The material presented
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Trying soo hard to sleep but the fact that my Abf is nodding out next to me high on heroin wont get out of my head... As he noddes out next to me in bed with a lit cigarette in his hand falling on top of him i cant help but want to smack him in the back of the head and tell him " wake up dumb@$$ you are burning yourself"... Sigh* but i dont. I used to stay awake and wait for the lit cig to drop and i would pick it up and put it out.. Now i sit here and find myself waiting for it to drop on his chest and burn him... Thats horrible.. No i dont want him hurt. He wakes up startled and picks up the cig quickly lookin at me to see if i saw what happened... I always see.. Sometimes i just say " good one"... His blankets are filled with burn wholes. When he went to treatment last year and was sober we threw all the old ones out and i bought him new ones with no wholes... Now these new ones look the same as the old... I know what u are thinking. And i used to worry about him burning the house down all the time.. I still worry but not as much..
Also yes this is the same person that went to his AA meetings last week.. No big surprise really. I knew it was coming. He was calling his dealer 5 times a day until he got ahold of him. It was 19 degrees here this morning and him with no sleep finally got ahold of his dealer at 7am. He decides to ride his bike to a friends house to " play video games"... All the way across town in 19 degree weather... I did tell him a couple days ago that i knew he wasnt feelin well but that he was doing good.
I did set a boundry a week ago. I told him that if he choses to spend all his money on dope and cant pay his part of the bills then he needs to find a different place to stay.. He agreed and it wasnt a fight or a bad thing. I just told him that i cant afford to take care of all of us because he chooses to spend his money on drugs. He agreed. But then again he told me last month that he just had to go to the bank and he would get the rest.. I suppose i knew it wasnt coming. So this month he is to pay his part of the bills plus what he owes me from last month or find somewhere else to go.. I dont think this is me controling. This is me being fare to myself and not enabling. To tell you the truth... Im preparing myself for him to not pay. I will be very shocked if he does.. As he is high tonight and was broke, now im sure he owes dealers more money.... His life NOT MINE... His choice NOT MINE... I hope i can stay strong and not give in if he choses to spend all the bill money.. And just to be clear.. His bills are not even close to half of what he gets paid.. But yet he spends 1100 bucks in 2 days on dope... Then is broke for the rest of the month and expects me to borrow him money.. This month he has asked about 5 different times to borrow money and ive said no!! Of course i get the why?? Im very honest and i tell him he owes me too much already and he hasnt paid me back so NO... Ok im done venting for now... Now to try and sleep..
My A moved out when he was clean. He had never lived alone, and we both felt like it would be the best route for our recoveries. Now that he's drinking again, and probably drugging, I am thankful for thus decision. Not because I don't worry about him or miss him. But because I spent too many nights watching him drink untold shots of whiskey, a case of beer, snort two grams of coke, then take a handful of sleeping meds. Id lay awake beside him all night just watching him breathe. Being able to sleep in peace and having a serene home to come home to has been more of a blessing for my own wellbeing than I ever would have imagined.
The sleep thing is hard. Can you take supplements? I've started taking melatonin on nights I can't sleep and for me it works wonders. I got it as a suggestion on the boards when I was struggling to sleep. I also say the serenity prayer followed by the Lord's Prayer especially if I don't know what I'm praying for I just do it because my HP knows what I want and need and He knows the outcome so I just have to trust.
