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I knew it then and I know it now. It was a combo of hating myself and being afraid to be alone. For me, I would rather be with someone I couldn't stand at that point than to be alone. When alone, I had to think about myself. I had to really ponder my situation and where my life did not go as planned. I had to focus on parts of me that I just absolutely hated. As long as someone else was there, I could pay attention to them and not me. As strange as it would seem, I kept myself sick and hating myself cuz I knew that if I took steps towards health, the relationship would end and I would be alone. I failed to take into account I would be happier and more Okay with that if I did progress in that direction. I failed to take into account that if I had higher self-esteem, I might choose better partners in the future. I failed to realize that needy attracts needy and troubled attracts troubled.
Fear of being by myself is still my #1 fear. I hate focusing on me and the jumble of thoughts in my head is still uncomfortable and it does feel like my own "crazy town." On the flip side, I'm glad for all the progress I have made.
I did see my ex for the first time in 3 years last Sunday. He was all torn up over his 5th or 6th break up with his crack addicted boyfriend. He was drinking and smoking but I didn't much care cuz it's second nature for me to be sober and he wasn't wasted (I would have left if he was). I suggested alanon to him again, as it seems his issues in that area are even worse than his own drinking. Either way, I am detached and told him I just want him to be happy. It saddens me a bit that I know there is another way of life for him but he is also deeply scared of being alone, has self-esteem issues and it would be hard for him to take the same steps I did. Oh well, he'll be just fine.
I do have to say that the fact that he is carrying on with another addict even further validates the pattern we were involved in...with both of us being sick, but me being the sloppier more emotional trainwreck type drunk. So...he was all sad and unsure if he could make it on his own. He is now living in his own apartment for the first time in decades. I was sad and happy for him at the same time. Happy cuz it's a good step for him to not be living with sponging roommates who also drink and use all the time, but sad cuz he is in a similar place to where I was when I left him and started living on my own.
I guess what it boils down to is that it is easy for me to live with someone else, but hard for me to live with myself. Slowly getting better. Slowly I am more able to be at peace with myself, but I definitely have not "arrived." Anyone identify with that?
I can relate totally to fighting being alone. I have been alone for over a year, but at times thought I was ready to date, (so went looking for the needy type again), atleast no active stuff going on and the guy was attentive too much so. Seriously I ended up being stocked and I had to call the police. It was a fast and furious relationship that ended quickly and taught me a lot about myself. I am still sick and looking at sickness to date, so I am not ready and I will continue working on me. That was a year ago and I have managed to stay single and fight any ideas or men trying to date me, because I am still going through my steps and am unsure of myself dating as of yet, so I won't.
I am enjoying life and have found healthy things to occupy myself with. My sponsor keeps telling me I work a diligent program and have come a long way. I do believe her and continue to work on myself and move forward. I have been debating on moving and a part of that is to get into a bigger city for better job options, but also better dating options when I am finally ready. It's always in the back of my mind, just as long as I am aware and not reacting on it I feel as though I am striving ahead. My 13 year old used to want to move also, but now she decided she would like to finish her next 4 years of high school here. So it may be a good thing to stay and not focus on dating. I am open to whatever the future holds and living in the right now. My 13 year old is holding straight A's and plays guitar and sings with a Church band and plays soccer and basketball, so while she is finally blooming I dare not make any more major changes, she is my oldest and been through the ringer with both of her parents. I moved my kids 5 times since leaving my ex 2 years ago and 1 of those moves was back with him for a month. This last year I have stayed in the same place and seen us all growing, so I will carry on what we are doing, because it is indeed working.
I live in a small town and there really is no one worthwhile to date and it is an actual island and so there is a water barrier that keeps us isolated. It's probably a good thing, but sometimes it makes things more difficult, like being able to drive to another meeting and getting back home. We are more of an age 60 and over town, which is hard when you are younger and have kids. It has great benefits living in a small tight knit community also.
I am glad I have been through what I have and I have great awareness and tools and am really facing myself without all the distractions and it has paid off. I am glad you are doing the same. It sounds like you work a great program and looking back is fine as long as you don't stare for too long. Keep up the great work!!! I am sending you love and support on your journey!
-- Edited by Breakingfree on Wednesday 9th of November 2011 10:44:52 AM
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I have battled these same issues/fears for most of my "adult" life (I'm 31 yrs old). Some of the struggle was that I've almost always known WHAT the issues were, and that they existed. It compounded my guilt and shame.
Now, I feel that I love my AH, and I THINK I want to be with him in my heart. However, sometimes almost daily I feel I don't want to be - the relationship, and he, sucks me dry. However, I don't have confidence in myself enough to be on my own. I did once, I worked so hard on my issues that I spent some years actually being healthy. I threw all of that away in order to enter this relationship. Now he is newly in recovery, and a bear to live with at times. I second guess myself, feeling like I should be grateful, not frustrated and angry. The constant moods, criticisms, undermining my thoughts and feelings, emotional unavailability, mean-spiritedness, and blame... mixed with good qualities, all leave me feeling confused.
