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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Passive Agressive - vent
Post Info TOPIC: Passive Agressive - vent
Pushka


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Passive Agressive - vent
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My AH and I spent the day together and had a nice time for the most part.  I'm a little irritated at the moment (better for me to put it down here than to act out how I want too .. LOL) being woken up at the crack of dawn.  He spent the evening in the ER .. THAT didn't make me happy as he could have gone to a dang dr instead of the bill we're going ot have now.  He went to the ER alone.  I don't go with him anymore .. for things that are not life threatening.  He got something in his eye from work and because the company is what it is .. if he reports it .. he will be walked out for 3 days.  The workman comp laws are so changing and people are really going to be shocked come the beginning of the year. I'm grateful he got some relief however good night all dang day he spent with it in his eye.  A sliver of wood or metal. 

There has been a lot of tension regading the fact I'm going to california.  I hadn't realized how much so until last night.  There were some smartie comments made and I didn't help the situation because seriously in my mind he's got some out right nerve.  I haven't seen my mom for 3 years.  My grandma has passed this year.  We are going to see my great aunt who I haven't seen since my daughter was born and probably doesn't have much longer.  I came soooo close to saying "gee honey, it's not costing us anything." lol .. I didn't.  Ohhhh boy did I want to.  There are things that need to be taken care of I need time with my mom to make sure I know where things are and so on .. the other interesting thing to me is it's not like during this time he hasn't gone places without me.  Maybe not for a week however he's left us for a day here, weekend. I was left while pregnant with my son and having preterm labor so he could spend the day with his dad and brothers 4 hours north of us.  LOL .. I swear it just blows my mind he's going to use this against me.  Umm .. let's see as much money as we've spent on the DUI the whole family coule have gone to Disney World for the week.  My patience is pretty much done at the moment.  I'm just sincerely working on keeping my mouth shut.  Nothing good will come from me saying anything as I would skwer him left and right. 

I'm trying desperately trying to not say things, he seems to really catch me at my weakest moment and that being RIGHT when I get up.  I did make a comment that there was NO need to wake me up and that I could have woken up naturally and still spoken to him about his day.  No this isn't a life alterating situation however it could be a LONG two weeks until I leave.  I've heard what if his dad would ask him to visit him for a week .. well let's see would this happen, ummm .. no.  His dad is in a foriegn country and an alcoholic/sex addict there are now possibly drugs involved now as well.  He's in a hot bed of all that is no rules and no consequences.  His dad is not going to pay for him to go out there either.  I was just floored by the idea that my AH is so angry about me leaving, he just really caught me off gaurd of how angry.  I'm now wondering as I type this if he's worried I'm going to go out there and not come back.  That is not even on my agenda. 

It's really not about the fact he woke me up it's how he woke me up and the reason he did and how I"m now hearing we're just different.  This is the second time I've heard that comment and my only response has been honey you are right we are different.  I haven't bitten for the arguement.  I've just let it hang when he's said things.  Boy oh boy, having a fast wit is def working against me .. lol. 

Hugs P :)



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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
GailMichelle


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Hi Pushka,

Perhaps your irritation is masking another feeling - the hurt of not being understood by your husband.

It appears from what you share that he doesn't understand why you need to be with your mom at this time.  That must hurt. 

I'm glad that you are "stickin' to your guns" and going on your trip.

*take what you like smile



-- Edited by GailMichelle on Saturday 12th of November 2011 09:53:18 AM

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pinkchip


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Pushka - Alcoholics are so fear driven it is literally insane. He isn't really angry...it's coming out that way but he's afraid. I know this game cuz I played it. Of course he will never admit that it is all fear based, but it might help you just a bit to know that. He is still crippled by fears and you are not because you have a program :)

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Pushka


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Thanks, .. I think as I have listened to him today. He's been waffling between going into work or not .. LOL .. WOW .. wake me up to find out he's not going in anyway .. seriously? He's better off going into work .. LOL. I have told him if he wants to go in go in .. if he wants to stay home stay home. The choice isn't up to me however I do think he's using it, if I say he should go in that he's going to be mad at me about it. I"m just staying out of it. It's like using him being mad at me to drink .. the behavior is still manifesting itself even though he's dry.

