I feel like I've slipped - Al-Anon Family Group

nyc018 · Senior Member

I feel like I've slipped

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Venting is very powerful, and healthy.

What I would ask myself is this."What do I want out of this?" If you are hoping for an apology, or an I understand from him, that is not healthy.

If you are desiring to get it out for you, and you only, not needing anything from him, that is healthy.

I would invite one to use, "I feel, I hurt because, I found...." No using the word YOU., Never blaming or pointing fingers.

ex: I feel very hurt about someone believeing I made them unhappy for seven years.I would never purposly do that to anyone.

I made a mistake, I would like a week end to myself and son.Just becuz you mispoke before you thought out things does not mean you are stuck!

We know what he is saying is insanity, we don't have to engage in it or try to pick it apart. He is sick.

And what I see also is a mom, lady, friend who needs time on her own to go to meetings,come here, read literature on loving self, building own self love.

His illness is his own. Yours needs to be owned by you. Of course you are mixed up! You have not built your foundation of tools yet! We have to be balanced and have practiced our new tools.

For me I needed time for me, and the illness of A to not be around me.

His illness is not good on you or your child.

It's like trying not to get a cold with all the symptoms with someone right there coughing on you. You have not learned its a virus, carried in the air, you need a mask, to avoid the virus, keep yourself healthy.

Same with being around your A., You have made the huge step of living on your own. This is YOUR time now to get well. You my dear are very sick. I hope you will keep coming and learn what you need to to feel comfortable in your own skin! I know you can do it.

love, debilyn

danni · Senior Member

Please try to be gentle with yourself. As you said, it is a slip. Progress, not perfection, and it sure sounds to me like you have made amazing progress. I sometimes put so much pressure on myself when I slip, feeling like i've blown the whole thing, but then I try to remember the 3 C's. I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. Lots of hugs and support coming from me to you today!

rrib · Senior Member

nyc018 wrote:
has a long, long way to go

Ya geeezzz, early soberity really sucks. I'm still a nut case but I can tell you the 1st year or so I didn't even know which way was up.

His REAL ammends is to 'get it' and stay sober now and maybe later he'll be able to pull his head out of his butt long enough to do some meaningfull 9th step work.

If he's anything like me (and other newcomers) right now he's probably still struggleing with the 1st and 2nd steps.

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi,

I have bee in a very similar position to you just lately. My ABF got sober 2 and a half years ago for 6 onths. Then slipped then went to a 6 months rehab which I stood by him then went to a dry house for 3 months then began to slowly slip again. I put boundaries in like you on his last slip he went missing and was in a party with other woman. I dont think anything happened someone I know really well was there. however I had told him if he went missing or sat with other girls I would have to end it.

Fast forward 7 weeks and he is back in Aa got his own place and really trying to get better. I have had the words sorry however the attitude stinks. I know enough about the disease today to know drink is just a symptom. If he stays dry he slowly has to work his programme change himself into the man he wants. If I am honest I hope one day I get real amends heart felt amends but for now I am not fooling myse;lf that he is well because he is dry. I am focusing on me I have been full of self pity, very very angrey, miserable this disease has turned me into someone i do not like. So he is over there fighting for his life and I am out the way trying to heal the damage this disease has done to me and the kids. I am scared that I have lost him but I do not want this crap anymore. I want healthy partnership so if it is HPs will we will reunite all I can do is focus on the things I can change. Your husband is still sick he is attending AA so hopefully oneday you may get tyour sorries true ones you just have to figger out what you going to do to amke you feel better he may never give it to you .

hugs tracy xxxxx

patsquest · Newbie

I too am recently separated from the Alanon qualifier in my life. Some of your story sounds like mine except for the fact that my children are grown. My husband lives next door to me now so I see him quite often. The part of your story that is most similar to mine is that how long we take to work Step 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable. This also means we need to step back and stop trying to control the things our qualifier does. I am one month into the separation and am finally releasing the need to check and see if he is high. The boundary I have set is that he can not be around me when he is using. I am working on getting back my life and doing things I want to do with out centering everything on his addiction. It had taken control of my life as much as it had his and I am finally getting some peace with myself. I can only change me. I am working toward serenity within myself and encourage you as you work the steps.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

Personally I slip and slide around alcoholics and addcits all the time. Some of my now ex roommates could send me into the stratosphere sometimes. These days I do not have to deal with them at all but the mere thought of some of their antics can send me into resentment. But I've learned to let go. It is indeed a relief to not have to deal with them day in day out anymore. No matter how many boundaries I put out there they could seep in because of course they were boundaryless.

