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I found this old post (2004) by Elizabeth to be very inspiring, and thought I would share it with other newbies like myself. ---------- Wise words from an AA who counsels with families of alcoholics: "Yes, the alcoholic can be forced to get sober."
The spouse: "But I've tried everything. He won't listen to reason. I've yelled and complained, paid the bills, threatened to leave--but nothing works."
"Of course not. This is you applying the force and that never works. I suggest you stop taking action. The only force that can change the alcoholic's pattern is the pressure that builds up inside him when the family refuses to react any longer. When he can't count on your helping him, when you won't assuage his guilt by fighting with him, and you refuse to get him out of trouble--then he'll be compelled to face up to things. In other words, try inaction instead of constantly figuring out something to do about him."
It is not easy to restrain ourselves from reacting to what others do that seems to affect us. A healthy detachment brings about the very changes we were powerless to make by continually fighting the problem.
"God helps those who don't try to take over His work."
The only force that can change the alcoholic's pattern is the pressure that builds up inside him when the family refuses to react any longer. When he can't count on your helping him, when you won't assuage his guilt by fighting with him, and you refuse to get .......
A healthy detachment brings about the very changes we were powerless to make by continually fighting the problem. "God helps those who don't try to take over His work."
I lived in an alcoholic marriage for 36 years. About 20 months after our separation, followed by a divorce, he decided that he had a drinking problem.
It took me a long time. But I finally got out of his way and let him fall flat on his face (figuratively speaking). I didn't come rescuing when he fell; I stood back and let him pick himself up. Hard? You bet. But I knew by then that it was for the best.
He has been sober for 6 months now. Everyone says that he's "back." The guy I married in 1974! I thought he'd be lost forever.
Al-Anon is a good place to learn how to get out of their way and begin focusing on what you can control - you.
Live can and does get better.
Thanks for sharing. I'm certain that it will help a lot of newcomers.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
That is "Old Timer" Al-Anon wisdom and it is right on and works however don't count on blanket guarantees regarding all of the issues...The old timers use to talk to me about backing away and letting my alcoholic addict fall and feel the complete sidewalk. They use to tell me to stop being the pillow between her and the concrete. They were right...Great Post and research. Keep coming back GG (((((hugs)))))
I couldn't agree more. Everyone's situation is differemt but by allowing our alcohoics the diginity of their own choices without any interference from us, by our inaction, our not reacting, we are doing the best thing for ourselves and also the alcoholic in our lives. How can one argue with or question the only proven and tested means of handling the problems this disease throws at us?
"God helps those who don't try to take over His work."
So simple. So true. But it was so hard for me to do. As we say in the program, I was doing the best I could with what I had at the time. I'm a person of faith, but my faith was in myself at the time.
Even though nothing I ever tried worked I continued doing the same things over and over. I'm not a quiter and I wasn't a quiter. Why couldn't I say something, or have the magic words? The reason, alcoholism is a cunning, baffling, and powerful disease that takes over the mind, body, and spirit of the alcoholic.
Finally after years of fighting a battle I couldn't win I gave up and gave in to a power greater than myself. Did that make me a quiter? No. I only realized and accepted I was powerless.
By letting go and letting God, turning my alcoholic over and getting our of HP's way a freeing feeling came over me. She was not my problem anymore, and never was. I had wasted many years of my life giving my alcoholic to my HP and taking her back before noon the following day.
On January 2nd, 2012 it will be three years since I made that decision. I haven't tried once to "take over His work", she's in the best hands she can possible be in, and my life has changed for the better.
That was solid recovery passed on in a nutshell. When we take our hands off others and cease trying to change them, they have a shot at recovery just as we do.
Thank you for sharing. I have never seen that as it was slightly before I found the gift of MIP.
thanks for sharing. I am working hard at the hope that things can get better but then also the hope in myself that if he cant get better. I can and will. this was nice. i have to take it and spin it and add my way of thinking to it as well. I am trying hard not to wait for the other shoe to drop but building up a strong enough spirit so that if it does I can handle it.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
That I believe is taken from July 14th in One Day at a time, one of my favorite passages that Abbyal suggests reading :) That book is amazing, there are many gems in it just like this. July 5th is another good one. Wonderful words that helped me surrender and work on acceptance :) What a great find !!!!!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
What a blessing to have the Wisdom and message of Hope on this board!
I am a double winner. I drank for 20 years. I have been sober for 22 years now. However, I do not believe it would have ever happened if I still had "Other Esteem" in my life. See, I had no "Self Esteem" that comes from an inside source. My esteem and identify was attached to the externals. I still had a wife, kids, the cars, the home, the business... all the goodies that I could point at, that I utilized to justify my existance and leaned on to point out that "I must not be that bad".
Well, one day, I lost it all. The wife was gone, the kids were gone, the home was gone, the business gone, ... everything I valued was gone. And I sat by myself, with myself... and I was finally forced to conceed to my inner most self that I am a alcoholic and that my life was absolutely unmanagable. I sat on a curb, with tears rolling down my face, not wanting to take another drink, as I took another drink...
Then I heard that inner voice of truth..."Go back to AA John, give it one more chance, its your only hope, and the only place you are wanted right now"... Get up and go.."
I went that evening and I haven't had a drink since, I did not get the wife back, I didn't get the home back, and it took a few years to build a good relationship with my son... but I got me back.. the me that God created, not the guy that had been molded by alcoholism.
I spoke to my ex wife just a few days ago, the one that left 22 years ago... today we are dear friends. And every time we speak I am inclined to end our conversation with "Thank you for saving my life and letting me land solidly on my lack of self esteem by removing my Other esteem. Without you, I don't know where I would be today." God used you to get to me. For that I am grateful.
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
