The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Mark and Jerry both got me thinking about some things over the past 24 hours. I'm so grateful to you both. I will be reading about resentment contemplating about what has me stuck in the tar pit of the past.
I gotta say I"m soooo angry right now and I feel so resentful with good reason the ironic thing is that this is stuff that is so old and I thought I had let go. I don't think I've ever let anything go about that situation, I think I buried it, and I pretended I was ok with totally unacceptable behavior and now I'm just like WTH .. that was so NOT ok. I'm really angry at myself that I ever thought or rationalized that in my world any of that was ok? WOW .. talk about defunct thinking.
My AH's reaction to me visiting my mom REALLY was like salt on a wound I had forgotten about. I feel so entitled to this visit after everything I have missed out on, my kids have missed out on because my AH chooses to process through defunct thinking and I allowed it (again mad at myself and I own my part of things). We had a silent agreement he messed up, I would change my plans. I have verbalized I no longer agree to that silent agreement and he's acting out in dry drunk fashion.
I've been staying out of my own way on some levels. I've made a conscious decision NOT to engage with him right now. I'm ok with talking to him. There have been all kinds of bait thrown out that under different circumstances I would have felt obligated to pick up. I no longer wish to engage on that level with him.
Whatever going on is so his issue. My part is that I"m angry over something that I can't control, def can't go back and give myself a different outcome.
I'm so grateful that I don't have to remain stuck in this place of anger and resentment. That it will pass and that I will be able to move forward. It just all took me by surprise and I thought I had dealt with some of this stuff and feel like someone punched me in the stomach.
I have an opporutnity to heal. I have a choice in how I choose to do it. I don't have to pick the obigatory fight with my AH and repeat our silent agreement.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I'm so grateful that I don't have to remain stuck in this place of anger and resentment. That it will pass and that I will be able to move forward. It just all took me by surprise and I thought I had dealt with some of this stuff and feel like someone punched me in the stomach.
I have an opporutnity to heal. I have a choice in how I choose to do it. I don't have to pick the obigatory fight with my AH and repeat our silent agreement.
Hugs P :)
Such great recognition!!! Thank you for sharing!!!!
Thanks for sharing! I sooooo needed to read this today. We've been in the process of moving and things were going great but my AH hit a wall today and exploded over some crap about my family. And, then started the verbal slinging of crap at me and the over-reaction to one thing I said. I refused to let it get to me today and I'm going about my business as usual; unpacking, cleaning, setting up the house, etc. He can choose to be in his funk that he brought upon himself even though I was the one he unleashed upon, I have chosen to just let it go. He's giving me one word answers, hiding in his office, and basically being a recluse. And, yes, Pushka, I don't have to pick a fight, either, nor do I have to participate in his downer mood. Thanks again, I was coming on here to vent about how he changed personalities again and how it's driving me crazy!
Feeling resentful is easy and natural in these situations; nipping it in the bud before it consumes you is the hard part, and you've done a great job in that respect. Sounds like you took a deep breath, thought about what was happening calmly and made the deliberate decision to choose the path of least pain for you. From a relative newbie like myself that seems an amazing amount of progress (and I hope to get to that point myself some day). Sending esh, nyc
Thanks for the great post, Pushka. Giving ourselves permission to let go and take a healthier course is not easy.
In yoga this weekend, the instructor told a story about the Zen master and the tea cup:
When a student requested the Zen master to teach him the remaining lessons he had to learn in order to understand Zen and reach enlightenment, the Zen master suggested they have their discussion over tea. When the tea was ready, the Zen master began pouring it into a cup he laid out for the student. He poured more and more tea into the cup until it spilled over the edge of the cup, onto the table and over the edge of the table onto the student's robes. The student cried, "Stop! The cup is already full and the tea is spilling everywhere!"
The Zen master stopped and gently smiled at the student. "You are like this cup of tea. Your mind is already full and there is no room for anything more to be added. First, you need to empty your mind. Then you will know all you need to know."
So, this weekend, my yoga class practiced physically and emotionally letting go, emptying, and refilling with something better... practicing one moment at a time.
I just had a great talk with my sponsor, I don't know why that is soooo hard to do pick up the phone and call someone where it then becomes productive. In the course of our conversation there were a few things that came to light.
I did something even better in the ways of self care. Our daughter had a concert to play. I enjoy them a great deal, however this AM was our son singing in church. My AH has missed many many of these events I don't know that he's actually heard our son sing so I figured HE could take the kids to the concert. AH wasn't happy however I AM .. lol. I enjoyed an hour long conversation of tears and laughter. It was just so very nice. We cleared some things up of my own expectations of what I should be doing and have decided to have a plan of action. I'm very satisfied with my plan.
It brought to light as well some different suggestions of having a few productive conversations. Right now I'm not prepared to have the particular conversations when the opportunity comes it will be the right time and I do trust that.
Up until an hour ago I was very angry, trying to stumble around and find a way to let it go. I don't know if I've let it go I just know I'm not angry like I was an hour ago.
Hugs P :)
I'm sooo glad to be here :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