I agree on the fear and the hurt stuff. He IS fearful and now that I see that clearer .. lol .. a cup of coffee HELPS!! I am hurt he would just take me visitng my mom and use it in that way especially because of all of what he has done. It's not even the drinking/DUI I am referring to. He sees or doesn't see his family by choice I have 2100 miles between myself and mine. My adopted dad is closer however we aren't speaking at the moment. I don't need or want the grief. This is the first time in 13 years I have done anything without children and or spouse. That has to be scary for him. Plus I think about all of the changes that have happened and yes there has been a ton of them, especially this past year. It has to be a litlte overwhelming. Good luck on him acting out in a way to change my mind. I AM going and I'm not going to allow the next two weeks to be miserable. He can wallow in it however I do not need to.

LOL .. does anyone wonder why I've made the decision not to tell him I'm going back to school? LOL?



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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
RLC


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Pushka,

I have had situations as yours, not the same but similar. It took a long time for me to realize that it had nothing to do with me or what I had plans to do, but everything to do with her insecurities....it's part of the disease and the three C's come into play. For many years I would feel, are allow her to make me feel guilty. Finally I reached the point in my program, as you also have, that I was going to do what was best for me, do the next right thing for me, and take care of myself first with no second thoughts.

From time to time I still hear her insecurities that try to put me on a guilt trip. I don't react (duct tape helps), and let it go like water off a ducks back. They are going to do what they are going to do, and like them, I am going to do what I am going to do. If my motive is honest, as yours is, I no longer let it efffect me.

Enjoy your trip and during the next two weeks when things are thrown in your face, be like the duck.......silently say to yourseif.......Quack, Quack.

HUGS,
RLC

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pinkchip


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Another reason they like to keep you from the family is cuz they know your parents and siblings will talk about them and they wan't to limit that.

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tommyecat


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Have you talked to your sponsor about this? 



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Pushka


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tommyecat wrote:

Have you talked to your sponsor about this? 

 No I haven't Tommye and that's a whole other issue at this point. 

 

Hugs P :) 



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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Jackie11


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Hugs no info to share but sending love and support!!!



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tommyecat


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What has been the cornerstone of my recovery is to not only have a person to call my sponsor, but to be sponsored by her, work the steps with her, and talk to her on a regular basis.  When things start happening in my world, she is the first to know because she knows me inside and out and questions my motives. 

I always need to hear what she has to say because it is grounded in love.  



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Pushka


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Tommye,

I'm so disappointed not to have that kind of relationship with my sponsor unfortunately I don't at this point and time. When I do talk to her it's a good thing. I don't get to talk to her more than once maybe twice a week. This past week I never got to talk to her. We haven't met outside of the meetings and I"m just not sure what to think really. It's probably because I'm just still so unsure what a sponsor does and I've read the pamphlet and I"m still not sure .. lol.

It's one of the biggest reasons I"m so grateful for the boards and the people here. I can read things and think hmm .. and I've got enough counseling behind me to look at things from an honest perspective and take what applies and leave what doesn't. I've been reading a lot of books as well and able to reason things out with other alanon sisters. It's been a positive thing.

I've given the sponsor situation over to God (my HP) and we'll see where things go from there. What she has shared has been of great value and I appreciate it greatly. I'm just not sure exactly what I need I guess. With this trip coming up I'm waiting until the beginning of the year before I make any major moves as far as changing sponsors. I am working on my relationship with God and I'm also making a list of the 4th step. I feel really good in this place I"m at. I'm just so much happier than I have been in such a long time.

