Resentment... - Al-Anon Family Group

kris10 · Senior Member

Resentment...

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

That's why alanon meetings and a sponsor are so good, because it's not that you aren't suppose to get your feelings out it's that talking to an addict you might as well be talking to their addiction directly. Try rationalizing, reasoning, explaining your feelings to a needle and syringe, it's just not going to happen. A needle and syringe are not going to meet any of your emotional needs. Alanon and sponsors are so good because they can just listen to you as you get it all out. I don't think I've ever left a meeting feeling negative about myself or my situation. Usually my mood is lightened and I feel more positive.

What I have decided about hate and resentment is this .. hate for me uses up all my good. Resentments don't do me any good. Soooo .. it comes down to basically me figuring out that what I'm doing is not healthy for me and I have a choice. Feelings aren't facts, they just are, they are neither right or wrong. They are still mine and I still have to process them. As long as I don't hold on to them I can just allow them to flow through me. When I hold on to them they are poison to my serenity.

It depends on the situation for me on how I choose to handle it. I picked my AH's truck to be angry with .. LOL .. I have many posts I really really really wanted to light that sucker on fire and just burn baby burn. I was having a serious Waiting to Exhale moment. I kicked a couple of tires on a few days as well. At least it wasn't my AH and the truck is just a thing that represents what I was so angry about, rightfully so too. I worked through a lot of stuff and recently God stepped in and said time to let go of the anger. The roaming cat had kittens in the back of the pick up truck .. kind of hard to be mad at the truck with that going on .. lol. Plus .. it's been nice having a second vehicle.

Lots of pillow punching too. If you are home alone take a pillow and beat the crap out of it. That was an exercise years ago I did in the therapy office. I always felt better. There are positive ways to release anger without taking it out on a loved one. You are surrounded by emotional stuffers believe me when I say it's why holding stuff like that in is so unhealthy it turned me into someone I didn't want to be around because I had so much anger and hate I didn't know what to do with it all. Again .. those negative emotions are very valid too that's why it's even more important to take care of you and focus on getting well.

Hugs P :)

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Kris,

Most of us experience(d) what you are feeling- you're not alone. It can be exasperating! It took me a while to start really understanding Alanon and being able to apply and practice the principles; I still reach out regularly with Alanoners to check my motives, to see if I can change my perspectives, sharpen my boundaries.

I also used to think that Alanon promotes stuffing our feelings, but, in fact it is the opposite. Alanon encourages us to sharpen our skills and to realize that we can have a boundary and stick to it. We can mean what we say, say what we mean, but don't say it meanly.... to express ourselves, but to understand the focus is about us and our boundaries- not to change some one else's behavior (if another changes behavior in a positive way, that is great, but it must come from within themselves). Trying to force an outcome from another rarely brings satisfying results. From my experiences, venting to Alanoners, people who understand and are listening, produces a better outcome than venting to someone who is not thinking rationally and is not listening.

This does not mean that you have to put up with bad behaviors. There are choices. It's so hard for me to keep the focus on myself, but every time I achieve it, I notice something wonderful happens.

((Hugs))) Glad you are here.

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

I totally relate to you, Kris- I was the same way. I thought me venting and telling them everything I thought they were doing wrong- proved my great love, concern and care for them. The truth is, me telling them what they are doing wrong (in my opinion) is really a sign of no boundaries and a lack of respect. We surely dont like it when they are telling us what to do, taking our inventory- bc their lives are so screwed up.

Well, tht is how the A feels too - we are emotional basket cases- so we explode, and they tell themselves- see she really is nutty- which gives them an excuse/justification to use/drug again.

the drama and stress is what creates the triggers for them to use- best thing we can learn how to do is to stop feeding their disease.

Boundaries mean we talk about our alanon issues with other alanon members, at our meetings and with our sponsor and HP/god- not with the qualifier and A's we are involved with. Talking to them is like putting gasoline on a raging fire.

It took me years to understand that a boundary is about what is appropriate and beneficial (healthiest) for us. It is about us having our own dignity and respect and taking actions that offer us those feelings.

Sure you feel better in the moment you vent and yell at him but then the remorse comes in and the guilt- bc we are stuck believing that oour manipulation and attempts at control will actually change them and it never will- in fact they resent us when we give them our unsolicited advice, just as we resent them for telling us how to act, be and feel. This is how our disease is- we criticize them, tell them how to live and when they dont take our stellar advice- we get mad at them.

