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We had an interesting discussion at my meeting last night about what attracted us to our qualifiers. It got me thinking about my past. I met my wife when I was 34--old enough to have gone through a decade plus of horrible relationships that just caused pain and misery for everyone involved. When I met my wife, I knew she was different than the other girls I had been involved with. She was needy like they all were, but what was different was she was kind and loving and giving. The other woman I had been involved with wouldn't give you the time of day.
I grew up with out of control alcoholic parents. I saw them get falling down drunk on a regular basis. On a good night, they were "just drunk", but were able to get to bed on their own. On a bad night? Well, I don't like to think about those times. I never, ever, never would have thought I would have married an alcoholic. That would have been simply the dumbest, most illogical thing I could do. If someone had told me 20 years ago that I'd be in this situation I would say that is just not possible.
There were no signs of alcoholism in my wife when I met her. We drank casually together and I don't recall ever really seeing her drunk while we dated. We met in a bar; I proposed at a winery. So it's not like I picked the first alcoholic I could find to marry. But in looking back on things, I can see the signs were there. Not the signs related to drinking, but the behavior and attitudes that come with an alcoholic.
But it hit me last night in my meeting that this has played out in a way that just makes so much sense it is almost spooky. I never dealt with the issues related to growing up with alcoholic parents. I have so many unresolved feelings and emotions related to it. And in reflecting on things, I realize that I was attracted to my wife because of this. I love her for many reasons, but I simply can't deny that her appeal to me is partly (mostly?) because this is what I am used to. As someone said in my meeting last night, "sick attracts sick". I am sick from my past and my unresolved issues.
My wife is exactly who I wanted and needed her to be. For all the discomfort and frustration I have experienced over the last 2 years; for all of the times I have said to myself "I just wish she were different"; for all of the times I have wondered about this huge mistake I have made--I know realize that she is exactly who I wanted her to be. She is "perfect" for me, both in good ways and bad.
Realizing this last night really shook me up and really put the focus on me. I was in tears in the car coming home because it just all made sense to me. The question now is, where do we go from here? Thanks for letting me share...
What a beautiful post. It was such a gift from my HP when I realized that my spouse was a gift to me, not a horrifying enemy. At that moment it seemed like I had a clean slate to rekindle our relationship from which I was responsible for my attitudes, actions, and inner being. Let it Begin With Me and Expect a Miracle are my favorite slogans.
That's insightful. Of course Freud hit on this in a primative way with his Oedipal Complex theories. There is a whole newer school of counseling called Imago relationship therapy which is also based on the premise that we seek out relationships similar to our parental ones but the unconscious drive is to get the job finished that our parents didn't do. Hence, you find someone like your mom (or dad) but you keep trying to get them to provide the love or the nurturance that you did not get from your parents. I guess the goal (what to do in order to get better) is to love yourself as completely and fully as possible. That way you are free to choose your wife and you don't "need" her. You are free and she is free. You can choose to love each other or you will have outgrown each other. The hard part is to keep challenging yourself to grow knowing that a possible outcome is that you will outgrow the relationship.
I'm trying to remember this, that my AH is exactly who I need him to be, both good and bad. I know for a fact that I'm right where I'm supposed to be, no matter how difficult, frustrating or complicated it may be.
Interesting post, to be sure, and it makes me wonder (yet again) - I wonder what was up with me, and my choices?? I was fortunate enough to grow up in a family with no addictions (and literally no dysfunction), and yet I made a similar choice, at a similar age, of my spouse.... I used to drive myself nuts trying to figure out "why", and/or if there was a reason why I chose her..... In the end, I never really figured it out, and accepted my sponsor's guidance to start focussing on the whats, and leave the whys alone....
I'm pleased for you that you have found some answers....
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I guess the hardest thing for me last night was the realization that this current situation is "my fault". Now, that's a tricky phrase and I don't necessarily look at it like that--I didn't cause my wife to drink. But what I mean is, for the first time last night I realized that the pain of the last 2 years is really directly tied to my unresolved issues from my youth and growing up with alcoholic parents. I guess I never really connected the dots until last night and when I did, it was really hard and painful. But as Tom said, best to focus on the whats and leave the whys alone.
