"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

rara avis · Senior Member

Recovering from being berated?

amills4294 · Senior Member

Hmmmm. That's a tough one. You can't undo the things that have already been done, you can't unhear the things that have already been said but maybe you can change how you look at them and focus on you and what you can do for you to make you feel better. It's ok to feel sad and angry and even "battered" but those are just feelings. NOT FACTS. Focus on you - not on what he's done. What are you doing for you? You are seeing an attorney - you are putting up a boundary - Guess what? you are taking care of YOU! That's pretty awesome to me!

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

You have taken a stand against the ugliness, and you are seeing a counselor and posting here are awesome steps in this process!! What is something that in the past always made you feel pretty or special?

I love to take walks this time of year because it's so beautiful outside in my area of the US. For me walking, running, working out, makes me feel strong and capable!!!

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey Rara - I'm in the process of going through every room in my house and purging it of whatever I won't use and don't want to dust anymore. I put on old country music and plow through it. When I talk relationships/dating with friends my emotions rise so I know I am a long way from being healed even though I"m back to being perky, bubbly, (annoy to my daughter) and back in charge of me. I've so many nights just sat here feeling how nice it is to be able to breathe and relax without dealing with any alcoholic or relationship bs. I think recovery from mistreatment starts with just breathing and relaxing, and enjoying being alone; getting your life back the way you want it. Certain movies catch my interest, I can pick out bullying men in movies, bullied women, children. I've given a lot of thought to different things that happened between my ex and I - I have come to the conclusion that, alcoholic addiction aside, he hated being married. I think he likes the thought of it, likes having someone do the work stuff he don't like (laundry, dishes, etc.) and liked having someone to come home to - but he didn't like any expectations of having to behave like a married man - he wanted to still go out with the boys, do all his boy stuff and only have a wife when it suited him - but then again, expected the wife to be at the beck and call when he demanded her attention. As I said, thinking a lot about different things between us - I think that is a big part of recovering who you are, what you went through, remembering the bad stuff and realizing no one should have to live that way. I think its a time heals the wounds kind of thing, there are things you can do to help, but some things just need enough time. Cheers!

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs RA,

Something I have discovered about my AH ironically this weekend as it brought up so much stuff for me from the past. How much I accepted unacceptable behavior and rationalized it as being ok. As well as he views his words and uses them to control or now he tries .. it doesn't work so well for him .. lol.

I have already shared this once however it's worth the repeat. I'm grateful I"m wired oddly or that maybe I can just step aside, outside of myself while these situations go on. It's this funky ability to analyze what is happening as it does. I've expressed more than once the out of body experiences I have and that is a God experience for me. When my AH refused to hug or kiss me good bye, I was able to just see it as a game we played together. Under normal defuct thinking I would cry and carry on about how he doesn't love me. I'm not a crier by the way .. lol so these episodes were meant to hurt me directly. As he behaved in this way I just QTIP'd and saw his behavior as a sick persons behavior and just made the decision not to play.

What I know is my truth. I'm the best person I can be, perfectly imperfect because that's just the way God made me and He doesn't make mistakes. For some reason instead of having my normal reaction I just said ok I'm sorry you feel that way and hugged my children and left the house. He stood there with his mouth open and called me mean .. LOL. Really? After all that it's the best he had?? I think it goes to show how on many levels he's seeing his behavior just isn't working for him now.

For me I have had to build my own self esteem, find my own way without needing validation of other people (especially him). Words only hurt if I let them and I give them power. If I doubt my truth then yes they hurt. If I really get that it's the dry drunk talking and I picture an empty bottle with a mouth speaking (you know with the stick legs and arms to go with it), it's that old childhood saying I'm rubber your glue whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you. It's a silly saying .. it's really true because it's really not me he's hurting he's looking to control me through pain and it's emotional pain. He has to carry that if I choose not to play.

Anyway, take what you like if you can find anything out of that ramblings. It's ok to feel the hurt just don't live there, see it, feel it, and let it go because other people's words do not define who you are .. ever .. they only have power if you give them power.

Hugs p :)

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

My ex abf and I are not having any contact he is in Aawe are taking time to focus on ourselves. I am starting to realise just how this disease has affected me. When I let my mind go its is full of poor me, resentment and a lot of other stuff which makes me feel horrible.

My parents never drank my mum is the child of an alcoholic my nan was very resentful and bitter no one liked her I can see today that she was affected my alcoholism. I do not want to be seen like that.

I am giving myself positve affimations such as

he was sick it was not about me he would have done that with anyone.

I am special, I am kind , I desrve a good life etc etc. this all makes me feel better. they say we can pick our thoughts like our clothes we just have to be mindful. I am trying to have quiet time and connect with my Hp he makes me feel special, he;lps me to understand my partner is really ill its not about me.

I am fighting the affects just like you I have cried and felt the pain, talked to people, read, read and read. lots of meetings and I am seeing a therapist.