The only way they can get better is if they decide to and by the grace of god, just the same way it works for us- we decide to change or keep on with our misery.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Communication is sort of complex. What would really happen if you said to your ABF "I want to have a heart to heart and please don't get angry" (when he is sober) And then just said "Honey, your addiction is really taking it's toll on me. I am so tired." Okay...so it probably won't change a damn thing because you are powerless over his addiction, BUT - you are in a relationship with him and you do need to communicate your feelings or otherwise form resentments. I think the detachment is really in terms of detaching over the result of what you do or say. You can express your feelings in a calm way...from your heart, but you know that it is up to him to do whatever it is he is going to do. That is still detachment. You can own your feelings. You can state your feelings. Just don't expect that your feelings will control his response. It would be ideal if your feelings were more important to him than his addiction, but we know how massively powerful that addiction is. I hope this makes some sense.

I'm all for open communication in relationship and if you are going to have one with an addict, there is no sense having an elephant in the room. You can express feelings without having a big old tantrum.

danni · Senior Member

These responses are amazing. They are really helping me, and I hope they are helpful for you too. I'm glad you are getting your feelings out. I know for me sharing with my sponser and other al anon friends has been invaluable. When i stay out of the way of my AH's drinking by not engaging in venting towards him, he can no longer use me as a diversion and is left with having to focus on HIMSELF and his drinking. Really thinking about you and sending you lots of support!

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean! Meetings helped me to share what I was feeling and gave me a sounding board and it is where I found my sponsor who is worth more than her weight in gold and I can call and get ESH when I want to spiral or blow steam. Sending you love and support on your journey!

-- Edited by Breakingfree on Friday 11th of November 2011 10:27:07 AM

rrib · Senior Member

kris10 wrote:
How do I get rid of all this hate and resentment?????

It's done in 12 simple little steps:

Twelve Steps

We admitted we were powerless over alcoholthat our lives had become unmanageable.
Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

They are simple but not easy. You're chances of being able to 'work' them, increase exponentially when you become willing to begin attending meetings.

Cupcake · Veteran Member

Kris,
I was also told to focus on my gratitude at times when I feel angry and resentful. Sometimes that helps.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

would you hate and resent him if his disease was cancer?

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Debilyn wrote:
would you hate and resent him if his disease was cancer?

I really believe that in the beginning the answer is yes, there is resentment about someone you love getting sick and dealing with all of the fear and anger that this is happening to a loved one. I don't know if that's fair to say that someone isn't going to feel angry and resentful as those are emotions and they just are what they are and everyone is different that way.

Hugs p :)

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

For me, working on the first 3 steps helped, beginning my fourth step with my sponsor is helping...remembering that I HAD to accept me for me, and him for him helped... The other thing that helped, something that Tommye brought up one day was a "Powerless List". I wrote down all of the things I am powerless over and when I did that, man did it help me see. Then I wrote the gratitude list and my attitude changed... HUGS!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Alcoholism isn't like cancer though. It is more like diabetes which can be kept in remission. I very might well get angry and resentful if my diabetic partner chose to not take insulin and eat a big fat cake. Yes, that would still be a resentment on my part and I would need to deal with the resentment for my own sake...BUT, it's more understandable how the resentment got there.

kris10 · Senior Member

thats where it gets me so mad... Because it is a disease yes... But it is a disease THAT CAN BE KEPT IN REMISSION.... That's what pisses me off I think... Because at any time he could chose to get help again... BUT he just doesn't...

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

Kris
yet again someone on this board has spoken for me.
I just read the book, "if he loved me he would stop" because I thought it would help me as it was suggested to do so.

Man oh man.... I was seething with anger while reading it. I am not going to keep it in the house because it got me so damn angry. I have been on edge all week as I was determined to finish reading it in case it got better.

I really do understand where you are coming from. I have enjoyed reading the responses but I am feeling that I understand them intellectually, but am having a hard time internalising them.

I also am trying to remember that for me.... current hormone changes make me hate my life all the more... I am taking my thoughts with a grain of salt.

I am resentful and angry. NOt only at him, but he bears the brunt of all of it. I hate me and my life and at this point in time, I can see that he could do soooo much to help me if he just stopped substances. That would be his part.

I have done absolutely everything and so far, the only thing that has even slightly made me feel better in any way shape or form.... is the ideas I get from this board.... so I am going to keep trying this method.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

It's a disease. I have never resented anyone for being sick.My mother had cancer, and some of my best friends. I never, ever resented them.

