Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> preparing myself...
Post Info TOPIC: preparing myself...
kris10


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 166
Date:
preparing myself...
Permalink  

My Abf gets paid on the 16th... I already know that he will be high.. Even maybe today and the next day because he usually "fronts" some a few days in advance to him getting paid... And last month he did something different. He got paid and gave his whole paycheck to his dealer so they could buy more and he could make some more money... So while he was waiting to get the rest of his bill money to me, what he did instead was get that much more drugs instead of the money... So, it is getting worse...

I put up a boundry a couple weeks ago that if he doesn't give me his share of the bill money and what he owes me from last month as well, then he needs to find a different place to live. I CAN NOT and WILL NOT pick up his part, while that only enables him to buy more drugs... Also, as someone said when I posted about this before is that this is a BASIC RESPONSIBILITY...That is NOT MY responsibility to take care of him financialy when he is able to do so...

So, the reason for this post is that I'm preparing myself to not get the money... Gosh I will be VERY shocked if he does get it to me...Also, in a way I'm wondering if I'll be upset if he does give me the money.. I'm thinking maybe inside I put up this boundry knowing that I think he will fail and then I will have a valid reason to make him leave...??? Not so sure.. Although on the other hand if he does give me all the money I will be happy to not be short and know that that was a big effort on his part to pay me his part of the bills instead of get high... I know he thinks I won't stick to this boundry.. When I told him about it he said "well, I guess I'll live in a cardboard box." I said, "It's up to you but a cardboard box is better than nothing."  Him trying to make me feel bad.. I wasn't going there because I know how much money he gets and he is perfectly capable..

Also, I did something for myself.. (mostly) And hear me out on this one.. I blocked his dealer from calling my phone... It is my phone and my bf doesn't have one so his friends call for him as well BUT he does NOT pay any part of the bill... The reason why I blocked him form calling is because I could be anywhere just enjoying myself and then this one person calls and I have total rage come over me... It literally wrecks my day... So, I did that for my own sanity..  I KNOW that my bf is an addict and by me blocking his dealer from calling my phone it will IN NO WAY stop him from getting in contact with him and using. The reason I said I (mostly) did this for me is because this.... And I own all of this wether it is controling or not..lol  So heres the other thing... I see my bf TRYING quite a few times.. Ignoring people, just staying home, or going to AA meetings and then this dealer litterally hounds the heck out of him until his addict in him gives in and goes running to him... I find this very rude. This is his so called childhood best friend that knows he has a problem and has cirrohsis. This person is only in it for the money... Was nowhere around when my bf was sober... So while MOST of my reason to block this person is for my sanity, this is the other reason why I blocked him... I'm owning it. Like I said before this will NEVER stop my bf from contacting him from a different phone and getting what he more drugs.. But I don't need to be watching my sons basketball game and having a great time and get that one call that as soon as I see the name I want to punch someone...

 

ESH??



__________________

Kristen

danni


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 401
Date:
Permalink  

Here's a short reply, since my kids are VERY active this morning! :)  Sounds good to me!  I always feel better when I protect my space, my energy and my time with my children, regardless of how it affects others.  I am sending you TONS of support for your courage!!!



__________________
youfoundme


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1221
Date:
Permalink  

I support whatever you decide :) HUGS!

__________________

-youfoundme

Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me... 

 
Pushka


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3870
Date:
Permalink  

Hugs,

If it's in your best interest then it's in your best interest.

In support, hugs p :)

__________________

Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
tommyecat


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1594
Date:
Permalink  

I dont see how you could go wrong putting yourself first here.  Either decision you make, you have my support and understanding. 

T



__________________
Lindaoakford


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 741
Date:
Permalink  

all those reasons are for you......
they are great reasons....
your phone, your decision who calls on it. If it were me, and the friend he gets the pot from called my number and asked to speak to my husband about drugs, I would never again answer the phone to that person... totally using you to get to him.

That is a great boundary that the dealers don't access him through you. You are not buying, you have the phone, you pay for the phone, your phone. Don't enable it further by allowing him the ease of you being a conduit to a free means of communication.... stuff that for a joke.