It's ultimately a really healthy and incredibly necessary step, I think. It helps me to acknowledge my part in things, which is something I've always struggled with. But right now, it has me feeling really down.
I have had this same realization and have found it both liberating and horrifying. The saying "My choices, my results" really hit home to me. It wasn't something done to me by outside forces -- I said "Yes" to all of it. Well, I was saying No, but my actions were saying Yes.
I think in my case it was made up of two things. One was that I really never understood that relationships could be healthier -- or that to have them you have to choose healthier people. The dysfunction felt so familiar to me that I thought that was what was out there. It was all dysfunction, and then somehow you made the best of it and made it work. The alarm bells didn't go off in my head, because it all felt so familiar. I myself didn't have any drinking in my family growing up, but the rest of the dynamics were exactly the same.
The second thing is that I see that I had the impulse to "win this time." Like, I'd pick someone just like my parents, but this time around I'd make him see that he ought to be more honest, straightforward, caring, functional, and so on. Like a second chance to turn my parents into what I wanted. The craving to do this was so strong that it could erase almost any reality (for a while). I still feel this craving -- "If only I said the right thing, he'd just understand and then..." I have to talk myself down -- "Has that really ever worked? Isn't this just me trying to remake my parents?"
I have a hard time not blaming myself -- "If only I had seen this sooner..." Still wrestling with that one.
It also sounds like elements of a 4th step. I am not sure if you are formally doing these steps but what is supposed to come next is spelled out right there for you :) Talk to your sponsor about it, talk to other (like you just did here (step 5)...then you work on putting change into action (steps 6 and 7). Just wanted to state that cuz I'm pretty quick to point out Mark's plan or some school of therapy when there is a more obvious and better solution literally written on the wall and that draws us all here already. The 12 steps.
Mark
-- Edited by pinkchip on Wednesday 9th of November 2011 12:41:45 PM
Funny that we can look at the same thing differently... you say "It is my fault" I say.... "It is my fathers fault" If it werent for his disease, and bringing children into it (me), I wouldnt have unconsciously chose a life like I have had. I seem to externalise and you internalise.
I like to say it is not important whose fault it is :When it comes down to it IT IS MY LIFE and MY RESPONSIBILITY to Take the Action to Heal"
When I discovered MY PART in the pain I had been living in I was extremely grateful to alanon for being there to provide the tools I needed to recover from my self sabotaging behavior. It was painful to own this part of my being, but oh so essential.
Alanon made sense !!!! If I was responsible for the PAIN I was living in (my reactions ) then I had the power to learn new tools and grow in courage, serenity and wisdomn and let go of the pain.
The pain lifted, upon working all the steps. I allowed myself to be human and trust this process.
Linda, for me, the point when I say this is "my fault" is not to wallow in it or whatever, it's more to just acknowledge that I chose this situation and as Mattie said "my choices, my results". The key benefit of acknowledging this is that it allows me to finally see my role in this. My wife wasn't placed in my life without my full knowledge and consent and approval. I chose her, and I knew the issues. I didn't know it would lead to this, of course, but the point is that this gives me the chance to stop putting all of the blame and the focus on her and to recognize my role and acknowledge my illness. There's no chance of getting better until I do that, I don't think. As Betty says, it's essential.
As I said, she's EXACTLY what I expected and needed her to be. I dated a lot of women before my wife but she was the one who I chose to marry. Did I go into it saying "oh yes, she's going to be an alcoholic someday so she is the one!". Of course not, but I think that our subconscious is far more powerful than we think. And I also know as with all things, my higher power had something to do with this. As much as a mess as this has been, it gives me the opportunity to deal with those issues from my childhood. I NEVER would have done that without this situation. Never. It's hard to see it like this, don't get me wrong, but this is a gift.
That's the great thing about healing is knowing when it's time to forgive others most importantly when it's time to forgive ourselves for the choices we have made in the past that directly relate to our own feelings of self worth. Yes, it's a little humbling and sometimes that doesn't feel to good right at first, it's ok though, .. we just do the best we can with the tools we have at the time consciously or subconsciously it doesn't matter. Now we know better and can act according to the now and not the past.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
This is a great post; it reminds me of a quote I once read "Everything is exactly as it should be, even when we think it isnt." It's useful to remember that at times of self-doubt. Wishing you continued support.
