Bad day--my fault - Al-Anon Family Group

usedtobeanyer · Senior Member

Bad day--my fault

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

After living with my ex's disease for 20 years, I became painfully aware of how the erratic nature of his disease affected me, affected how I trust others- and how I trust myself. How walking on eggshells and waiting for the other shoe to drop brought out an ugly, viscous, unproductive resentment cycle.

The good thing is your awareness and desire to improve the circumstance. You have choices and you can start the day over starting now. When I get in a funk, I start making calls from the phone list until I can take even a tiny step in a positive direction. Lately, I have been able to direct myself to let what is bothering me go for the moment- take in a deep breath in and then out and give myself permission to not think about it(what ever is bothering me) right now. I do my best to not react until I've had time to think about how I would like to present myself. I then practice turning to fill with something positive. If I don't practice this, so many things would chew up my insides and make me ill.

I hope this helps. Glad you are here.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs and in support Usedtobeanver,

Be easy on yourself we all have bad days, you have great awareness keep moving forward make amends as you go. It's all about progress not perfection.

Hugs P :)

usedtobeanyer · Senior Member

Thanks to both of you. After I wrote this, I realized what I was feeling in a more simple way. For me, so many times I just wanted to say to my wife today "This is just how I am--I'm just grumpy and miserable and anti-social sometimes. I'm having a bad day. DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY".

But what if my wife had said that to me when she was drunk? What if she had said--"this is just how I am sometimes. I feel so bad that I must drink to the point of oblivion. I'm having a bad day. DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY". How would I respond? I would have thought it was unacceptable.

It's not fair to expect them to change and not to need to change ourselves. Anyway, just a bad day, onward & upward.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Have you considered simply saying your sorry ? and give her a hug then let it go ..

usedtobeanyer · Senior Member

Yes, and I will say I'm sorry. She takes so much of it personally so by the time I'm at that stage it's almost like the damage has been done. But it is important to say, regardless.

nyc018 · Senior Member

I would also scrutinize every move my AH made when I was living with him. I was always waiting for the shoe to drop as Bud says. Part of the attempt to control was investigating whether we has doing it - getting angry and apprehensive if I thought he was, and relieved - for the moment - if he wasn't. All I wanted to do was be able to rest easy, and I couldn't.

This disease causes a lot of pain and mistrust. I'd gotten so fed up with AH that every thing he would do bothered me - even if it didn't have to do with drinking. Then he would get angry at me for getting angry at him, and the cycle just went on and on. It was totally dysfunctional. I am trying to work through my own resentments right now and realize how difficult it is without a solid program to have. But it sounds like you have a lot of awareness of what is going on - and importantly, know that you can change your own attitudes. Wishing you strength and support, nyc

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

My thought was exactly as Abbyals. When my A would blow it, all he had to do was say I am really sorry I lost it or he would give me a card and hug me.Then that was all it took. The pain was gone.

Bible even says Love is not keeping account of the injury. She loves you, that is all you need to do.

Now being who I am, if you tried that with me I woulda said,"Why don't you take your cute butt and go sit in the truck???"

lol Or thru something very messy at you, squirting ketchup comes to mind.....

Its ok you blew it, we all goof. So get off the computer and go humbly talk to your wife that you so obviously love.

hugs,debilyn

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

(((usedtobe))) Your report of your actions ¨..why are you buying this, why are you taking so long, why are you making pleasant small talk with that stranger..¨ reminds me of an XBF of mine. The relationship didn't last too long because he was way too controlling which was something I couldn't accept. But hey, on the bright side-at least you realize what you were doing and know that it's not cool. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said ¨It's not fair to expect them to change and not to need to change ourselves. ¨ I sometimes need a reminder of that myself. So thanks for the reminder. Give her a hug, say you're sorry, and move on. Thanks for sharing.

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey Used to Be - my thoughts run to this: I found I needed to develop the skills to #1 recognize when a foul mood hits or is going to hit, #2 speak about it before any damage is done, and/or #3 stay away from people or situations I know will make things worse even if it means changing my plans for the day to avoid blasting some innocent bystander with my bad mood. I say this because, even though I am normally a pretty upbeat can't kill the perky mood person, sometimes I have days that i'm just grumpy. The beauty of being able to recognize and acknowledge the mood is I can forewarn those I have to deal with, some of them think its pretty funny when I tell them I'm in a witchy mood and I've taken a lot of good-natured ribbing afterwards but it keeps me from doing damage to relationships i've worked hard on. And, acknowledging and joking about it works to alleviate it as well.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Usedtobe...Likemyheart's response was like listening to my sponsors describe the path of recovery to me long ago..."this is how it goes" and I listened because they knew every inch of the path forward and upward. I remember hearing when you know what is happening and it hurts you then you are one door a head of changing it. We also must hit a bottom. Watching the hurt I visited on so many victims made me feel repulsed by how it owned me and how addicted to it I acted...just like my alcoholic's addiction to booze and drugs. I knew and knew that I knew and didn't stop...not couldn't stop...didn't stop...there was still value in it for me then; the superior self will running riot, owning me rather than the other way around.

But look at all of the feedback you have gotten from this family of recovering people; feedback you can read, listen, and attempt to practice yourself. You're being blessed...It works when you work it.

For me the best apologies were the simplest. She knew and I knew and she knew that I knew and I knew that she knew that I knew that she knew that I was screwing up and messing with my sanity and peace of mind and saying "I'm so sorry for hurting you like that...no one should be treated like I have been just treating you." then turn and go for the phone...it's a sponsor moment sitting next to your HP.

Understand that for everytime you have a choice to hurt you also have a choice not to. What you do you are responsible for just as for what you don't do.

"Lord make me an instrument..." Keep coming back and working at it cause it works when you work it. ((((hugs)))) smile

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

About 10 years ago I was in a friend's home and she had a sculpture that was labelled "unknown anger" -- it disturbed me greatly...and it wasn't until years later that I realized why.

All the anger, resentment, mistrust associated with addiction -- it builds up, and for me, the more I didn't acknowledge it, the more it woud come out in ways I didn't like (like being grumpy and judgmental in general).

Acknowledging your feelings is different than taking it out on the A, too. This is a good place to vent...we get it. Be kind to yourself.

usedtobeanyer · Senior Member

Thanks all. The past 12 hours have been rough and my wife is in a very bad place at this very moment. But I did sincerely and genuinely apologize. I also attended my first ACOA meeting this past week and I think I'm ready to get to the root of all of these issues and anger--my parents' drinking.

I'm off to church now with the kids to try and connect with my HP and pray for my wife. Thanks everyone, as always, your shares were very helpful. As Jerry has said in the past--the teachers are speaking, I'm going to listen...

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Sounds like you are really looking at yourself and have great awareness. I am glad you made it to a face to face meeting. Keep up the great work!

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

In my experience I would push at people in order to get chaos. When the chaos arrived I got my adrenaline rush that I am addicted to. I would notice that I would find things to pick on my loved one about and then he would get mad, I would go to work and he would drink. I wanted that chaos. Which is why I would go into control mode. When I finally realized it and really looked at myself and worked on not doing those things, it began to fall away. I would call my sponsor and she would encourage me to not try to nit-pick my loved one and let him be an adult. Thats just from my experience, and I know now that when I get to nit picking its because I am craving adrenaline and I have to work on allowing others to be who they are.... HUGS

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

nobody is "at fault." per say. You have some forgiveness work to do it sound like. It will take time and effort.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.