The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know this is a tough topic with ACoA's (for those newbies - Adult Children of Acoholics - I grew up with an alcoholic parent). As most of you know I've been struggling with my marriage. I've been separated for over a year and we are in a "trial" back together.
My spouse has no problems telling me the things he'd like to do and that he's going to go do. When I have things I want to do or go do that don't involve him I start to feel guilty or afraid to bring them up because it seems to bring up a negative reaction in him. This has not always been the case but it has been in the past 6 months or so
We are 3 weeks into our trial and although we are functioning under the same roof - we are connecting very little. It's just day to day stuff. Tomorrow he has something he wants to do at the gym and Sunday he wants to go hunting with someone that invited him to go.
His cousin's daughter is spending the night here with our daughter tonight.
Saturday night there is an Al-Anon bonfire at the home of a fellow group member. I'd really like to go and I'd like to go alone but I know what his reaction is going to be - negative. Because anytime lately that I want to do anything it seems to irritate him. Why do I let myself get rapped up into that? Why do I let it upset me? He has his things and this is mine. I do very little. Then it starts this entire cycle of stupidness between us.
I really feel like I'm not in a healthy environment for me. I need to be able to stand up for me.
This is just something to think about. What I have seen in my own situation is testing of do I really mean what I say it's not just from my ah it's from myself as well. It really doesn't matter if my ah has a negative reaction it's about me. What do I want, I don't want things to go back to the way they were and it would be easy to go there and say I'm scared my ah won't let me it's really up to me.
Hugs it gets easier p :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I catch heat every single time that I make plans that do not include my AH. I realized that I value my friendships too much to let them go. So I make plans, let him know, and follow through with my plans. The flipside of this, although he does not understand, I do make sure that I make time for him as well.
You're in a tough spot, and it's so difficult, sending hugs!!!!
Jackie - I agree with you - I should make time for him too... it's the petty side in me I guess. He's made no real effort to make time with me but has not problem making plans with others. I used to make all the plans for us to do things together. I finally got fed up. I'm at the point that if he wanted to do stuff with me, he is also capable of making plans.
[Saturday night there is an Al-Anon bonfire at the home of a fellow group member. I'd really like to go and I'd like to go alone but I know what his reaction is going to be - negative. Because anytime lately that I want to do anything it seems to irritate him. Why do I let myself get rapped up into that? Why do I let it upset me? He has his things and this is mine. I do very little. Then it starts this entire cycle of stupidness between us.]
After reading this part of your share I am getting that you already worked all this up in your head before even telling him you are going, am I right? For me it was a part of my confidence I didn't have yet, to feel secure in my decisions and in my marriage I did feel owned and let my A have too much control over my spare time, because I was supposed to be home taking care of him. I decided that if I am taking care of me and my kids needs, he could take care of himself. I think if you are a natural care taker, you will naturally put others first and continue the cycle. I am glad you are attending face to face meetings. Keep up the great awareness!
"If I keep doing what I've always done, I'll keep getting what I've always gotten."
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Breakingfree - I have told him about it a while back but not lately - that is true. I have worked it up in my head - I haven't reminded him. We have had very little time together as a couple during the trial but he's also made choices that have effected that time too. I am going to go - I need this for me and I am not going to allow me to derail myself because of his reactions - if indeed there is one. It will be what it will be. I have to keep telling myself that.
When I have something to say to someone, I am finding that if I pray first and ask for the words from my higher power on how to say it, and then let go of outcomes, it usually turns out way better than I thought it would. I tend to make mountains out of mole hills. When I am going somewhere, I just say "Hey I am doing this _____" and there isn't room for a fight. I hope it goes well for you, I know you can do this! HUGS
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
OK, I told him I would like to go tomorrow and he said OK with him. I will not think about it any more past this post but that's usually how it starts. He's fine with it then he starts thinking. But thats HIS issue... not mine.
I actually am so excited about going. It's at one of the members homes on a farm. They are going to have a big bonfire and have the meeting outside. I need this. I need it for me :)
Hello amills - what comes to mind, besides how envious I am about you going to a bonfire - pyromania runs rampant within me; what comes to mind is when mine would react negatively to what I wanted to do, whether with or without him. His negative reactions were so unpleasant I found myself avoiding making plans I thought he would disapprove of in order to avoid the negative reaction; I wound up never asking to do what I wanted, giving up my wants and desires to please him, no matter what it did to my life. Made me unhappy though, duh!
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Likemyheart - that's exactly what I do too. NO MORE. I'm tired of sitting on my ass in front of the TV because we don't have joint things we enjoy doing together other than that. I'm living my life.
