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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Needing ESH today more than ever
Post Info TOPIC: Needing ESH today more than ever
never going back


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Needing ESH today more than ever
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Very, very anxious today. I can't get the knots out of my stomach. I'm trying to stay busy cleaning, doing yoga, walking outside, but that queasy feeling remains. My AH had a very successful (I thought) year and a half in AA, then quit going for a year and a half ( a time in which he relapsed 5 times), and has now determined that he does not have a drinking problem, was never an A. He proclaimed this 3 weeks ago. I told him he knew I wouldn't live with him if he were drinking. He said he wasn't drinking, cleared out most of the empties from his hiding places, took 3 cold ones from hiding and put them in the fridge, and told me I would never find beer on the premises again (gotta love the way they use semantics). Knowing I was serious about leaving him, he made several promises; going back to his psychiatrist to get back on his anxiety meds, which he admits made him feel better, so much better that he wanted to see if he could make it without them.I didn't even know he'd discontinued them but, if so, my guess is it was because you can't drink while taking them. Said we'd set up an appt. with a marriage counselor. Nothing has been done. Last night he gave me a very detailed list of all the things that were causing him problems and a plan for how to go about making changes in his lifestyle to address these problems. It was a very well-thought out list, and had a lot of very sensible plans for improvement. BUT, there was no mention of drinking anywhere on the list. Classic avoidance and denial, I know. Let's fix every problem except the real one. Anyway, today he is hunting with our 10 year old grandson. When he gave me the list last night, he asked me to read it over and that we sit down and talk about this tonight. Thus my anxiety. My boundary is set. I won't live with him unless he takes action and gets support of some sort to stop drinking. I want to stay strong. I want to stop living this way. But it's not going to be a pleasant conversation. I've learned so much in al-anon, but right now it's all just spinning around on my head. I'm so afraid I'm not going to handle this well. It helps to know I have the support of everybody here, that you've all most likely gone through these kind of encounters yourselves, so you know what kind of stress they generate. Keep me in your prayers, please.

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nyc018


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Boy do I know the feeling of an A blaming everything else for the problem except the problem itself. You are absolutely right to stick to your boundaries. You know when you've had enough - you obviously can't make him get help, but you can decide what you can and can't live with. Hopefully he can find his way back to AA and recovery as he did in the past, but that's entirely up to him, and right now it sounds as if he is in denial. Maybe he'll get back on track, but finding peace for yourself is priority number one. I know how stressful it is. Sending you prayers and support, nyc

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Mattie


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I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

My conversations with my AH (now ex-) became easier when I realized that I didn't have to get him to agree with me.  Then they became even easier when I realized I didn't have to discuss previously-discussed topics with him at all.  For instance, I set a boundary that I wouldn't let our son go out with him if he'd been drinking.  At first he would try to drag me into arguments that weren't really discussions about it, just him brow-beating me.  "Well how will you know if I've been drinking?  Don't you just have a strange prejudice about alcohol?  I never drink and you're always claiming I've been drinking. [Such classic alcoholic claims!]  What if our son has been looking forward to going?  Are you always going to be this hyper about little things?  Don't you think you should get help for your paranoia?"  Etc. etc.  When I realized I didn't have to set about the futile goal of arguing sense into him, things got a lot easier.  Now I just say, "I have no real way to know whether you've been drinking or not.  But it seems to me that you have right now and I'm not willing to take the risk.  Our son can't go with you today."  And he just rolls his eyes and leaves, because all I'll do is repeat myself like a broken record. 

In your case, I guess one goal might be to think about what your aim is.  Do you want to convince him to stop drinking again, or do you want to hold fast to the boundary you set?  We all know the success rate of our attempts to control an alcoholic's drinking, so that might be something to think about.  If your aim is to convince him to stop drinking, you could go through the conversation, or you could simply say, "I've told you in the past that I can't live in the same house with you if you're not abstinent and in a strong program of recovery.  It seems that now you feel those things aren't necessary, but they're still necessary to me.  So I'll be finding a new place to live in December [or whatever]."  My experience suggests that engaging in the argument that's likely to happen at that point is futile.  What's really important in our choices is the same as what's important in theirs: not what is said, but what the actions are.  He'll be looking to see if you really mean it or if you can be persuaded or manipulated to go back on your word.  So my observation is that we should be very sure we want to set certain boundaries before we announce them.  That said, not choosing to live with active alcoholism can be a powerful way to take control of one's serenity.

I've come perilously close to advice-giving here, and no one knows what's right for your situation but you.  Take what you like and leave the rest.

Hugs.



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RLC


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never going back,

The saying "He can't see the forrest for the trees", seems appapro. The reality is he does see the forrest but as you indicated his denial is blinding him from the root of his problem.

His drinking is not a problem.....for him, but his "non problem" is a problem for you. He can go to a psychiatrist, get back on his meds, and set up an appointment with a marriage counselor, but the elephant is still in the room. You say you won't live with him unless he takes action and gets support of some sort to stop drinking, and that is your boundary.

We all have choices, and like the alcoholics in our life, we make the choices we feel are best for us, what ever that might entail. Do the next right thing for you with HP's guidance and you can't go wrong.

HUGS,
RLC

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Debilyn


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When my A would try to pull this,) it's all just manipulation attempt to avoid his real issues)I  would simply say,"AH this is your life, these are your decisions,it's none of my business." "I have faith in you."

Keep it simple remember? The A disease loves drama,would love to think how you will be talking about HIM for a long time. He will be the star of the show.

Again what I would say,"It's your disease not mine, I choose to not talk about it"

I know he is in denial right now that being an addict is not part of his obstacles. He has to figure that out for himself.

You can stick to your bondaries.It will be clear if he uses again. Then it is up to you, if you choose and are ready,to separate from him, or more, his disease.

This is disease talk,stinking thinking they call it in AA.

I am sad you are hurting so much! But this stuff is not YOURS.It's up to you if you want to get into it and only be more frustrated.Myself I didn't.He is an adult, he has to figure it alll our for himself.

"It's your plan honey, hope it goes well." thats it.

So either get into it like every other horrible time,

or learn from the past and not engage.Use Al Anon skills of its not my problem.

hugs! hugs. simple is best! love,debilyn



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
danni


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I've learned that if I stay out of the way of my husband's drinking, he is then unable to place his focus and anger on me and is left having to face his relationship to alcohol.  It isn't easy, especially when I think I know what is right for him...I've been trying to grant him the dignity to find his own way, without my interference.  It is better for him, and most importantly, it is better for me.  I'm going to my father's birthday party tonight with my AH, and it is entirely possilble that I will see him with a drink in his hand.  Thanks so much for your share.  It gave me the opportunity to remember some things before we go out tonight.  Sending you lots of support!



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Pushka


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I love the 5 G's ... it's one of those things that really struck home for me.

Get off his back

Get out of his way

Get onto yourself

Get to meetings

Give him to God

I find when I do those things even if I don't know I'm doing them my life runs so much smoother for me. When they have to live in what they have created something happens I don't know what it is .. all of a sudden they have to stop pointing the finger and say gee .. maybe there is more to it than what I thought.

Hugs P :)

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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Breakingfree


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You already received great ESH. I am sending you love and support on your journey!

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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree

Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666

" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
patsquest


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I had had those butterflies in the tummy also. A day in Courage to Change suggests taking a full minute to think of something or someplace you really enjoy and really meditating on it helps to take the anxiety away. I found this helps me. Sending support.

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