It sounds like you have a lot on your mind for good reason. Bills gotta be paid, gotta eat and gotta have a place to live. You've got a good boundary and no you aren't trying to control him he has basic responsibilities that affect you. One of my boundary's is that my AH takes care of his DUI stuff it's really more for me than for him. I want to pick up those reigns and I have to remind myself that they aren't mine to pick up. 3 C's, didn't cause, can't control and won't cure. I feel less resentment because I"m not staring at the next bill down the pipe and he is fully aware that there is a reason and he wears it and pays for it why he's working so much at the moment.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
kris- heroin users get addicted- without exception- and very soon every penny goes on the stuff. bills become unpaid and then they start borrowing- stealing or begging for money- addicts will take from their own kids bank accounts when they are ill and need it. there are no exceptions.....before long they begin to inject the stuff, only very few stay smoking it- about 95% go on to inject it- and with that comes a whole load of other risks- to themselves and to the people living with them. They can catch aids- and most of them catch Hep c. They all share needles....despite the free needles program- sharing spoons and needles is prevalent. heroin addictions is the worst or the worst- it doesnt just damage your life- it decimates it- its only a matter of time. its only fair you should know the facts and to be awake to them , I know about this because i lived with it and was one.
Pushka- I for some reason wont take sleeping pills... Or any other new medication I haven't had... It's an anxiety thing... I even bought some tylenol PM and can't get myself to take it... Thanks for reminding me that it is a very BASIC responsibility... If I didn't pay my rent I would have to find a new place also... I'm sure somehow if he doesn't have to money he will make me feel bad about this or that I'm being unfair.... I know I'm not...
Rosielee- He has been shooting the stuff for over a decade... Before I knew him... Stealing and pawning things and yada yada... I know all too well... But I guess not well enough since I'm still here right.....
Holpefully I can get some sleep while the little one goes to school because right now I'm at the point where I'm annoyed even my my cute little kittys meow....
Is he on disability Kris? Just curious. It is good that you are handing his disease back to him where it belongs as much as you are able.
Heroin addiction is crazy...I have only met a handful of people who were able to go through detox and get sober without the whole detox/rehab combo. He will probably need to go again, but that is also HIS PROBLEM as you stated.
I also hear you waver back and forth from really loving him so much to having so much resentment and disdain for him. Having that entire spectrum of emotions towards someone has got to be draining...
It is very hard to set boundries with A's bc even if you do stick to your guns and do not waiver - they do not believe we will change bc in the past we let them get away with so much. I try to say as little as possible, I go back to the boundary and keep repeatting it. They expet us to give in and excuse this time just bc and do what they want.
In my experience dis-entangling your life from an A's is very very hard to do, they do not get that you are mad or done with them until you are pushing them out of the door and even then - they do not believe us bc of us enabling them in the past.
I say, accept him for what he is, expect to get no help whatsoever and discover how to take care of YOUrself because the A's dont care about our needs - they are consumed with their disease, period. Boundaries only work when they are for us, around our own behavior - so figure out what you can do to change and control YOUr life bc if you dont stand up for YOU, no one else ever will.
I really hope you stick it out in alanon bc the miracles are worth it and your life can be so much more than trying to please people who are un-pleasable bc they loathe themselves, hate their lives and choose not to take self responsibility and self accountability. Remember its all our faults and we are the reason they use! So, dont buy into it, work your program for you and know you do have more choices than you may realize now. Keep coming back, it will get better.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Hi! I said a prayer for you and your family. Some time I do find it hard to believe I am exactly where I'm supposed to be in my life, I think about that when I read some of the posts. God bless you and your family. With love...Ruby!
Melatonin isn't a sleeping pill it's a supplement, I wouldn't say take it if you are taking anything else and I agree I don't take pills either. It's one of those deals you take it before bed and hit the hay there is no grogginess or hazy affects at least I haven't found any. You get it in the vitamin aisle. I understand being wary about the pills.
Hugs p :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Pinkchip- yes he is on disability...In which I'm glad you asked because sometimes I forget that he does have a disability that I have to take into consideration... NOT saying that excuses anything... I just have to take it to condsideration with him.. Like today.. He just now wakes up... And I see him being really down on himself... Isolating to the point where when I ask him what's wrong he covers his head with the blanket... He has attachment disorder... And with very good reason. Horrible horrible things have happened to this guy in his past and he only finally got away from them last year when he went to treatment and then came to live with me getting away from his "mother".. (a sick sick women)... Although now is usually when I tell him everything is ok... Today I think I will keep quiet.. Everything is NOT ok... I'm not going to pick up the pieces anymore...
