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Hello :) my name is Christina and I have a few questions I've been searching the Internet for with no luck.
Lucky for me I have sober alcoholics in my family and friends to help me relate and others who will be bringing me to an alanon meeting Wednesday.
My boyfriend of 3+ years surrendered to alcoholism Saturday morning.
He is what you would consider a binge alcoholic and when he drinks (which is only on the weekends) I become afraid of him and he can be really mean. He's never really been physically abusive. A couple months ago after one of his blackouts when he had been mean his parents got involved (he's almost 30) and they promised me and so did he it would be the last time. They thought the problem was him drinking whiskey. He was sorry and I did discuss everything he had put me through. Even though he didn't deserve another chance I was willing to stay if the behavior was going to end. Needless to say it didn't. And btw we do live together. Now that he is no longer going to be drinking at all I am wondering what kinds of changes in him and our relationship to expect. I know this is a long road ahead but I sincerely believe the drinking is over. I know he needs my support and he's going to be depressed. I've been frustrated the past year wanting to get married and have kids. I know his sobriety is the most important but if he does make this change in his life do you see it better and furthering or relationship. He wants to marry me but he feels as if he isn't ready and we aren't ready. In that I have the tendency to get angry and upset with him a lot. I think this change will help. I always feel like he chooses alchol over me. While I am blamed I feel like if he works with the underlying issues of his drinking problem and he is happy spending time with me and not the bottle, if I feel loved and appreciated that our issues will go away. What do you think? Is that enough info? I love him dearly and will do whatever I need to help him. I'm putting my desires on the back burner as they have been and I am okay with that. I just need and want to know what to expect. I know it varies between person but maybe past experiences might help? Im kind of scared. I'm over joyed and this step wasn't made to keep me. I happy that he might get a grip of life and his priorities. Instead of not being happy with his job or this or that he might take steps to change things since he won't have that crutch to get him by.
Welcome to the MIP boards. I am so glad to hear you are going to an alanon meeting. I hope no matter what you will continue to go for at least 6 (it took me longer .. lol .. on me no one else I'm stubborn that way) meetings to figure out if alanon is for you.
My AH is a binger as well. He can go months, weeks right now we are at a year. The issue for me is knowing because he's not in a program (without some kind of support ) it's not a matter of if he's going to drink it's a matter of when. It's not an issue of how often he drinks really, it's how much he drinks when he drinks, and then what happens while he's drunk. The last time he was on a binge he has an issue of a DUI. Right now he's wearing a device that can tell if he's been drinking or not. It's not up to me to call him an alcoholic, he has to figure it out .. I would say based upon observation and living with him he has issues with drinking in a big way. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and I caution you not to get to excited about hearing your man is never going to drink again. The reality is they are sick. In my AH's case .. 1 is to many and 100's not enough, he can't help himself once he starts he is like the drinking ever-ready bunny he keeps going and going and going. This is until his ever-ready bunny alcohol gauge is full and just passes out. He has verbalized to me in the past that he gets to a point where he feels safe (how can he have an issue it's been six months since he drank after all) and then of course he rationalizes in his mind he can handle it and then BOOM we have another alcohol related incident as they are known in our house.
The reality is this ... your mans drinking bothers you. You need to go to alanon to learn to cope with the affects of being with a problem drinker. It's a safe place to express yourself among people who know where you are at and what you are going through feelings wise. How isolating the disease is, how much we change because we think we can control another person, place or thing (I like to try and control the past and that just so doesn't work for me .. lol). The best thing is knowing I'm not alone and I don't have to do this alone. Neither are you, you aren't alone in dealing with the affects of problem drinking and the affects it has on your life and your person.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
(((Christina))) Welcome to MIP. You will find lots of wisdom, support, ESH (experience, strength and hope) and love here. I hope your BF meant what he said about quitting drinking. I truly hope so for both your sakes. I don't know that there is much (if anything) you can do to help him. The three C's of Alanon - you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. Probably the best help he can get is through AA, from people who have been where he is and know what it's like. Just as the people in Alanon and on this board have been where you are and know what it's like. And can be a big help to you. I hope you will read the posts and replies on here and learn as much as you can about the disease of alcoholism. I know others will have more to share. Please keep coming baCK, you're in the right place.
It seems as if you have been reading my mail. Your story very similar to my own. The whiskey story was cut right out of my history too. My husband and his family thought that was the problem so he switched to other form of poisions, the last few years it has been vodka.
What I will say is that I had the same fears and difficulties as you. But for the days for which he would not drink, he is a magnificient person. So, I had no idea what to do, was completely confused. Sober members of AA that were friends of mine kept on me to attend alanon. I began slowly but gradually went to more meetings each week so I could begin to understand the disease of alcoholism and learn the tools in Alanon. I asked someone to be my sponsor because I wanted to know should I stay or should I go. Working the steps with that face to face sponsor was the path for which I was able to make that decision without wavering.
I chose to stay, one day at a time. Everyone who is faced with this decision is different. Alanon taught me how to love the man, but to dislike the disease. I realize today that my husband has no more power over taking that first drink than he does breathing. Once he starts, one is too many, ten isnt enough and the sick cycle begins.
Alanon is a one day at a time program. I learn how to detach from others and cease trying to change them by going to meetings, working the steps, and putting the tools into practice in my life. When I do so I find I am able to put myself first and find joy and happiness in my life. A lovely member here, Tom says "he is either going to drink or not, what are you going to do" That is what I boiled down to for me.
I am glad you are here. Please keep coming back. I hope you find the warmth and comfort in this online fellowship that you so deserve.