Whats different is these days I no longer second step myself. I can forgive myself for having strong feelings about alcoholism. I do not have to be perfect. I do not have to be the one who knows it all.

None of us simply get up and walk out or an alcoholic's life. For many of us there are plenty of other alcoholics around to affect us too. There are neighbors, co workers, family members, friends the list can go on. Naturally their alcoholism is going to affect us. If we beat ourselves up for how we react how do we then learn to respond.

We are all in recovery. None of us have a linear path up to reverent detachment, clear decisions and a full and happy life. Some of us circle around in a spiral for a long long time. Whether we choose to cut the alcoholic off or try to remain in contact there are repercussions. Resolving a partnership like a marriage and deciding what's next isn't something that happens overnight.

Alcholics and addicts can be a master at passive aggression. I found myself screaming and fuming about the acts of the ex A every single day. When I could focus on myself, my plan be and what I needed to do for me I stopped being in thrall to his manipulations. Of course I slipped all the time. When I lived around alcoholics I put so many boundaries in place. There were repercussions to their crossing certain boundaries for me. They absolutely hated any notion of a boundary how absolutely dare I have a need and take care of it . I had to have let go of all myu people pleasing to endure that hatred. When I have been in a double bind like living around numerous alcohlics and addicts I had to learn to akcnowlege the double bind and be kind to myself rather than beat myself into a pulp

Glad you are here.

Maresie.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Be gentle with yourself each day is a new day and the wonderful thing about the program is any given time you can start over and you can make a choice to not plug into it.

It gets better day by day,

Hugs p :)

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

patsguest,

I would like to welcome you to the forum. Wont you consider introducing yourself by starting a new topic? I am so glad you are here. It is wonderful to meet newcomers.

In support,

T

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Glad you are here, NYC.

Be gentle on you, you're not alone.

For a long time, I had wanted an acknowledgement, an apology, for my ex to approach me and our daughter with his step 9. It hasn't happened yet and I no longer feel it is mine to ask or for me to judge. It stinks not to have it, but life continues. Getting stuck on needing an apology is often a way of getting caught up in the disease's chaos and not focusing on ourselves. It took a lot of practice, but I had to let it go or it would consume me.

Some of the most important things I've learned over the past year are: when in doubt, don't react, and, not to force a solution and recognize when I am. Also, I am trying to accept and give myself permission to be human. I try not beat myself up for things beyond my control as well as my mistakes. When I feel like I'm spinning out of control or slipping I get to more meetings and lean towards the program even harder. I use "I have choices" as a mantra, especially when insanity starts climbing to higher levels. Whatever works to sort out the things I can control and how to focus on myself.

It took me a long time to regain and re-find my spirituality. Now, I know I'm not alone, my HP is watching over me, knowing the reasons for why things are the way they are. I can look back on many things and find gratitude for some of the ugliness that I never thought I'd even get past. I used to wonder how the program worked, but I hung around long enough and some of the good stuff is rubbing off. Keep coming back. Sending prayers your way.

nyc018 · Senior Member

Thank you all for your support and responses. I'm going to get up, try to dust myself off and continue on with the program without being hard on myself for slipping up. I am also going to try hard to temper my expectations. I have a lot of work to do in that area. I suppose that if I didn't expect anything from someone who clearly cannot deliver, I wouldn't be so hurt. I greatly appreciate your perspectives and am grateful for this board.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Our recovery is about progress NYC never perfection. Mistakes or sometimes what we just think are mistakes are something else really; like just newness in recovery. He is new to it and so are you and if he's having a reaction listen and check if he is justified...if he is not let it go and turn it and him over to a power greater than him and you. Our's is everyday work and we only get to do it one day at a time. We get to take time off from it at times to just screw around and have fun. Put the mallet away there is absolutely no one in this recovery thingy that has gotten it perfect; on either side of the fence. Mistakes are opportunities for laughter. ((((hugs)))) smile

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

You received great ESH already. I am sending you love and support on your journey! Keep coming back!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.