Also, when my husband complains about any bad that comes from using drugs I always say.. there is another option you know.. you can quit. He always looks at me like I am some sort of alien talking, but it is always another option. You can live in a box or you can use your money to pay rent... up to you.... I am giving you the option, its your decision which one you do.

__________________

Linda - a work in progress
kris10


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 166
Date:
Permalink  

Boy did I call it or did I call it.... He just left to "go downtown" right after trying to call his dealer friend that I just blocked... There goes the bill money... His choice not mine.. He must have been needing it because he woke up craby... I had mentioned to my son that I was going to take a shower and my bf says "no I am going to take one." Normally I'd say.."ok" and just let him take one... Sorry NOT TODAY.. I'm sick AND taking care of a sick child at the same time... I just said "um NO, I just said that I was taking one." Then when I got out he was pissed that there was no hot water and he might have to wait 20 minutes... He started saying "wow you act like I don't exist" and stuff about me being selfish....LMAO... Are YOU KIDDING ME???? Oh boy the things I could have said.... I act like HE doesn't exist??? Wow!!! I think I just spit out a "shut up" and walked away.... So I'm sure he will come home high and being that he is already mad at me I'm sure tonight will be just great... Hopefully since I'm sick I will just pass out....

__________________

Kristen

Lindaoakford


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 741
Date:
Permalink  

Im sorry you are going through this. Stay strong

__________________

Linda - a work in progress
Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3653
Date:
Permalink  

Remember you are fighting the disease not him. What you are doing is great! It's so good to hear you made some strong boundaries.

As far as the phone, it's your phone! Plus he is using it to do illegal things. That could cause you lots of trouble. cell phones are not anonymous.

Also it concerns me so much that if gets busted, the chances are very high you will be handcuffed and hauled off too. If it is in your home, you are in trouble.

I know here in Oregon that is how it works. If there are kids in the house, they get picked up by social services.

Please let us know how it goes. Glad you are taking care of you!

love,debilyn



__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
rrib


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 256
Date:
Permalink  

kris10 wrote:

.. I blocked his dealer from calling my phone...

 Good for you! Sure, he'll still use but not because you're assisting him.



__________________
GailMichelle


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1230
Date:
Permalink  

I wish you continued courage & strength to develop and uphold your boundaries.

Well-thought out boundaries that are put into place for the right reasons enhance a person's self-respect and self-esteem, I've found.

Nice work!



__________________

You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light.  Lama Surya Das

Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die.  Malachy McCourt
kris10


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 166
Date:
Permalink  

He actually only came home with a small amount of pot.... Then offered to get me some cold medicine... ??? Still preparing for whatever may come.

__________________

Kristen

Pushka


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3870
Date:
Permalink  

Hugs kris, You've got some really strong boundaries you are sticking with, I hope you are taking care of you. And you feel better today. Hugs p ;)

__________________

Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
pinkchip


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 5663
Date:
Permalink  

Kris, sound like sane and reasonable boundaries. I actually think you are spot on with blocking the dealer from your phone. You are under no obligation to take his calls. Your BF can get his own phone.

__________________
youfoundme


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1221
Date:
Permalink  

Kris10, hugs to you!!!!

__________________

-youfoundme

Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me... 

 
kris10


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 166
Date:
Permalink  

Me being very sick today and non stop sneezing woke up to snow.....NOT what a sick chick wants to see...lol SOOooo, my bf (sober at the moment) brought my son to school and picked us up some breakfast... Apparently one must TAKE their respect back for themselves in order to get any from anyone else..?? Hey I might be on to something here...lol Anyways, so far so good.... We shall see what tonight and tomorrow will bring... A little (LOT) anxious...

__________________

Kristen

Jackie11


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 609
Date:
Permalink  

Oh wow snow, and you're sick, so sorry :(

I'm realizing that whole respect yourself and they respect you thing too, I've seen it play out a few times now.

Hugs, and feel better!!!



__________________
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> preparing myself...