What is so hard with this situation with my AH, is knowing what I need to do and just applying what I know. Program to the pavement. 3 C's as RLC mentioned, it is so true (I had a bit of a DUH moment .. lol). I actually left the house for a bit to get my bearings straight and I was able to visit with an alanon sister until he left for work. I just did not trust myself to use the duct tape that is available. My feathers seemed to be collecting crap I really wasn't prepared to deal with at the moment. It it all hit me between my eyes that I have been so available always to my AH and this is the first time I'm doing something for me that is outside of my kids and outside of him even. I had actually planned a Vespasian meditation trip for 10 days last year right before the DUI, and of course that went by the wayside, along with school last year (ironically I had told him, there is a HUGE pattern that has been rinsed and repeated that i"ve played a part in) because I was way to caught up in my crazy behavior. This year and next year are the years that I'm going to do things and it's not that I don't care what he thinks or how he acts out it's just going to have to be .. I'm applying for school. I'm planning on taking that meditation trip. I've been seeing how much control I gave to him in the name of the victim mantle. It's this weird paradox .. as much control as I gave to him I expected to take back just as much. I'm not sure if that makes sense or not, it's like I have given away all of my power in terms of my life being dictated by the next shoe dropping. I expected him to turn power back to me and let me tell him what his next move should be. This is the first time he can't act out like he would normally do so. He can't run away and drink so he's been placed in a really uncomfortable position. This is the first time I'm ok doing what I have planned on doing. You know if he drinks he's going to drink, if he's going to self destruct he's going to self destruct all I can do is what is in my best interest. Doing this trip as crazy as it will be .. lol .. it will be a lot of fun and I'm looking forward to seeing my great aunt and also seeing my mom. This time I have people who will step in and help if I"m not home, this time I am not alone in my situation and there are others who will help. I've always been alone in dealing with the crisis. Well that's not true, .. however regardless of what he does it's not going to stop me from doing what I need to do. I'm not taking some exotic vacation and laying by the beach while he slaves away at his job. This is a very functional trip that has the pay off of me seeing my mom, great aunt and a couple of bff's. I'm so looking forward to that aspect of things. I'm really sorry for him that he can't process that .. however I just don't see it as my issue. He's going to have to figure a few things out. I'm just kind of done waiting for him to get his act together so I can leave and have a life without the next shoe dropping.

I really thank everyone for their support the day started off rocky, however all and all it's been a nice day. It's cold outside, I've got a fire going and music in the background. The kids are cleaning their rooms, I've gotten lots of stuff done as far as laundry. It just means so much to me not to be where I was last year at this time.

In such gratitude, Hugs P :)

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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
tommyecat


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I hear ya.



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Debilyn


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Ok well get real!! How dare you just decided to take off to see your mom with out his permission? And don't you know he cannot control you when you are out of his grasp? And what will he do with out you around to take care of him?

How dare you upset his little world? 

You are not allowed to have your own life you know, what the heck are you thinking???

Putz. Sorry lol. they just don't think like we do. OH honey that is so cool your mom is having you go see her, I am glad you get to see your aunt too.

Sometimes I would say stuff like that back to my A. saying what i wished I would hear. OH thank you AH what a nice thing to say.

ugh. well no surprise eh? Remember the "selfish" symptom. Ya AH think of the trip you could have taken instead of wasting money on getting into trouble~ uh no not a good thing to say, but a good vent in a journal or here!

You know I liked setting up the no we are not talking about THAT boundary. I am going to see my mother sunday. Just letting you know. And that is the end of talking about that~

If it were so simple right? I think I would keep it light. blah blah blah he says. Then I say, thank you, I will have a good time. blah blah blah, yes you may be right., blah blah blah, well you have a good time here, be nice to not have me around buggine you haha.

Most the time my Ah would start smiling and laugh at me. I guess I got good at not allowing the stupid disease to get to me to apoint. But then there were the two times I threw a glass  with my tea into the wall and another time my salsa...no one is perfect right?

My tenant is A. I tell ya....rrrr I called him a liar. stupid of me of course he has NO idea he is A. And I had no right to say it like i did. To me it is just a fact.

So I just told him pay your rent on time, I do not want to hear anything else from the neighbors. I will not charge you with criminial trespass and destroying property if you go to my other rental and help them. He had decided to go to my other rental, different address and tear up the floor...???

he thought it was part of their rental.

Anyway sorry started yakking there. A's can't bury them, can't hang them by their thumbs....love,debilyn



-- Edited by Debilyn on Saturday 12th of November 2011 10:06:15 PM

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Pushka


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LOL .. Deb all my hanging is done by the toes :)

Hugs P :)

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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
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