The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After 28 years married to an AH, I am surprised at how shakey I am in terms of confidence. Whenever anything goes wrong, I immediately take the blame, and then spend time worrying because I didn't get it right (which is often not the case).
My counselor says that this all stems from the idea that I can control things....because "controlling" is my safe zone....the illusion of control is safer for me than thinking life is unpredicatble.....problem with control is that if it were true that I could control things, everything that goes wrong WOULD be my fault.
Do other people focus on -- not the 200 things you do right in a day -- but the 2 things that you screwed up? Why is it that I so readily think I have no worth?
Somehow my self-worth is linked to my ability to control things toward positive outcomes....does this make sense?
This is a purely necessary thread...The "illusion" of control in the face of the "reality" of control. "Admitted (over and over) that we were powerless over _________ and that our lives had become unmanagable. Thank HP for the program as the next thing that followed was the lessons on acceptance and doing the best I can with what I had and that failing was often a misguided perception as the consequence of misguided lessons and I was human no more and no less..."A child of God and a human being and everything else that came in this package.
Attaching my self worth to the consequences of control doesn't even line up as a function of recovery anymore; use to but not any more. Learning to not take myself soooo seriously tempers the pain of the perfectionist. I'm listening well to who follows. (((((hugs)))))
The urge to control is strong amongst us I suspect. You are not alone. I am oversensitive to criticism and I definitely have that streak you are describing running through me.
I do believe that what you have described is a huge symptom of having lived with the disease of alcoholism.
I too focused outside myself to others. I ignored my needs and spent all my energy and time trying to "cheer them on: solve their problems, give them advise and never ever focused on myself
When my advise failed or a person did not succeed I felt as if I had failed and that I had no worth The true reason for that was had never taken the time to get to know myself, love myself, honor my needs and take care of my self. I took care of others and then expected them to take care of me. When that did not happen I was angry, full of resentments and self pity
Alanon was the first place that told me that building self esteem happened when I did esteem able things Not when I showed others how to achieve. I was responsible for my life and giving my power to others ensured that I would have little self confidence
.
Please fin alanon face to face meetings, work the steps, make asset and gratitude lists Your Self Esteem and self Worth will flourish
I lived around alcoholism all my life so control was a huge issue for me. As a child I was assigned the role of the scapegoat so naturally I volunteerd for that time and again.
An alcoholic/addict is always looking for ways to not take responsibility. I think they veer towards people who will step up and say yes to the role. When I met the ex A he had a long tale of woe about having an addict girlfriend. What he didn't volunteer was that he was actually just as much an addict as he was.
They both went to prison together (he claimed she got him into it). They both leaned heavily on their families for support and help. She married someone the minute she left him.
I overidentified with him and did all I could to make it up to him. Some good that did me because it was never enough.
Identification is a huge step forward in moving to a better place. Denial does not take you very far. Identifying what you do rather than what they do is so so crucial. I know in the pain it might not seem like a great step but it is.
Al anon has many many practial tools to stop rescuing, fixing and over identifying. I have had to use them day in day out. I still want to people please and I want to rescue all the time. The issue is I can think about it rather than act on it compulsively.
I'm so glad you are here and have a therapist. You deserve to take care of yourself.
Even as a hallucination control is a powerful tool of survival in a crazy world. It's exactly why admitting we are powerless over people, place, things (I add the past for me) made such a huge difference in serenity for me. It took away my over inflated sense of responsibility and that gave way to relief.
Hugs it does get better and I agree with the face to face meetings they do much to keep me grounded in today and not being fearful of the next shoe dropping.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Yes before my alanon program I absolutely would harp, focus and fixate on the negative comments people made to me and I could never accept the positive.
Once I risked loving me first as my own life's first priority- that all began to change. To this day, I decide what I am going to focus on, how I will feel better and make healthier choices by choosing the positive over the negative thoughts, attitudes, opinions and feelings. I can only control me in this life ~ others will have to sort their thoughts, choices and emotions and it is my choice to detach from judgment and to focus on love, forgiveness, transformation and empowering actions that do support my life in this moment, right now.
I used to believe the negative bc I wanted others attention, approval and validation - now I take actions that offer me my own self respect first, I honor myself with dignity & respect and others can be a destructive force if they want to - or not, again it is their choice. Today I know that approval is a way to judge myself and others and I dont need it or want it- it has nothing to do with being, loving, supportive, respectful and kind.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Control is my major and main issue. It taints everything I do. It has taken people on this board to point out to me things that I do, that I thought were ok, were just another form of control. I didn't see the big picture of control and how much of an issue it was with me. I knew, but man oh man.... it is a doozy and it is all an illusion.
Such subtle forms of control are insidious and they actually make me feel good and think things are going well. I now check my motive for everything.