How will I know if I have worked through the fear of being alone and being with myself if I stay?
Thanks again for your post. You are courageous! I wish you the best!
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"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
yes, this is more painful growth in the process. I too would love to look at them and point out what was wrong in their lives, what was lacking - and the habit to do that is what keeps me sick, stuck and not actively empowering myself-- if I sit and stare to avoid me, I am comparing and judging others and me simultaneously.
It only hurts and scares us to be alone is bc somewhere along the way we believed we did not deserve any better, we bought into focusing on others instead of ourselves- the only one we can change and control. It only hurts us bc we believe we dont deserve our own best love, our own best attention, our own respect and dignity.
My sponsor/mentor said to me: give them the dignity and respect to sort out their own lives. My initial response to that at that time, was: they do not deserve dignity or respect. The truth was I did not deserve it bc I was not offering it to myself.
Ive learned time and time again in our spiritual program that if we want something we must give it to us first. If I want to be dignified, I must exercise my OWN dignity and respect - and I sure dont get it tossing me aside to focus on other "losers" who are choosing to reject themselves.
We feel abandonment bc we abandon ourselves every moment of the day - and the second we risk loving us as the soul light-love we are- the moment we say self, I accpt you as the perfectly imperfect creature as you are right now in this very moment is the first step we take to loving ourselves compassionately as god already loves and forgives us infinitely and exponentially.
Take action that allows you to experience your own self respect and dignity- stop judging thier choices and begin to perceive that life is merely a consequence of our choices - it is not a judgment. When we choose to take an action for us, that empowers us, sure at first it is scary but the truth is YOU always have YOU and the HP inside, you are never alone.
I at 39, had to learn to be my own best friend, my own spiritual and health care advocate and acceot that I am never alone bc I do always have me and the god of my own understanding. I did not know how to love me, I prayed for guidance and direction about it, I begged god to show me the how to.
I was also told to do the opposite of what I would have done in the past, so if abandonning my awkward feelings was the norm and it was, I embraced the feeling, acknowledged it, let me feel it through to the end of the emotional wave and taking no action or reaction but to just feel this feeling - I found it quicky subsided if I breathed thru the feeling and did not automatically react but instead sit, feel, breathe - within 5-10 minutes the feeling is released bc I felt it through -- think about it like this: emotion is energy in motion and when we feel it to the end the wave subsides and the energy is released. Then you may see other choices you nefer knew you had bc you always got up and started slamming doors, pacing around hard, venting and getting worked up- well that was how I used to be, emotionally.
Dont be so hard on yourself about what you are not, be kind and gentle and when you get awareness about yourself, know that it takes awareness and the acceptance of it before we can begin to change it. Embrace where you are, then and only then can you change or release what no longer serves & supports you.
If we didnt make mistakes we could not learn a thing. Today I relish my mistakes bc it is all growth and we learn one way we do not choose to be anymore and it is just that simple, one day and one conscious choice at a time.
I am happy your ex is where you were, bc it is the beginning of the rest of his entire life ~ just as you are in that place now - this moment is the beginning of the rest of our whole entire lives and right now this moment is all we really have and it is all that truly matters.
What really helped me was understadning if I focus on them, then I am doing the same thing the A's do- tossing me away for something else -for them it is chasing their high, for us it is perpetuating our powerlessness by avoiding ourseves and our own codependent issues. It does get better, keep coming back and working it for you.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
have you been single for long? ive been single for 16 yrs now....well maybe less. but i have had my son- hence why ive not dated etc etc. i can assure you--- it totally does get easier Mark. so much so that its harder to be with someone- after you are used to being yur own person- taking charge of the remote...be careful what you wish for- once you get settled- youll be a confirmed batchelor! ha ha
i know about the crazy town....my own crazy town, is "your useless- what a flake......never does anything right...." blah blah. but all im doing is undermining my confidence and i might then slip further down...but its hard I agree. quite tough in fact.
you should be happy to be with yourself- you are very intelligent- clever guy,,,plenty going for ya! Im very happy to know you.
I always enjoy your thought-provoking post and sense that you are truly a remarkable young man with many, many gifts/talents.
Your post reminded me of 2 of many books that I have studied to help me to entertain that thought that I'm a worthy person and all that. Have you ever seen the books The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle and The Four Agreements by .... author's name slipped my mind....
Anyway, these two books kinda go beyond what Al-Anon teaches, or at least that is how I percieve them. They really helped me change my thinking, along with Al-Anon meetings.