Addicts crave the drug the way we crave water. They cannot just "choose" to stop. If it was that easy no one would be an addict.

In all my experience I have never met anyone who wanted to be an addict.

I just don't understand people who love an A and not understanding that this person's brain is damaged.

Disease is so complicated, it affects every part of a person. I thank the creator I was not born an addict.

I guess I feel like how dare I blame someone, resent someone or be mad at them for being born with predisposed dna to be an addict.

To me it is like resenting them for having brown eyes.

This is my experience. I hate the disease, I hate the behavior, but I pray for the person.

love,debilyn

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi kris,

I was wondering if you've asked your therapist what you should do with your resentment and anger.

I ask because I once held all my anger and resentment inside too. I did it so well that I wasn't aware of these emotions towards my mother, who had a disorder. Thus, she made our lives very difficult and we were ill equipped to deal with it.

I first entered therapy in my early thirties because of major depression. My therapist at the time, would begin our sessions by tossing me a large pillow and telling me to pretend it was my mother. He'd then ask "what do you want to do with your mother today?" I'd get up and place her (the pillow) outside the door. I saw this therapist for about 6 months. I never opened the door to my feelings about her during that period.

You are aware of your feelings and that is a step in the right direction. Hopefully, your therapist can guide you to how to manage them.

I really do think that the Al-Anon program can help you too.

kris10 · Senior Member

Linda- I hear you on the hormonal change thing.. I've already gave my A a heads up to watch out lol. I think i would have to disagree that it isnt something you can choose to do.. Not to say that you can just choose to recover and its all over with and easy from there.. I do believe though that there is a choice to be made wether you TRY to recover or not. That is what im trying to say.. You know youre an addict, you know its messing up your life, you know its taking your health, and yet to not even try... Thats what makes me upset.. I chose to get sober 12 years ago. I had a 2 week long relapse and I chose to stop. I still choose to stay sober. I have a disease myself that I choose to work on every single day. I chose to fight against my agoraphobia to go see him when he was in treatment.. Which was waay harder for me to do than to get sober. I realize that it is a disease and it is the disease that i resent.. Its just hard to always remember that. I guess because I can only physicaly see him and not the disease. I guess im at the point where everything is just exhausting.. Im trying to almost retrain myself how to be or reach and if im not doing that, the old way is exhausting too. Its like i have to commit every second of my day to working the alanon tools in order to get by.. If i dont it gets worse. I guess i just want a day were i dont have to work on this and have it still go well lol. I hate that id have to work on being happy i guess.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Debilyn, hate is not productive period...and yes, addicts deserve compassion to a degree that it does not enable. However, there are some choices involved. I did choose recovery and other addicts and alcoholics can too. It is that simple and the addict and alcoholic will make you believe it is so complicated so they can keep using. Yes, AA was hard work and it remains so at times, but it is not complicated.

Mark

kris10 · Senior Member

Pinkchip- I love that you said "you can express your feelings without having a big old tantrum". Lol seriously I need to be bluntly told things like that sometimes. Thanks!

Cupcake · Veteran Member

Have to agree with pinkchip here. Alcoholism is NOT like cancer but it is a disease and I like the analogy you made to diabetes. I understand that they would not choose to have the disease as I imagine no one would choose to have diabetes either but the choice comes in in how you manage your disease. I would be angry and resentful if someone I loved CHOSE not to take their meds or ate sugary stuff they weren't supposed to. I think that's human nature. It's our CHOICE what we do with those feelings not that we have them.

Kris - hope you can find a healthy outlet for the resentment and anger. Maybe a sport where you can hit balls really hard? LOL

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I crossed my legs when hitting balls really hard got mentioned.

nyc018 · Senior Member

I feel for what you are going through now as I am dealing with a heap of resentment AH today myself. This is one of the harder things to deal with. I am going to flip through the index of Courage to Change now and read some of the passages there about the topic. Wishing you support.

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

The way to release resentment (anger and bitterness) can be a process of letting go of several things. Our expectations can build up resentments in us bc we are expecting others to be different or situations to be different than what the reality actually is. It is us thinking we should have control over something outside of us; it us not being able to accept reality; it is us believing we have control when we dont.

I found my expectations - positive ones - even negative ones about me- good or bad- they only hurt me, my sponsor said to let them go & one I did- I built up no new resentments. It means no projecting into the future or past, living in today where I can be constructive and empower myself (in the) right now. My fearful projecting kept me enslaved to fear- and takes me away from gaining back and owning my personal power right now.

