The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Our son is only 10, but has a way of seeing the world in an honest, unfiltered way. And he doesn't have a problem speaking his mind about what he sees.
Over the past couple of weeks, he has been coming to me and saying, "You and Dad have bad communication. You need to work on that."
Tonight he told me, "I think you and Dad need to spend a few minutes talking to each other every night."
In my detachment, I have basically stopped talking to AH because I don't know how not to take his words personally. Talking to him hurts. So, I just make my own decisions and do my own thing and handle the household schedule. I also don't know what he will remember the next day. So, I don't try to talk to him at night.
But, I think our son is on to something. I have to find a way to communicate with AH.
I'm not sure I know how to talk to AH. There has been a lot of hurt between us. I don't know how to have a real conversation with an active alcoholic. Is that even possible?
-- Edited by Very Very Tired on Friday 11th of November 2011 11:42:08 PM
It's funny because I am struggling with this very issue. I think it is possible to communicate with an active as long as you pick your time (ie. not when he's drunk) and you say what you want to say with love and courtesy. I am working on saying what I mean and not worrying about his reaction. It is hard but so far I have found that if I do the above, things turn out better than I hoped. I think I worry so much about it that I make it a bigger deal then it needs to be. Saying this, I haven't yet said anything about his drinking. I have chosen to focus on other things for the moment.
I too, wonder about this. For me, I am beginning to see that my AH has a brain that is immature and selfish and in la la land. He doesn't care about talking to me, he doesn't want my opinion or wonder how I am doing. I am beginning to realize that I can't have an emotionally fulfilling relationship with this person. How can I when I can't even trust when he says he's going to the store, and that he'll be right back!? I guess I can pretend to have conversations by keeping it simple and superficial, like asking his thoughts on a news story or the weather or something. It won't be genuine, but it won't be fighting either.
Picking the right time for a conversation is when we are both relaxed and neither has our defenses up. I understand in some situations it is hard to find that time as there really is never a time that happens. Giving the situation over to my HP and seeing where it goes and asking for the right words is a big one as well. We had a LONG time where nothing that was said wasn't taken personally by either him or myself. Our list of what we couldn't talk about was far longer than what we could talk about. It did start to change when I stopped trying to force the conversation and when I stopped needing to be right, trying to change him, rationalize with him and so on. When the conversation just flowed I have heard a great deal more than a year ago.
LOL .. that being said .. it's def progress not perfection and some days are better than others at least we do have those days that it DOES happen and when it does it's really good.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
When I feel hurt I shut down, and it's so hard to communicate. Talking is important and I know this.
When conversations come up that upset me and bother me I refuse to engage at that point in time, because they always come up when my husband has been drinking.
I listen carefully. Then usually I go to bed. Most conversations in our house are at night and I can use this to get away. I process what was said and what I need to say, and I write it out.
Then the next time I have an opportunity to talk to my husband when I know he's not under the influence we talk. I've taken to email or letters, I know that this goes against what most say do, but for me it gaurantees he has to read and hear/see what I'm saying.
I'm fortunate that he reads/sees and then talks to me. This wouldn't work for everyone but for us I've learned that this is how I can best continue to communicate with my AH.
Hugs!!!!! Here's to the easy breezy light topics that will help you to start talking once again!!!
What worked for me is when my husband would get home I would always give him a hug and say welcome home. That was disarming for both of us. Now, I didnt really feel like I wanted to do it but I did it because otherwise an arguement would ensue. That was the first step for me in beginning a conversation believe it or not and it worked.
Thank you all for the great ESH. My situation is challenging because the only "sober time" I can be guaranteed is the 5 minutes I see AH in the morning before he leaves for work. AH is very deep into his addiction, so even "sober time" isn't really sober time.
I do most of my communication by email with AH. It gives me a record of what I said so that I know I'm not insane when AH says I didn't say something. My AH may or may not respond to the email and sometimes I'm not even sure he reads it. I've learned to keep the emails simple: no more than one or two sentences. Anything beyond that and I know I lose him.
I am learning patience knowing that I may need to repeat something AH doesn't remember. I am getting better at no judgement or resentment when this happens.
All of you have offered wonderful suggestions and I will apply some to my situation to see what works for me.
