Turning into a bad night........... - Al-Anon Family Group

Miss Maddie · Member

Turning into a bad night...........

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't know if you are attending alanon meetings, if you have a phone list it's a good thing to use. I'm sorry you are going through this, it's nice just to be able to get out and get a cup of coffee or a soda with an alanon friend. I find that getting out gives me a fresh perspective.

Hugs p :)

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I know you probably want to stay home, but for me there were times I made the choice to leave. I went to a hotel one night!

I would find a friend and go eat,go to a movie. There is nothing that says we have to stay in an abusive environment. Of course it hurts! Detaching does not me we can always turn it off and not be affected.

This is emotional abuse,if we are going to stay with people like this, we must learn tools and new habits how to live as healthy as we can. if we can.

I even got in my car and drove away out to the sticks and just sat and rested.

After not living like that anymore, if who i was seeing ever said ONE mean word about me he would be cut off from my life immediately. We forget in a healthy world people do not act like this.

Hope you can find some serenity in how best to handle this kind of bolony.

hugs, debilyn

GreenerGrass · Senior Member

Sorry, I know the feeling. It's sad when they ruin what had been or could have been a nice time.

Miss Maddie · Member

Thanks all! I didn't want to go out as I'm tired & it was late.......He's finally passed out....And now I'm off to bed myself....

Have a good nite everyone!

petitsourice · Member

This is a strange place for my 1st post, but its appropriate.

I am a husband of an alcoholic - though she thinks that its her closet nicotine addiction that led to the DUI (with all 4 of our kids in the car... which followed me begging her not to drive not 1 hour before... which is costing us about $5000 in lawyer, court, and mandatory counseling fees). See, it was her wanting to get a cigarette in that made her insist on driving and on cussing me out in a parking lot after someone's birthday party.

Now... with that out of the way... why... the hell... do our dear spouses think we want to have SEX when they are 3 sheets to the wind? Is vomit attractive? Is watching someone who used to be a great parent and a wonderful person turn into a cast memeber of an after school special about drinking?

So sorry you had a bad night.

petitsourice · Member

GreenerGrass wrote:
Sorry, I know the feeling. It's sad when they ruin what had been or could have been a nice time.

The straw that broke the camels back for us was when I came home to a wonderfully cooked meal, great laughs, and she was of course hitting the rum.

I was OK with the rum.. it was the 3rd time she was hitting it since after the DUI and I had (in enabler fashion) considered it a mistake she wouldn't repeat.

She got totally trashed on about 17 oz of rum consumed between 4 and 8 pm.

So, the wonderful, sexy night I had in mind with my OLD wife was gone and replaced with her denying that she was vomiting and followed by having me almost thrown out of the house for wanting to go to an alanon meeting the next morning.

At this point the ultimatum is either quit drinking or I go to alanon.

What could be a great night, pissed away compliments of booze.

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

petitsourice,

Welcome to MIP. I am so glad you found our forum. Would you mind introducing yourself by starting a new topic so that we can give you a warm welcome you so deserve?

Thank you for coming. I think you will find many of us here, including myself can understand where you are coming from.

In support,

T

callmemara · Veteran Member

petitsourice wrote:

At this point the ultimatum is either quit drinking or I go to alanon.

I hope someone else has time to respond to this in more depth b/c I am late for a meeting.
You can't give someone an ultimatum to stop drinking, especially an ultimatum of you going to a support group to get the HELP YOU NEED.
You go to alanon b/c you need help not to punish your wife!!!
I was going to alanon for months before I told my husband.

danni · Senior Member

Sounds like a very upsetting night. I found "The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage" very helpful. I picked it up at an al anon meeting, and it addresses the kind of sexual circumstances you described and that many couples with an alcoholic partner experience. I'm so glad you took care of yourself by posting your share. You are not alone. I'm sending you lots of support this morning. I sometimes find the "morning after" challenging and try to take extra gentle care of myself during that time. You are not alone!!!!

danni · Senior Member

Petitsourcie, I found your shares very moving as well. I decided to go to al anon meetings when I just couldn't take the emotional turmoil any more. My husband at that time promised to go to AA, but one year later, he has yet to step foot in an AA meeting and is still drinking. I am so grateful, that regarless of what choices my husband made, that I decided to go. It has made a huge difference in how I handle the stress and disappointment and anger...my life has gotten better, even thought my husband isn't making the choice for today that I would like hiim to make. Take care and glad you're here!

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I am sending you love and support and hope you are able to make it to Al-anon face to face meetings. Take care of yourself and your kids and keep coming back!

petitsourice · Member

danni wrote:
[alanon] has made a huge difference in how I handle the stress and disappointment and anger...my life has gotten better, even thought my husband isn't making the choice for today that I would like hiim to make. Take care and glad you're here!

Danni:

Thats exactly why I want to go. I no longer care if she drinks or not. Though next time she tries to take my kids in the car with her she's going to see a side of my that is a tad persuasive. I won't hesitate to involve police if she tries to drive with the kids in the car while wasted. And I think the good samaritan law will allow me to get physical if needed to stop her from driving. Such as taking the keys and defending myself if she attacks me for doing so.

petitsourice · Member

And I can't hide going to alanon -- it would look like i was having an affair. If I disappear for 2 hours at night she is going to want to know why and where.

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

When my loved one was behaving like that I would leave the room, and do my own thing. When he fell asleep (as per usual after drinking enough) I would keep doing my thing. He would wake up later and say "wow what did I do?" When I stopped attacking him at that time or in the morning and stopped trying to fight with him while he was drunk, things began to improve. When I surrendered to the first 3 steps, little by little, I felt better. I hope you find meetings and a sponsor for you. Take care of you :)

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.