-- Edited by GailMichelle on Wednesday 9th of November 2011 12:12:00 PM
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Rosie, I have a current boyfriend I am with now and the relationship is a lot healthier. We have been dating for a bit over a year and maintain our separate houses but spend a lot of time together. He is on a cruise right now with his mother. In the past I would be all miserable about my partner being away and I wouldn't know what to do with myself if not getting drunk or just crying and being miserable. So...this is new. I encouraged him to go spend time with his mom. I am taking care of all the animals (3 dogs, 1 bird, and my cat) while he is gone along with working and going to meetings. One of the dogs has diabetes and glaucoma so she needs shots and eye drops multiple times a day.
Anyhow, in the 3 years I have been broken up from my ex, I have dated a lot, had many flings, been a total ho at times.... It's been interesting lol. I get that I have some sort of spiritual gap in me that I have always tried to fill up with other people, substances, sex...whatever. I also get that I am healthiest and make the best choices when I expand my HP to fill that gap rather than all those other things.
My current boyfriend hardly drinks at all. It's the healthiest relationship I have had with another person in my life yet but of course I bring my baggage with me and so does he. He trends towards the enabling side a bit but the assets that go with that are that he is super loving, affectionate, spiritual... I just have to be very aware not to take advantage of that streak of enabling cuz that will make me very sick again and I don't want to go back there. The biggest source of conflict we have had is over how he relates to HIS ex who was living with him when we started dating (even though they have been broken up for 5 years). I perceived that the Ex was using him, taking advantage of him, and was a horrible nasty person. I still believe this to be true though I have constantly had to keep myself in check and let my boyfriend make his own choices on how to deal with the Ex (instead of allowing myself to get furious that he still pays for his car, health insurance, phone...and believes the ex can't take care of himself cuz he doesn't have citizenship yet and his visa restricts his working).
So, for the last year...there have been great moments with a wonderful caring partner, but I have also handed my serenity over on a platter trying to control him, the ex, and judging the hell out of those particular set of choices he makes. The ex finally moved out after we had a screaming fight with each other. I wrote about this all on the AA board. My choices have been much better in many ways, but I am fully aware I still cling to relationships and try and control others and am pretty judgmental also! YAY ME! I say all this light-heartedly cuz I used to beat myself up way worse for all my faults. I hated myself so much. I guess I am more okay with who I am today and just knowing I am better than I was before.
Thanks for the share!! I can so relate to what you were talking about being afraid to be alone for fear of having to deal with all of the residual crap. A bad relationship is after all better than NO relationship (NOT!). :) It scares me because I wonder if I'm setting the same example for my daughter especially. I'm probably pushing her the other way and I hope she can find her own middle of what a healthy relationship is and how what she's seen happen is not normal nor should it be taken that way.
I was listening to a podcast on iTunes last night and something the gal said had me howling with laughter was after her first husband she became addicted to "mood altering" men. If she couldn't get her mood altered she was ready to move on. She described it as looking for a way to fill the hole she had inside herself. She was a hoot and a holler. There something else she said to that really struck me was that she also liked "exciting misery". Which her life she got lots of exciting misery when her first husband ran off with 66k$. That was back in the day when that kind of money would be like 500k or something along that lines. Those two things for me could probably sum up ohh about 99.9% of my relationships that were significant others. Although in all fairness I think I did pick a really nice guy I just didn't know what to do with a really nice guy, .. after all he was BORING and there was no exciting misery after all.
Thanks again, I enjoy your posts as well.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
It's interesting to read these posts because I have spent more of my life single than as part of a couple. I really liked living alone. But when I met my Q (qualifier) we had so much in common, he was very easygoing, and I was able to be with him for long periods of time without getting antsy like I do with many people. I loved living with him. I loved sleeping with him and waking up with him. Knowing we were going to spend our lives together used to fill me with happiness. I remember telling him once that one of the things I loved about him was that he was so steady, even tempered, not at all moody. But that was then and boy, things have sure changed. Now I feel like I'm almost living alone again as we now have our own rooms and he is ¨unavailable¨ (emotionally and physically) so much of the time. But that beats having to deal with the depression, anger, raving, etc. Mark, I'm glad that you are beginning to be at peace with yourself. As far as not ¨having arrived¨ I can relate to that. But I believe the journey is as important as the destination.
Mark I have been toying with a similar idea for the past couple of days but was unsure how to articulate it in a post. I was thinking... what has love got to do with it???
Do we really Love our addicts in our lives or are do we have a feeling that we think is love because it is a feeling that is far more palatable than being alone and scared of the future?
Linda, I think love can slowly turn into staying out of fear of being alone and scared of the future. Of course with a concept as broad as love it is hard to say how much there is of one versus the other. By the time my grandfather died, he was so enmeshed with my grandmother, he couldn't even make himself a sandwich. When he started to get dementia, he literally started calling her mommy. Yet I know they profoundly loved each other. What was more shocking was that once he did pass away, it was my grandmother that couldn't stand to be alone for even 1 minute. She had to have someone by her constantly. But...that was what I would consider a 60 year successful marriage regardless.
