i have found my rock bottom - Al-Anon Family Group

afares · Member

i have found my rock bottom

nyc018 · Senior Member

Hi afares - you are right, he does need to work it out on his own. You both own your respective recoveries - Alanon is for you, so him saying that it is too late for him doesn't matter. It is very good that he has 18 mos sobriety under his belt, but it does sound as if his sobriety is more physical than spiritual at this point. Otherwise, you're just dealing with a dry drunk - (which is nearly as unpleasant as a wet drunk).
Is he going to AA meetings and does he have a sponsor? Hopefully for his sake he does. But your focus needs to be on yourself. He will recover on his own timetable and in his own way if that's what he wants. It's still very early for him. The more you do Alanon, the easier it will be to feel free to let go.
You're on the right track, you just need to take care of yourself and let him take care of himself. Things have a way of working out when we let go of control.
Wishing you much support!

afares · Member

Yes, he has sponsor and he is working his program as far as i know. All he has been doing every night is AA. Which I am gratefull for. I am working on my Alanon also.

I am just so afraid of the future and that is keeping me filled with anxiety etc. I have tried so hard to turn this over to god but its so hard for me. I know i need to let go but i am struggling. I just miss him.

rosielee · Senior Member

here is what i think, the more you work on you- the better your relationships will be, and the stronger you will be as a person- so you will be able to cope with seperations- or reunites. its good that you are not wanting to control him- i think both of yu are anxious and uncertain about the future...like yu said this disease has deep consequences for all concerned.

if it was me, I would take it one day at a time. get through the day and not think about bigger issues.

i understand you will need to know where you stand though in this relationship.

nyc018 · Senior Member

It's good that you're both working your programs. I so relate to missing your husband and worrying about the future...I'm in the same boat. I'm separated from my AH, and we are coming off a great deal of wreckage that his alcoholism led to.
I'd say that's where the "One day at a Time" element comes in. I think today's reading in Courage To Change addresses that. Not everything needs to be figured out in one day. It's very overwhelming to worry about all the what if's and how things will play out in the future...but breaking it down to one day at a time helps me when I go down that road.

rrib · Senior Member

afares wrote:
So, i have been working on Alanon very hard over the past month and 1/2 .

So, i am trying to figure out what the correct thing to do is and how to react to him.

Early recovery is hard - both on the A.A. side and on the Al-Anon side. It's not complicated, it's simple. Just not easy. And it takes time.

His diving into his own program in A.A. right now is a good thing. Working a concentrated A.A. program now increase the chances of obtaining long-term soberity. Many stay very involved with A.A.

This is an opportunity for you to stop trying to react to him and concentrate on your own program of recovery. It's OK to make your own emotional health the priority in your life. Especailly right now.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

In my experience we all need to work on our own self,regardless of anyone else. What he chooses to do is his business.

I would say to my AH,"It has always been your choice." I would never have anyone around who was not sure if they wanted to be. That to me is the disease still trying to control us, bring us down so we are controllable.

As far as him,"helping YOU with the kids" this always floors me, do you say you are helping him with the kids? They are HIS kids too.No father babysits his kids either. If he is acting like he is doing you a huge favor, its another manipulation tactic.

Good for you for learning to take care of you. Do you have a list of names with phone numbers from your Al anon group? A sponsor? I hope you will call someone to invite them to come see you. Depression is a real disease. It has to be horribly hard to be with an A when you are working on feeling better from that.

I am glad you came here. We care. Keep coming! love,debilyn

afares · Member

I do agree with you that if he doesn't want to be here, then i don't want him around. I have heard this before for him and i usually push and push about what he wants and i am not going to do that.

The only thing i did ask him to do was think really hard about if his usual comments about our relationship is how he really feels or how he reacts when we discuss old money/family issues. Because if he leaves it isn't going to be a revolving door. He can sleep downstairs until he needs to.

With the kids. I basically said this is what i need from you. Monday, Wednesday and Friday i need you here so i can go to my meetings. I need you here every morning so that you can get them ready for school. I don't need anything else from you right now. Go fix yourself and I will fix me. I have always catered to him and try to fix it by talking it out but i can't anymore. He needs to work on it by himself. if he wants to leave then that is his choice but i just worry about our three kids . he can't leave and them come back over and over. it isnt fair to them.

I have in the past had a problem with alanon becuase i have isolated myself so much. I was scared to call people or ask someone to be my sponsor which i still don't have. I have someone in mind though and i think next time i see her i will ask.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

It is all a process and it sounds like you are working on yourself and getting your ducks lined up. I am glad you are here and making it to face to face meetings. My sponsor has been a life saver. I am sending you love and support on your journey!

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi,

I can so relate to your post. My ABF is sober and in AA has ben for 2 and a half years but carnt stay sober for more than about 9 mobths. This disease has taken its toll on me I too am angrey, upset, isolating. I have been in al anon for four years and I have good days were I work the programme but I too slip just like him.

I though sobriety meant they stop drinking and evrything is o.k. But that is just the begginning it is like a jigsaw puzzles that has to be put back together. My abf has got his own place ansd we have seperated. He needs to focus on his recovery family life and stress seem to be too much AA is his focus. I used to like him goig to Aa but still miss him and get upset. Today i know i really have to let go if it is gods will we will be together. I find it so much easier to fous on my rcovry when he is not around. But I kno i have so much wor todo to get rid of the resentment, self pity, negativity. Today I am trying to put into al anon as much as I can I hope one dy we could b together but with or without him I need to fix my sticking thinkig

your friend in recovery xxx.

danni · Senior Member

I really feel for you. I remember how painful it was for me when I first started Al Anon (1 year ago) and how uncomfortable I felt connecting with other people. I was so isolated and guarded, and my emotions were so intense. It sounds like you're doing a great job. I have 2 small children, so i can relate to your fears for your kids. Keep coming back. It really does get better. Sending you lots of love and support today!!!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

This is such an Al-Anon Family Group discussion full of empathy, compassion and support and this is what helped save me after the disease all most took my life. This post is also very open and loving and honest so unlike when the disease is raging.

I also will share that learning how to live in the moment only with the meditation that "God is" and the awareness that absolutely nothing is cut in stone when it comes to how HP works. I do not fear outcomes because as my HP is involved all outcomes are open ended and forever changing.

Great sharing. ((((hugs)))) smile

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Alfares, hold your head up high and know you deserve a partner that loves you and really wants to be with you. Even though he is sober, I'm still hearing some power play going on here with him debasing you and and telling you that you aren't good enough, you haven't done enough for him....not sure if he loves you...etc... A bit one sided.

You spent a long time wondering if anything you did could ever get him to stop drinking. Now you are obsessing over what you can do to get him to love you again like he used to...both things you are powerless over. What about you?

This alanon is not devised to help your relationship. It's to help you. If you focus on loving yourself and expanding spiritually, you will be okay with whatever happens in the relationship.

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

Be kind to yourself. I found great solace in the book Getting them Sober.

If you are wokring full time and have children how can you expect yourself to put a lot into other things. Dealing with a depression is very consuming.

I am glad you are here. Keep posting

Maresie.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.