The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So today is a hard day, I'm feeling resentful for having to take over the money and put it in his account bit by bit as he needs things like gas. I took the cards in anger last week when he "slipped " and went to the liquor store again the third weekend in a row. He has since asked me to keep all the money so he isn't tempted.
Im feeling resentful and angry that I have to be in charge of the house, cars, work and most importanly our baby.
I am resentful of him saying "i'm doing the best I can" but then when I am finaly crabby and tired and angry and just don't want to talk to him today, he has the nerve to walk in and say "why are you mad at me, I didn't do anything"!
Yes you did! you drank and lied and drank and hide things and drank and was mean and rude, but Im just supposed to let it go because your working your program today and went to a meeting again.
Why am I supposed to be cool with all this, I didn't lose it with the over and over betrayal and deceit but Im having a bad day darnit and I dont want to explain it to him and I dont want to hear the tone in his voice. Am i not allowed to have a bad day and him be the reason? He said Im sorry you had a bad day at work but dont take it out on me. Does he really not get it? Saying I'm sorry does not mean things are fixed.
He did get back on Trazadone, which seems to be helping and he is going to a psychologist this week to help him find what has triggered this replapse after 6 yrs sober and he is talking to his sponsor, but I dont feel like patting him on his back praising him right now. I want him to maybe look at me and say I know your angry because of the things I have done and Im sorry. But he truly thinks "how many times can I say Im sorry" than were back to "Im doing the best I can"
This is a long rant and I am trying to read one day at a time in al anon and find a meeting time that works, cuz he goes to the evening meeting and Im home with the baby. Sorry for the pity party and rant but It helps so much to just get it out, I can;t talk to anyone about this. Thanks
-- Edited by noelle2 on Wednesday 9th of November 2011 08:21:49 PM
(((noelle2))) No need to apologize, you're allowed to rant. Even after almost two years in alanon I still have days when I feel angry and resentful. But I have come to realize that although those feelings may give me some kind of temporary feeling of righteousness, in the long run they don't help at all. Of course you are allowed to have a bad day, it happens to all of us. ¨Does he really not get it? ¨ Sorry to say this, but no, he probably does not get it. What seems obvious to us (people without addictions) means nothing to those who are addicted. Their brains are rattled, they can't think straight. I'm glad to hear that he is going to a psychologist this week. Maybe that will be of help to him. But whatever he does or doesn't do, try to keep the focus on YOU and not him, or what he's said, done, etc. I hope you can get to a meeting. And I hope you will keep coming back here. Alanon, and this board really can be a help.
You have a voice and you need to hear it speak up for you. That is part of the power to change the things we can which is being silent on the outside and screaming on the inside tearing our guts up with a smile on our face.
Enablers do that with professional grace...If he is not drinking he can spend the time at an AA meeting. No such thing as I don't need it. (((hugs)))
In hindsight, I wish I had kept my finances and accounts separate from my AHs. He was always one that thought as long as there were checks, there was money in the account. OY.
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I do so hope you find a meeting that works for you. My spouse watches my children one evening per week and on the weekends so that I can get to meetings. I pick my little one up from moms day out before lunch. Luckily I can get to a meeting before hand. So, for me I need meetings like I need to breathe. My spouse is not in recovery but he encourages me to attend I believe because I have changed, and our marriage has changed. Don't be afraid to ask for what you need. If going to a meeting is something you need to learn the tools of the program, give it a shot.
Yah Noelle...I truly think yours is a common experience for a spouse of a newly recovering (or once again recovering) person. I can tell you from my own experience in recovery that I didn't have much clue as to how badly I hurt others until a while down the line. What motivates alcoholics in to treatment is the same thing that got us drinking: Selfishness. The pain of being a drunk becomes too much and we begin getting sober. From there, doing the steps and the spiritual journey that follows is what allows us to grow as human beings and to avoid relapse. Only after doing the steps do I see how my alcoholism really affected other people. I had thought that the one that suffered more than anyone was me. So, I think you wont see that awareness from him until he does more stepwork and more time passes.
Anyhow, this is really about you on this site. I know you will find others with the common experiences you are describing in Alanon. It will be the answer for your head to not explode while he is taking his "baby steps" in recovery.
Sending you lots of love and support today! I was exhausted, frustrated, scared and really sad yesterday, and today I feel so much better after attending a meeting last night. I hope you can get to one. I'm really thinking about you this morning. Please don't apologize for sharing. you are not alone.
its a lot on your plate right now, hopefully it will ease up and he can start taking on his fair share more- for now all he can do is concentrate on getting better- which is the priority. and this is what yu want. have you told him how you feel? because it sounds like its churning around and manifesting itself to bigger resentments- perhaps you could say that you know he is not doing anything wrong,,,but you feel like you are burnt out a bit. then at least he can do some gesture that will make you feel perhaps a bit better. or maybe thats a duff suggestion.