Ruby- I don't even know what to say! THANK YOU!!! For someone that doesn't even know me to pray for me and my family...gosh I've never experienced something so nice!!! Thanks!!
Off to get the kiddo from school!!!! He's always excited to tell me everything he learned that day!!! What a joy I have!!
kris10 (((HUGS))) Each day is a new day, I try to remain teachable and humbled. This disease is awful to see. I know it is. I have seen some of the same things as you. My loved one still has clothes with holes in them. Blankets with black stains. But he also now has sobriety and is working towards getting better. He began getting sober when I surrendered to the first 3 steps. Now I am working on step 4 with my sponsor and really using the let go and let God slogan alot. Things can get better. I found that concentrating on me, and writing out all my pains and sufferings really helped them not be so big and bad. I am glad you are posting here, your voice is what I need to remind me of what it was like, and you help me just by being here! You are in my prayers!!! Take care of you :)
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
thanks You foundme!! You always remind me as well, that it can get better...I've seen it and I see it in him everyday... I see him try and want to, then ultimately lose only to feel down on himself the next few days... This is something only he can figure out...
Pinkchip- I think last night was me writing here in the heat of my madness.. (In order to keep the peace at home) So yes I do love him and then at the same time when things get bad, I do have alot of resentment... That can come on at the drop of a dime...
LIKE RIGHT NOW... now I get a phone call from a number whom I don't know and it is a guy asking for my bf.. I tell him he is sleeping and he says "will you have him call THIS NUMBER back when he wakes up." I know how this goes... If it were any other "normal" friend that doesn't have anything to do with drugs they would have said "have him call ________ (insert NAME).. But no it's just call "this number back" So now I get the thoughts running threw my head that say what should I do... Should I delete the call and not tell him all together??? But I suppose that is me trying to control the situation and not "live and let live"... then again maybe it was just a friend and I'm over reacting and yada yada.... HIS LIFE NOT MINE... I will tell him...
It is so hard to detach with love from their choices but this is what we must do, allow them the dignity and respect to make their own decisions and deal with the consequences of those choices. I was so eotionally enmeshed with my family and subsequent friends and boyfriends. Boundaries and learning to love and respect myself first was what saved me and it was done with this program and surrendering it to HP/god.
It took me an entire year before I could focus on me and not other's iives, choices, issues, feelings et cetera. Please keep coming back, discovering who you are and sharing that with us, as we share our journey with you. I'm glad you are here and found the alanon felowship and MIP.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
To my suprise the call was just a friend wanting to skateboard... My A is an AMAZING skateboarder and sad but I'm sure if he wasn't and addict he could have went pro with his skating years ago... So the call was a younger boy that he kind of mentors in skateboarding.. All the younger kids look up to him in that aspect (not knowing he's an addict).. He is always very good with them.. So that is where I realize I was just jumping to conclusions and that is because I AM sick...
He then was on his way out to go skating when he asked me to "borrow" him 5$ to each... I just nicely said "we have a ton of food in the fridge".... Don't get me wrong I could have borrowed him the little 5$ BUT when this man already owes me over 7 hundred at this time... Over time 5 dollars every few days adds up.. So, he said "nevermind" in a way to make me feel bad that he was going to starve or something and left....IT IS NOT my fault HE CHOSE to leave without eating... IT IS NOT my fault HE CHOSE to spend all his money on drugs and now is broke... I refuse to feel bad for someone that could choose better... So, while he is "starving" today I'm sure because he chose to not eat before he left, I'm sure he is pissed that I wouldn't just give him the 5 dollars... I'm sure it's all my fault... But he will come home tonight and eat what we have here and MAYBE realize he could have just took 5 or 10 minutes out of his day to eat before he left....