When I am missing him because I still do I pray for him to be happy and find peace I pray for guidance. I am slowlt starting to feel a little better. I try and remember this to shall pass. I have good and bad day just trying to find me again.

hugs in recovery tracy xxx

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi RA

You have certainly begun the process of regaining yourself and your self esteem. Good for you smile

In addition, I found a daily Gratitude and MY Asset list worked very well to actually make real all the good stuff I had within myself and without in my life.

This stuff I had pushed aside saying "Oh that is not important, or but look at what he says" My sponsor taught me to focus on myself List my assets for example: I am: kind, compassionate, intelligent and on and on- Say them out loud in meetings and to your sponsor. Also review all the powerful stuff in your life daily. It works wonders to restore your feeling of wholeness and appreciation of the wonderful person that is within.

Good Luck

Doozy · Senior Member

Hi Rara! You have come so far already. I have been inspired by your strength. You have already received such wonderful ESH so far on this post.

One thing caught my attention - you were saying "I KNOW it's wrong, and I KNOW it shouldn't define who I am..." and " Intellectually I know it's not right..."

I guess my question is what's not right? Is it somehow wrong that your self esteem is suffering after this relationship?

I think it's pretty reasonable that ANYONE's self esteem would be in a puddle who has been in a relationship with an addict who was verbally and emotionally abusive. This is especially true so early after a breakup and so early in your own recovery. There doesn't seem to be anything wrong or not right about your feelings. Those feelings don't define you and you don't seem like the kind of person who will get stuck feeling bad. You're already taking so many steps to build yourself back up, which is soooo hard after the kind of experience you've been through.

Maybe I misunderstood, but I guess I just hope that you are being very gentle and patient with yourself. Sometimes I find myself being self-critical about my insecurities or lack of self esteem. That's about the worst, pointless, destructive thing I can do. Judge myself about being judgemental? Silly. I have to remind myself to be gentle, patient and compassionate with myself number one. My feelings are feelings not fact, but they are still valid and important. My puddle of self esteem is a pretty reasonable outcome for what I've gone through, but I'm not stopping there and I don't think you will either! Keep it up Rara! :)

Doozy

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Rara, look at what you actually did though. In the end you were strong enough to declare that this was no longer acceptable. You too steps to move on in a brave and persistent way. You can feel very proud of that. For every negative that creeps into you head, put your own positive in there. It seems like work after being degraded for so long, but YOU are the one that has to replace those awful messages that he put in your head with kind ones of your own.

Mark

rara avis · Senior Member

Thanks, guys. I am going to keep re-reading this! Currently I am in another city as the temporary restraining order just went through and obviously I didn't feel comfortable in my home . It's not a vacation as I am still talking to lawyers and must decide whether to pursue a stay away order [ way easier, but lax on violations ] or a restraining order [ not guaranteed to get, more stressful, tougher rules ] I am stressed out of my gourd and completely fried. The drama that one dude can create is unreal.

I am trying to take care of myself. Yesterday I went out and bought some lingerie. While I was in the store my phone rang - yup, attorney calling. Well, it's a start at least...

Appreciate this as I am awfully dang sick and tired and sad right now. Thank you!
rara avis

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

HUGS!!!!!!!!

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs RA,

I realize you don't want the suggestion of going to meetings however part of the healing process for me in the meetings has been being able to hear what others have gone through before me and some of them are currently dealing with similar situations as I am. There is such a difference in hearing and reading. I do encourage you to take care of you and if you decide to go to a meeting it won't hurt. It really helps. I leave meetings with a much lighter step than when I went in and having a sponsor does make a difference as well. They are only a phone call away when I'm not being a dork walking around my phone instead of picking it up and calling.

I know I know it all sounds cliche and trite when the suggestion is made, it's really made from a place of good intentions and knowing what has and has not worked for me. Without alanon I know I wouldn't be going on my "vacation" .. lol. Apparently in our house this is a new "v" word that isn't allowed.

Hugs and in support, P :)

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

{{{Rara}}}}

Just thinking of you while you are out of town. Sending you support and thoughts of peace and serenity. I hope you will return to a peaceful home soon.

Best,

T

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Rara... to me, something in the way of "daily affirmations" seemed to help, at least in the sense of kinda forcing yourself to say something nice about yourself, each and every day.... Any of the wonderful self-affirmation speakers out there do wonders for bruised/broken self-esteem - John Gray (author of the Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus books) is my favorite....

Tom

rosielee · Senior Member

affirmations do work- as they slowly set to work on yur belief system- because youve been treated like caca you have come to the conclusion that you must be caca, but you arent and now is the time to build yourself back up and really put the work in on yourself. the only way is up ra ra !!

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

In my face to face meetings and with my sponsor I have had so much help building myself back into a worthy human. You have had great ESH. I am sending you love and support!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"