The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am married to an active alcoholic, and right now - I'm really angry about it.
There aren't any meetings in my area tonight that I can attend, so in the interest of full disclosure - I found this site and am just here to vent. I'm new to Al-Anon and haven't been to many meetings, so in addition to venting I'll probably commit several Al-Anon faux pas as well.
In short - I'm tired of riding the roller coaster of my husband's alcoholism. I feel helpless and alone and increasingly angry (which scares me, because I'm a very peaceful person who knows how pointless it is to hold on to anger). I try to "take care of myself" and basically ignore his addiction, but I'm currently having a very difficult time doing that. I try to let myself off the roller coaster, and just like his addiction I do ok for a while, but then I hop back on.
My husband and I would absolutely LOVE to have children, but I can't justify starting a family with an alcoholic father at the helm. The problem is I'm not young anymore, and facing infertility due to reproductive issues, so the longer I put it off the higher the chances it'll never happen. I'm very angry AT HIM for this. If we miss our chance at parenthood because he won't deal with his alcoholism, I fear I will be resentful for the rest of our lives. Just last night we tried to be intimate, but he couldn't . . . make it happen because he was so intoxicated. The sad thing is, that happens so often that it didn't even really phase us. So we just went to bed, him fast asleep and me awake and fuming. It's incredibly hard for me to come to just accept it all, and that this is what my life is.
Over the years I've commited all the classic co-dependent reactions, from crying and begging him to get help, to threatening not to have the children he dearly wants. It's silly. And it pisses me off. He grew up with an alcoholic mother, who caused the collapse of his family and loss of his childhood and put his father through hell, yet he now perpetuates that same situation. I saw him want to get better a few times before, but he has zero interest in it now. It's like he has just given up and given in to the disease, and that's what scares me most. My hope is dwindling and burning out with each day and each drink.
I love him very much, and I want to make it work - but as I've learned - there's nothing I can do. Yet to him, does that tell him that I'm ok with his alcoholism? If I just never speak of it or let my emotions show that it upsets me? It seems like that's how he takes it when I don't bring it up - that it's ok with me, so basically I feel like it's a lose/lose situation. Nothing changes if I do bring it up, and nothing changes if I don't. At least when I bring it up there's a release in *me*, so I'm not holding all this negativity in. But I know Al-Anon teaches otherwise. I'm a work in progress. I wish I could just be at peace with it all.
Thank you for reading. Wishing peace to you today, as I work to find it myself.
Your sister in recovery,
Andrea
-- Edited by floweroflife on Wednesday 9th of November 2011 07:48:07 PM
Thanks Andrea. You have a lot of confusing and serious thoughts to consider....I am starting to see that the balance between drawing boundaries vs. accepting is different for everyone and what is right for you will be whatever gives you the most serenity. I tend to think that in a marriage you should be able to communicate honestly and with ease, but alcoholism does throw a wrench into that. Only you can decide what you will do.
Personally, I have come to grips that I will probably never have children, but that is because I am a gay male. I work as a therapist to chldren all day so I am not feeling I am missing out on anything at the moment lol. If I had to come home to kids after my work days, I would slay them. Anyhow, I'm not resentful I am gay and that this makes it way way harder to have kids. That is just a fact. I also know that I can adopt or foster later in life should I want. I don't get the whole appeal of passing on our genes anyhow. You straight people baffle me with your procreation.
Thanks for your response, pinkchip! I often find the whole procreation thing odd myself. :) I wonder if it's a female thing . . . ingrained in us? I have many close gay friends, and the women with partners all have children (biological to one parent), or want to have children at some point in the future, whereas none of my gay male friends have a desire to at all. I hadn't really realized that before. Wacky humans.
Hi flower and welcome to MIP. I'm very sorry about what you're going through, and I relate. My AH also grew up with an alcoholic mother, which damaged him. Unfortunately while many kids of A's shun alcohol for that reason, (and I hoped he was one of them)many do repeat the same pattern.