For the old resentments: I found I had to trace the memory- acknowledge the source which under anger is always pain of some kind. Each time I went to forgive a person for 'how they hurt me' I first had to forgive me for being hurt in the first place. I had to forgive me for being human - and choosing to put my hopes or expecations on others. I had to forgive me for acting/being a victim and letting my inner child/soul down. I had to forgive me (and others) for lots of things but always it was me first - and then it was the way I was thinking about them. So- this is just my experience of course- and I also had to pray to god/hp to show me how- show me how to love me, accept me, how to forgive me bc I did not know how. I was terrified to risk loving, forgiving and accepting me too -but it was not worse then the constant fear and judgment I was already living with and doing to myself.

I think when we have resentments it is because we are holding anger for someone else or for us and the past. I had to learn how to live in the present moment and I dont know of any more powerful, liberating and transformative tool than forgiveness.

Focusing on others feeds the disease and it robs you of your power and life. Focusing on you, HP and the program is what gives you your life and power back. Nothing is as scray as we imagine it- yes it is all a painful process and the process is empowering, liberating and transforms you in the you hidden under all that pain, abuse and past.

Incidentally- if u are interested in reading material- the book, The Power of Now by Eckart Tolle allowed me to get into the now bc I was very compuslive about projecting into the future and living in the past. The book 12 Steps for Adult Children (it has the building blocks on cover) it allowed me to trace my twisted feelings of fear and guilt and get to me underneath. It also helped me identify the traits and behaviors of acoas- (we who grow up in dysfunction) and I had been them all at one time or another - it really allowed alanon to make sense for me bc our issues do run so deep, nearly subconscious drives and habits that I took on as coping mechanisms that worked in the past but as an adult- the only continued to hurt me and damage every aspect of my life.

The short steps are like the 3 A's: awareness, acceptance, action. I like to call it: AIR: acknowlede (the anger/pain), identify it (accept it so that you can change it) and release it!

Take care of YOU whatever that looks like: honor those feelings.

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

I think the issue with feelings is to be heard. Whenever I expressed my feelings to any alcoholic/addict they could not hear me because (a) they were compulsvie b( they were medicated with alcohol or drugs and (c) they had to eat, sleep denial.

Did I express my feelings to them, plenty of times.

I think actions are a good way to express feelings. Channel the anger into something, some project some thing to do for yourself. Of course that is easier said than done.

Natually sorting through the mixed feelings towards an alcoholic is what al anon is all about. I believe detachment is about learning boundaries and sel f care not about not acknowledging what is going on. I certainly when I am practising detachment absolutely acknowledge what is going on but I don't have to be an open book about it.

Certainly most of my life I have spilled my feelings everywhere. Now I don't. Some of that is because I choose actively who and where I share things. I am not sharing with everyone who crosses my path. In fact I'm pretty limited in what I will and do say about my life to others. Few people know about how hard my life is. Everyone knew before.

I hung around people who were open books to. I had my whole life out there for everyone to know for a long long time. I also know the ex A spread his resentment, anger and dislike of me (what was to like in a bitter, angry , resentful person) all around. He had plenty of mixed feelings too, he loved me and hated me but most of all he needed me to clean up his mess and that wasn't exactly a healthy relationship.

Alcohol and drugs make a huge mess wherever they are. Alcholics are renown for not taking responsiblity for what they do and what they fail to do. So we step up and do it all. Some books like Getting them Sober help us to take back some self control, some self love and some self preservation. None of us do this alone. I have a support system. I had no support system when I lived with the ex A as I was not exactly nice to be around. I treasure my support system, my friends, my back ups, people who are actually interested in me.

When the ex A's alcoholism and addiction progressed he had absolutley no interest or care about me or our dogs, our home, our life at all. He did at one time. I don't doubt he loved and cherished his dog but alcoholism robbed him of the ability to cherish, protect and preserve. For a long long time I let it rob me of my life too.

I'm so glad you are here in this program and can use tools and take care of yourself. Therapy has been a big help to me. At the same time I found the daily contact I enjoy in a program nuturing, kind and wise.

All of us have different opinions of what works for us. Some people do indeed manage to live around A's and not be destroyed by it. Others do chose to leave. We can do either with dignity and self care with al anon and no one will judge you, rate you or grade you on your recovery here.

Maresie.

kris10 · Senior Member

thank you everyone!! You all made alot of sense out of this for me...

Kitty- I really liked your last comment... Helps alot! thanx

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.