking the best way to support the alcoholic in my life is to have my own program and stay out of his stuff and when I am busy looking at the things that cause me problems I have no time to get into other peoples . Next meeting try closing your eyes and listen to the similarities dont focus on the differences and it wont matter if thier over 40 or not you will know your in the right place . Louise
I don't have any literature yet, but I am planning on getting my hands on whatever I can at the next meeting I am going to attend.
I understand that older members will know exactly what I am going through, and I look forward to the time when I begin to make connections with people in Alanon, but for some reason the meetings seem so intimidating to me! I don't know if it's because I'm resisting this change because I'm scared or what, but I always panic before I go into a meeting, which is sort of sounding stupid now that I type it out, but it's just the way I always am feeling walking up to the door......
Last night, my boyfriend and I fought because he says that my emotional reactions to situations cause him to feel as though he can't approach me about problems. That made me feel really badly, and I took it so personally that I just ended up getting even more upset. Then, I became really frightened that he doesn't want to be with me, which is irrational, now I know, but I made the fight even worse by being scared. It seems everything is just a big circle where I get myself in deeper and deeper.
I'm one of those Older Ladies that you encounter in meetings and I can tell you that we've all been in your shoes -- just as irrational and out-of-control emotionally as you express here. Oddly enough, I'm 30 years older than you and my recovering alcoholic boyfriend had the same complaint about me -- that he can't talk to me about problems -- because I'm too UNemotional, lol.
Al-Anon will give you the tools to find peace and serenity within yourself if you keep your mind open to learning from the experience of others. I'll echo abbyal here and suggest that you look for the similarities rather than focusing on the differences. And, of course, you are always free to take what you like and leave the rest... for now... I've found myself taking back a lot of stuff that I initially rejected.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
You are so in the right place ( hugs ) , I can relate to every thing you have just said , we feel insecure always take things personally and over react .. sheeeesh you described the old me to a tee thankfully after many yrs here I no longer do any of those things.. being afraid of walking into a meeting is not stupid lets face it were not accustomed to the honesty thats required in those rooms and we are so used to going it alone it is difficult to ask for help ..but that too will pass. We dont trust either another biggy that too will change eventually . when we learn to trust ourselves .. again take a chance and let them in if you dont you cant get out .. your gonna be just fine . Louise
Aloha A...welcome to the family!! you got the first key already...Scared...Fear!! Petrified!! It won't kill you just scares you and screws up your head and stomach and heart and brain but not murderous.
Old gals!! I love every one of them and am just infatuated with the ones in MIP tho I watch how I say that. I'm a guy and I came into Al-Anon kinda, sorta young-ish and there were the same ladies you've been seeing in meetings and I freaked and ran and as predicted I got sicker after I ran...so sick that the elder gals didn't matter when I had no place else to go and then I heard the simple instructions and the first promise which came true for me in Al-Anon...the instructions were "Sit down, shut up, listen, learn and practice...practice...practice. The first promise made to me that came true was in the closing of the meeting which was attached to the instruction thread. Next meeting you go to; at the end in the closing listen to "If you keep and open mind...you will find help". and that really was all I was looking for.
We need your 19ishness in our family to help us remember where we came from and what happened and how it is like now so we can help each other to recover. Alateen can take you up till another couple of years and it is also a part of the Al-Anon Family Groups. I sponsored in Alateen for years and it is still a huge part of my own personal recovery.
At 19 you should recover faster than the older gals and guys I'll tell you why later in a PM. Keep coming back. (((((hugs)))))
I get what you mean feelin out of place and im still almost 10 years older than you.. I have found though that the older generation is way more compationate. Same behaviors, feelings, ect just a different time..
For me Alanon in the beginning wasnt the place where I really wanted to go. I liked what I heard but still felt uncomfortable in the rooms. Deep down inside that discomfort grew because my emotions and life were a mess. It was difficult to go to alanon where I thought these people had it together. It was hard for me to be a beginner because I was raised to know it all, have the answer, or to solve the problem. Alcoholism wasnt a problem I could solve alone. That is why I had to keep going back. I too was one of the younger members of the program, probably by 15 years. I kept going back to the meetings because I needed the relief of the program that the hour that it gave me. When I was ready, I chose a sponsor who is old enough to be my grandmother. I felt that is what I needed someone tough but gentle and loving.
One thought occurred to me reading your post. My local Alanon Information center has a phone list of Alateens that are willing to take phone calls. Perhaps it would be helpful to get some insight from teens that are close in age who have similar experiences as you.
So glad you found us here. Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself to the forum. Please keep coming back!
Hi Alexa! Welcome! I can totally relate to that panic before meetings and feeling out of place and not connected. I'm 44, and I've been going to Al Anon meetings for a year. I kept coming back, and in time I was able to gradually let my guard down and connect with people who I thought I had NOTHING in common with. I'm learning that some of the strongest, most meaningful connections are with people who, before al anon, I would never have given a second chance. I hope you will be gentle and patient with yourself and give the meetings some time. In the beginning, many say, "Keep coming back". I say it to encourage the newcomer to stick with it, because I know how scary and uncomfortable and even weird it seems at first. it is remarkable how just showing up over and over again begins to open us up to amazing things. I'm thinking about you, and I am offering you lots of support! Take care.
the best way to support the alcoholic in my life is to have my own program and stay out of his stuff and when I am busy looking at the things that cause me problems I have no time to get into other peoples . Next meeting try closing your eyes and listen to the similarities dont focus on the differences and it wont matter if thier over 40 or not you will know your in the right place . Louise