I did all the things you did to try to get my AH to stop when I noticed there was a problem. I tried begging, having calm talks, crying when I couldn't handle it any more. Even getting his mom, an A in recovery, to try to talk to him. I felt better temporarily, because I thought that if he knew how much it bothered me, he'd change. But he kept doing it. Sometimes he'd nod and say he knows he has a problem, and sometimes it erupted in awful fights which depleted me and seriously damaged our marriage. This summer things got to the point where I could no longer live with him. It was a downhill spiral. After his first stint in detox, I told him to move in with his mom. I couldn't do it anymore. He went to an outpatient rehab program, but continued to drink. After his last binge he lost his mind, then lost his job, and finally went to an inpatient rehab. He has been sober since. but has a long, tough road ahead, and we are currently separated. I am sure that my previous begging and fighting with him has very little to do with his current sobriety.
I don't think that by letting go of trying to actively control it, fight, he'll think you're ok with it. By this point he probably knows you're not. But as you know, trying to control it doesn't work. Alcoholics will drink until and unless they really want to recover. I tried everything with my AH - but realize that it didn't really matter - I was watching a runaway train and couldn't stop it.
What did help me was really coming to terms with letting go. Alanon helped me with that. It doesn't mean you stop loving him or stop wanting him to get better. It just means you take the focus off of his drinking and put it back on yourself. I'd encourage you to attend more meetings. In addition, what helped me was reading Alanon literature such as "Courage to Change." There is another great book called "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews. It was a godsend when I was going through one of the worst crises of my life.
You're going through a rough time but it will get easier...you just need to take care of yourself first. Sending you lots of support. Keep coming back, nyc
A heartfelt THANK YOU, nyc018. Excellent reminders all around. I may just find peace tonight after all. I have Courage to Change and will climb in bed and put it to good use tonight. Thank you again!
I dont think that detaching is ignoring the addiction.. I think its suppose to be more about working on you and your reaction to it.. Looking at your part in it all and then working on your part of the problem.. Easier said than done... But i guess blaming someone for how we feel or being angry is never going to make ourselves feel they way we want to right..
You've gotten a lot of great ESH already. I hope you will keep coming back this is a great place to work through things and a touch stone between meetings.
Sending love and support, hug, P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I just wanted to welcome you myself to the forum as so many others have. Please continue to share from the heart. I think you will find that so many of us here understand as few others could.
there is the question of love but there is also the question of compatibility and wanting the same things. it must be a big love to sacrifice motherhood to someone. sometimes you cant find the perfect partner to have a baby with but i commend you so much for your sensible and practical thinking. if i waited to find a perfect partner...id still be childless now at the age of 40. i had a baby when i was 24- and go pregnant with someone completely entirely unsuitable. he was a total failure as a father and hasnt been in our lives for years and years- not even a birthday card- my son doesnt know who he is...but that wasnt my choice- i tried. but i am so glad i had my son and if this was the only way i could have c hildren, then thats the only way.
My AH would LOVE to have children, I can't fathom trying to add a little person into the chaos. I'm learning about acceptance, serenity, changing me. He has a 2 1/2 year old daughter, and I think she is fabulous, and I love her so much.
I'm taking life one day at a time, and praying a whole lot. I love my husband, I'm only starting to understand how to separate the disease from the person. We had a conversation (he was sober) one afternoon and I told him that I refused to have children with someone who was drinking and smoking pot all the time the result was he tried to quit drinking, it lasted for maybe 3 days, if that.
For today, I know I'm right where HP wants me to be. This week several times I have heard when in doubt, don't. I believe that as I figure out how to change me and as I turn things over to HP I will understand whatever the next steps are supposed to be.
In the meantime I love on baby girl, and my friend's children.
yes thats good to do- youve got a child in your life...thats good.
i think feeling angry and hating it all etc...its human...its natural and i think this is what the board is for- so people can get it off their chest- we cant fix people but we can listen- yes?
There is a very wise woman who I adore greatly who says "Hate uses up all my good." I really like that and go to that a lot. Being a hateful person doesn't hurt anyone except me, while I can wear the mantle if I choose to it's not who I am becoming now. So when I really get angry and I really think some hateful thoughts and I have them in me .. lol .. I go back to how much good do I really want to use up.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