Hi Christina and welcome! You are in a great place here at MIP and will find a lot of wisdom and comfort. Wow, you're processing a lot. I think you will learn a lot from Alanon and I'm glad you're starting f2f meetings. Your feelings are totally in line with what the significant other of an alcoholic feels in the early stages...wanting things to get better and focussing on the alcoholic. The purpose of Alanon is to shift that focus to you, because we really are powerless over what someone else does, particularly when dealing with the monster of alcoholism. Just to address some things:
----------------------------------------------------------------------- Now that he is no longer going to be drinking at all I am wondering what kinds of changes in him and our relationship to expect. I know this is a long road ahead but I sincerely believe the drinking is over. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please be careful here...I've been there. A great quote from Alanon is "Expectations are predetermined resentments." Saying one will stop drinking and doing it are entirely different. For my AH, admitting he had a problem was only the first step of many before he started to take it seriously, and even now, it remians to be seen how successful he will be. It is a very overwhelming disease. I hope he is going to AA and getting a sponsor, and starting a road to recovery. You can encourage him to do that - but first of all, you have to help yourself. Hopefully he won't slip, but expecting him not to this early may potentially set yourself up for a lot of disappointment. As to what to expect...there will be lots of changes. Your goal is to get healthy yourself, regardless of whether he does. --------------------------------------------------------- I always feel like he chooses alchol over me -------------------------------------------
Yeah, That is the feeling - but he's not doing it on purpose. They choose it over everything and everyone until the spiritual recovery seriously starts to sink in and they make a choice to devote themselves to it. Your first priority is yourself. It's great that you are giving him support, but he owns his sobreity and recovery, you own your recovery. As one of our moderators Tom here says "he either will drink or won't, what are YOU going to do?" You will start to feel better once you start to let go of the anxiety. Alanon will help with that. So glad you found us and keep coming back! In support, nyc
When I first met my husband right from the begining he told me his baggage. I admire that in him still to this day. He really liked me and decided he was just going to be honest with me from the gate. The other part to this is he said something I never understood then but I do now, he said "I cannot make you any promises. I cannot say 'I promise I will not use or drink.' I can't promise that to you." I was so confused especially when we fell in love (if you love someone cant you just say I wont do it and then don't do it.) I knew he loved me with all of his heart and yet he still could not say "Michelle, I promise..." and now I get it. It's not that easy. The drugs/alcohol are in control if he is not really working a program and spiritually growing. My AH is now in AA, however, my recovery does not depend on it. When I first knew of his relapse my whole motto was "If he does it again my bags are packed and I'm out of here." My feelings are different now because I get that it is truly a disease and I also get that I did not cause it, cure it, and I can't control it. I pray for his serenity evcery night, I pray God is with him and guiding him... but I do not pray for what I want. I don't pray he stays clean/sober, I don't pray for exacts because I have learned that I have no idea what is best. It plays out how it plays out according to my HP Ive learned, and my husband's path will go according to his HP. We are on two different pathes. They meet up and we walk together, hand in hand at times.. but our pathes are separate.. there are "spaces in the togetherness" to quote kahlil gibran (the prophet) like I always do. I used to think, you get married you live happily ever after but I get why they say for better or for worse now. I am not saying I will never leave my husband. But I do know I may hate the disease but I will always love the man who is sick. He is a wonderful person with a horrible illness. I just pray for God's will and to follow in my HP's direction he leads me. I cannot say what is to come but I know for today i am working on me and he is working on him and whether he continues on the right road or goes down that dark, lonely alley.. that is out of my control.
Christina, keep reading and keep posting, I hope you enjoy going to meetings. I'll send prayers of peace from me to you.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
Hi Christina, and welcome! You have found the right place here, I hope it provides you as much wisdom and support as it has for me. I can't add much to what's already been said here, but just wanted you to know how glad I am that you are reaching out for help and answers. You will find that this board, al-anon meetings, reading books and literature on the subject- it is all geared to helping YOU not just cope, but lead a happy peaceful, contented life. It is not about 'curing' your BF. He will have to find his own way on that score. But, what surprised me most is that, by helping myself, by making myself a stronger person, not only have MY life and attitudes been changed,but all the changes in me have actually helped him, too. I truly hope that your BF is able to stop drinking. But, whether that happens or not, you have no control over him and/or his choices, and you have to just keep working on you.
Keep posting and listening to the advice you receive both here and at your al-anon meetings.
Take care of yourself, you are SO worth it!
Denise
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"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
I can also relate to your story. My AH switched from beer to vodka; his drinking increased to the point that as soon as the LCBO opened at 10:00am, he was at their door and then came home and passed out. He, then, would wander back down there again at 4:00pm for the next round. He did work at one time, but took retirement when the auto industry was in a downward spiral. Today is his day, in court, for his bond hearing, as you can see I am here in front of my computer as far away as possible. His alcoholism is his problem, and his problem alone to solve not mine. He owns his sobriety and recovery, and I own my recovery.
I agree with what Rrib said. Try to let him be in charge of his own recovery. Part of the whole process is for him to learn about himself, to take responsibility, and to grow up. If you are too involved, that will keep you enmeshed, keep him dependent on you, and it will cause ongoing fights and resentments. You can just focus on an alanon program for you and try to enjoy healthy time together as much as possible.
P.S. Expect it to be a rocky time and him to be pretty moody and childish. Maybe even it might get worse before better. Also continue to have hope, but know that many people do relapse.
I had an interesting thought the other day....In football there are the players and the cheerleaders. One never interferes with the other. I can be a great cheer leader but I have no business in his game.