Linda, for me that very question was answered when I suddenly realized that I was doing the same thing that the addicts/alcoholics were doing: I was sacrificing my own needs (emotionally, physically and basic well being) for that of another who was sacrificng their own needs & peace of mind for a high.
They sacrifice their lives for their chase of high, we sacrifice us for the chase of them.
Love starts with YOU in being able to respect yourself for the choices you make and dont make on a daily basis. I was told to give them respect and dignity and found I did not have it myself.
What really helped me, esp regarding the relationship with my mother bc of course, we judge each other based on if we approve of each other's choices- this is not love. We do not have to validate and approve of each other to support and love each other.
This change occured in me after about a year of not asking my mother questions about her relationships. Adults will share with you what they want you to know, we do not need to pry or ask questions. It is also good practice to volunteer positive stories about you that you wish to share with others and not telling them things that are negative or troubling. Our family and friends are not our therapists yet we often tell them TMI and bring them into our woes and then get mad that they have no boundaries when we are the ones answering the questions that tell them just that.
I had a lot to learn in alanon, and just bc a question is demanded or asked of us- we do not have to answer it. If I dont want to answer a question, I change the subject, asnwer with a question or merely say, I do not wish to speak of that right now.
My bf now is a codependent like me and two codies together can be even worse then a codie and an A. We compete to be the bigger martyr and both are a simultaneous victim. Luckily, I have strong program and work it daily as if my life depends on it bc it does.
Once I accepted me where I was, embraced it and resolved myself to it loving me the way I thought god does (with forgiveness and compassionate understanding) it was easy to accept others where they are and not want to rush to fix them bc it leaves me feeding the disease.
You may like the book: Addiction to Love: Overcoming Obsession & Dependency in Relationships by Susan Peabody ppbk. I got a ton out of it and was able to address my "hopeless romantic" side ;) and understand what and why I was doing what I was doing.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
It is only recently that I admitted to myself that I have a fear of being alone. Well, more "relationshipless" than "alone" per se, since I am strongly introverted by nature and quite enjoy my own company. Knowing that, I always vehemently denied that I got into unhealthy relationship after unhealthy relationship because of that fear -- I genuinely thought, "Who, me? I'm an independent woman who needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle, I'm not afraid to be without one!" Yeah, right.
Even worse, I didn't even choose my partners, I just took whoever liked me at the time. Probably figuring, from the depths of my low self-esteem, that this guy was my last chance at grabbing the Brass Ring so I'd better take what I could get, beggars can't be choosers and all that. Ack! Then I bent over backwards to get him to like/love me more until I started losing myself (but, after all, my self wasn't "lovable" so why not pretzel myself into what some man wanted? or so I thought) and then started resenting him for all the changing I had done and the doormat I had become.
Still in the back of my mind is a nagging shadow of a belief that being half of a couple (even if I'm more miserable than happy) is like some sort of Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval on my acceptability as a human being. It's tough to shake entirely.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
I think many people who are with addicts fear being alone. By the time I left the ex A I was homeless, penniless and pretty ill. He had nothing but a truck to sleep in. The choice to be with him and die was not a very attractive one.
I don' t work anyone's program for them but I don't really think the steps are for when you are using. When someone is using alcohol and drugs their thinking is off so of course they have trouble working the steps. That's why it is a good idea to have a period of sobriety and some support before doing them.
I also think its pretty normal to go on some kind of a judgment comparison ratio when dealing with an Ex. For me it was essential I limited all contact with the ex A. When I left him I remained in contact for a year. He could reel me in anytime and I ended up enabling him, paying all his bills for quite a time. During that time I did manage to unentangle myself but if I were not on this Board I don't doubt I would still be there hearing all his catastrophes.
Many of us face abandonment issues and they are indeed very very painful. The good news is that there is another side to them. When faced abandonment does not destroy you. For me going through fear of being alone, feeling abandoned and isolated actually led me to being more self reliant. Paradoxically I am actually far more vulnerable with certain people than I ever was complaining about a relationship and going through all that was wrong with someone else.
There is good news in a future regardless of what your ex does. There is a possiblity to recover, rejoice and reflect rather than be in pain. For me the pain was incredible letting go but I did let go and I have moved on.
I don't have the house with the white picket fence. I am not provided for. I have managed to move through a lot of obstacles though and I have a greater confidence in my ability to provide for myself, spiritually, emotionally and financially than I ever had before.
Then I bent over backwards to get him to like/love me more until I started losing myself (but, after all, my self wasn't "lovable" so why not pretzel myself into what some man wanted? or so I thought) and then started resenting him for all the changing I had done and the doormat I had become.