The death of a relationship - Al-Anon Family Group

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

The death of a relationship

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Enjoyed your post! I can relate. You're doing so well!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

You do sound like you have come a long ways in dealing with a situation that would not be easy no matter how you would slice it. Sometimes in dealing with people that I feel are full of crap or wrong...I try and remember I am only seeing them in a certain context which is usually driven by their fears. To other people, your in-laws probably are good and upstanding. They are able to present themselves without all the BS they do with you because the fears of losing control of their son and grandkids and you are not there in those relationships. So...in that aspect, I can accept others like or see redeeming qualities in people I do not like. They get to see a better side of that person and I guess that's okay.

danni · Senior Member

Sending you lots of support today!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

You have a wise, intuitive daughter. Just because these people are family does not mean they are good for her.

She seems to see how toxic they are. We have all kinds of family. My friends family was mine. Teaches, couselors, staff at the schools. Some kids have a 4 H family.

I would be helping her find what she is interested in and encourage that. Its amazing what that can do to ones life.

My way was and is to allow them the respect to make their own choices based on their own feelings.

I has to be very hard for you!Myself the inlaws were horrible to me. I tried so hard. But finally let them have it. They were so mean to me, saying i was not family, but I stayed with my bil a month thru lots of hardship as he was dieing in the hospital. Not ONE of them came to see him,not one.

dysfunction is correct. I had NO reason to love them or accept them.

Good for you to be looking at this wisely. hugs,debilyn

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs BF,

We live in a smallish town as well not as small as what you are describing however small enough that it gets a little weird I've called it incestuous on some levels.

I really just try and respect my kids feelings about things. I don't push if they want to go they can however if not they don't have to. I choose not to deal with my AH's family at least on my FIL's side and his mother. I've seen what they do to people as far as using them and throwing them away and I have better things and people to invest that kind of time in. I try and keep my opinions to myself about the situation and some days are easier than others.

I tend to go with the What other people think of me is none of my business thought process. It just is what it is .. I don't wish anyone ill I just choose my friends and maybe being adopted I just have an ingrained sense that I can also choose those I think of as family. These people I do not think of as family. They are my AH's family and even he has chosen to back away from them after a couple of incidents. They are not people I would go out of my way to be more than just extremely casual acquaintances. I don't feel like they would go out of their way to pick up the phone and call.

Anyway, you are working a great program with great awareness and it really goes back to is it in my best interests to do .. fill in the blank. I really do not believe that goes wrong in that sense.

Hugs p :)

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Deb~I have made my own little family with a friend of mine that is also 33 and her sister is like my sister and her brothers are like my brothers and her Mom even calls me the blonde daughter. Her dad has passed and I helped them through a couple years with one of my jobs being a home health care/hospice nurse. I have adopted my own little family that does support me and loves me right where I am at. I rely on these people more than my blood family on purpose. My 13 year old has so many outlets soccer, basketball, youth group, guitar lessons and plays with a band and more, she is very healthy and active and pulls straight A's and is a great older sister and babysits for me regularly and helps around the house. She has Al-ateen books she reads and has a great head on her shoulders.

I was just mentally looking forward to moving further away from the exAH and his parents and this town of 700 people with 4 bars and most people looking in other's backyards. I guess it will help keep me growing and cleaning my own backyard and raising my kids knowing that you can grow no matter what the circumstances are if you so choose. I don't know what the future holds and I will conitinue living in the moment that isn't that bad and be hopeful for my future!

-- Edited by Breakingfree on Wednesday 9th of November 2011 04:34:35 PM

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs (again .. lol),

I find children are resilient little creatures and they have to be .. look what we survived and are here talk about it, ha ha .. if I ever took my act on the road I know what I would be talking about .. lol. I fully appreciate what you are saying about not wanting to uproot the kids and move them. We can move anywhere in town and even out of town, the one constant is their school and for me that is soooo important. It's the reason I was insistent even though it's a financial crunch and I could do other things with the monthly tuition money, they have a fantastic support system.

Maybe you will move and if it does they are going to be ok just like you will be as well. I hope that doesn't sound advicish that's not where I am coming from. I just want you to know as long as you are happy the kids are going to be happy. It's a great by product of recovery and life in general. Now as I rephrase that's what I have found in me coming to recovery. The kids have relaxed because I have, no one is walking around on eggshells anymore and that's been the nicest change.

The subject of letting go and letting our children grow up came up in passing and my response was I have my eyes shut at times thinking please please please don't do what I did do something better and make better choices. They are going to do what they are going to do and all I can do is love them where they are at.

UGH on the church deal, I do understand how hard that is having everything intertwined in that way. I ran into family at the church I go to my Tuesday meeting and there I sat hiding in the car .. LOL .. I felt like a DORK however I was not going to get out and even have the question come up why I was there.

Hugs p :)

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Regarding children and their resilience: Dealing with foster kids day in and day out....A few of them just blow my mind with how resilient they are.

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

The ex A's family was a huge issue for me when I was in relationship with him. They took priority on the holidays. Then his mother upped and married someone and moved 2 states away.

I've come to have compassion for her and an understanding why she was so prickly, mean and controlling. After all she had two Alcoholic and addicted sons. There were many indications she was a functional alcoholic as she always insisted on having alcohol at family gatherings even though it was a huge issue for her sons. I used to be puzzled, resentful and alarmed by her behavior. Now I see it as someone dealing with alcoholics all her life without a program. That was all she could come up with.

Where my mistake were was having some expectation of her. I had the same attitude towards her I had towards the alcoholic. Why are these people doing this to me?

Getting them Sober (the book) and this forum as well as having a sponsor has helped me a great deal. It certainly is hard to be around alcoholics but why do we expect them to be cordial, kind and welcoming is a mystery to me. I set myself up time and time again.

Of course now I have nothing whatsoever to do with the A, his mother or any of his friends I have the space to be compassionate, wise and clear. When I was dealing with them 24/7 it was another matter.

maresie.

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