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I first posted on here about how my AH said my love is conditional and that bothered me and at the time I didn't know how to respond to him.
I've been learning, a lot. We had a great weekend, well I'm sick but he was awesome making soup, just being there. We watched a bunch of movies. I had said thank you for taking such good care of me. We had gone to bed at around 9 last night.
At 2 I hear my dog, and I know he needs to go out, what I didn't hear was my AH telling him to hush. I realize he's no longer next to me. So I get JB out of his crate, and realize that the door to the TV room is shut, which I was going through to get to the back door so I could use the retractable leash and not have to go outside. I open the door and the room reeks, I HATE that smell. I was NOT HAPPY that he had smoked in the house, normally he takes it outside. I commented that it smells horrible and went on to take JB out. He comes and asks why I'm mad. Keep in mind, I've been woken from sleep, wasn't expecting that, and then he wants to know why I'm mad, I actually wasn't, I was just trying to get JB out and back in asap so I could get back to bed.
Then he comes to bed shortly after I get JB back in his crate and I get in bed, and he's talking about how my love is conditional, and how I'm not perfect either, and I ignore him. At this point it's after 2, and I have wake up at 4:50. I had to get up to get more medicine, since I'm fighting whatever sinus stuff is going around this area and I was coughing too much to fall back asleep. He finally passed out, after much more muttering.
This morning I sent an email, I stated that his choices are his own to make I love him no more no less. I told him I hated the way the room smelled and that it continued to reek for hours and I'm allowed to be unhappy that I walked into a nasty haze. I told him that I'm well aware that I'm not perfect and I pointed this out to him in premarital counseling and that I can continue to work on me, which is what I"m already doing.
Have I mentioned lately how thankful I am that I found this board, and my F2F meetings? Because I am, I am so thankful!!! I finally had an answer for the "conditional love" statement that used to make me so furious!!!!
Way to go! Thanks for sharing that story. Boy I've heard that "conditional love" stuff and it also drove me up the wall. I wish I'd read your post long ago.
Shoot, you should get a "get out of jail free" for this one, because nobody likes to be woken up in the middle of the night! That's like, zombie hour.
This is a great example of how alanon can work. Cheers!
Thank you for sharing - it is awful to be awakened out of a sleep and we all are not at our best when that happens. I think you did well. I'm finding that talking at night at bedtime is one of the worst times for me - I'm tired - that's my downtime - that's my time to just let everything go and to start difficult conversations at that time adds more stress to what is supposed to be recoupment time. It can be a tough battle.
My husband has pulled that "conditional love" thing on me too. He is not an alcoholic but suffers from compulsion issues. He loves and collects guns - and I'm not talking antique - the high powered stuff - all legal but very very unnerving to me. We have a very very different outlook on this issue. He got upset at me one time because I've never bought him a gun as a gift. I told him I never would. It's his choice to like them - it's his choice to actively have that as his "hobby" but it goes against my personal values, so no matter how much I love him I will not fund it. He has spent soooo much time and money with them that at times it has put us in debt so I refuse on those grounds to ever support that. Do I love him less for it? No, but I do struggle with it at times. It's more than a hobby to me once you are willing to put your family in debt over it and you are willing to spend most of your free time doing it or planning for activities around it. So, I've set my boundary. He can accept it or not.
Thank you for sharing - it is awful to be awakened out of a sleep and we all are not at our best when that happens. I think you did well. I'm finding that talking at night at bedtime is one of the worst times for me - I'm tired - that's my downtime - that's my time to just let everything go and to start difficult conversations at that time adds more stress to what is supposed to be recoupment time. It can be a tough battle.
My husband has pulled that "conditional love" thing on me too. He is not an alcoholic but suffers from compulsion issues. He loves and collects guns - and I'm not talking antique - the high powered stuff - all legal but very very unnerving to me. We have a very very different outlook on this issue. He got upset at me one time because I've never bought him a gun as a gift. I told him I never would. It's his choice to like them - it's his choice to actively have that as his "hobby" but it goes against my personal values, so no matter how much I love him I will not fund it. He has spent soooo much time and money with them that at times it has put us in debt so I refuse on those grounds to ever support that. Do I love him less for it? No, but I do struggle with it at times. It's more than a hobby to me once you are willing to put your family in debt over it and you are willing to spend most of your free time doing it or planning for activities around it. So, I've set my boundary. He can accept it or not.
I would be unnerved as well, the 2 guns in our house unnerve me!!! As for bedtime conversations, I learned early on the best way to handle is to give as little feedback as possible and re-visit the next day. I know this doesn't work for everyone and I'm fortunate that I am able to implement this the way I do.
Jackie - thank you for saying that. I'm so inside of all of this sometimes I think I'm being unreasonable. My counselor has told me that I'll never win an argument with him - he's so good at talking his way through all of this stuff that I end up feeling badly about it. I have a right to feel unnerved and I have a right to choose whether want that in my life as he has a right to choose whether or not it's important to him.
Thank you for that share. Apparently there was a full moon out on the need to have conversations with people who are 1/2 asleep .. LOL. What a great way to follow that conversation up though good for you.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
LOL on the way home from Church Saturday night I actually pointed out the beauty.... of the full moon!!! It might not have been completely full but it was round and gorgeous!
I am glad you are here too. I can see you growing and changing through your posts. Keep up the face to face meetings, you are doing so well using the tools of the program.
Keep coming back Jackie...there is more to learn and understand such as what to change when you find yourself defending against the alcoholics accusations. It comes under the study that the disease is cunning. When it turns me on myself she was no longer needed in the reality of the situation...she could leave me to my defense and self blame and guilt and shame if those last two ever arrived. When you start feeling guilty without being responsible the disease just did a "gotcha". A good conversation question is "so what's your part in it?" I ask this of myself so that I can own what is mine and I ask this of the other to help them see their part also.
Anyhow...good work...stick with it. In support ((((hugs))))
Their machinations are endless. But -- what I think -- what's wrong with love being conditional? If someone behaves badly and doesn't care that it hurts me, I think it's me protecting myself to feel less love for that person. I can think of lots of kinds of behaviors that it would be perfectly reasonable to love a person less for. If they cheated on me with someone else and didn't even care if I knew it, that would be one. Addiction is like cheating -- someone else comes first in the relationship. They always sneak away to be with their "mistress." And why shouldn't I respond by feeling less love?
The problem I see is when I keep on adoring someone who treats me badly. Been There Done That. I've had boyfriends lie and steal and I kept on loving them. The problem was not too little love on my part, but too much. Now I try to protect myself by loving them proportionately to how much love and care they devote to the relationship. If they're behaving badly and taking me for granted, well, I'm going to protect myself and not love them unconditionally. To love them unconditionally under those circumstances would just be asking to be walked on. Our love can be whole-hearted, but I think it also needs to be wise.
Unconditional love doesn't mean without boundaries. We love our children unconditionally that doesn't mean they get to do whatever they want. Loving someone as an adult unconditionally in my mind as I've never really experienced a healthy relationship (I do believe I have the opportunity to do so with my AH once we find the same page) it's a give and a take. It's not all one sided this is not an infant I'm dealing with, selfish love is just putting my needs 100% first and never taking into consideration how it affects my partner. I also find a difference in being a doormat and having self esteem. To me being a doormat means no boundaries and even though I'm angry (I was a mad doormat .. lol) just allowing things to continue status quo. Having self esteem to me means being able to set boundaries and just being ok with how the other person chooses to react and still sticking to my boundary.
Hugs p :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
