The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am struggling lately in the process of separating from my AH. He already lives outside the home, but given his recent drinking binge and random lies (I believe he is a pathological liar), I just do not want to be married to him anymore. I deserve a better life, and alone is better right now. I am SO enjoying the freedom from his toxic pressense in my house every day. But we have 2 small kids and it is so sad for me to think about breaking up the family.
In his mind however, he truly thinks he is getting better--I suppose from his perspective, he is. He constantly says "progress and not perfection" at me and he does go to AA and counseling. But he is in shcok that I would want a divorce at this point--now that he is 'getting better' so to speak.
I feel largely guilty that YES I want out NOW--even though he is sick. I am struggling with it. But I do not think I love him anymore. The love has dissolved in all the pain and fear that I have been wallowing in all these years.
I am SO grateful for this program to keep guiding me every day during this critical time. I feel like everything I say and do has the weight of the world hanging on it. It has been so hard, but it would have been worse without Al-Anon.
I understand the meaning of "I pray for the knowledge if His will for me and the strength to carry it out" now more than ever.
I have to ask .... do you have a sponsor and have you worked the steps? Just asking....My sponsor asked me not to make any mega life altering decisions until I worked the program with her. My thought process changed a lot after that. At least when I was through my steps any decision I made at that point I had worked through the fear and pain and all that stuff. When I didn't have a bunch of feelings jumbled up in my head I found HIS will was very apparent and the strength to carry it out just flowed through me.
I'm sorry this is all so stressful. I do think that many of us "hit bottom" just as the alcoholics do, and we've used up the supply of second chances we have to offer. Of course everyone is different, but I've seen very few people who decided to leave too soon. Without some solid recovery under his belt, though, and with what you mention of a "recent" binge, I think you may well be wise not to hang your plans for the future on the idea that he's turned the corner for good and now all will be well. I say that having believed that a number of times before I realized I had to look at what he was doing in the long run, not how many times he declared all his problems were over.
I hope you have meetings for support too -- we can use all the support we can get! Hugs.
I am so glad you have a chance release some of the pain for which you are going through on these boards. I too know exactly how you feel as our situations are similar.
As it was suggested when I walked into alanon and got a sponsor, she suggested I refrain from making major decisions in my life for 6 months - 1 year unless there was phyiscal abuse. I am very glad I listened to her because I chose to begin working in the interim. For me I was able to take a look at my part in the relationship, or lack thereof really at that point. I could see how I contributed to the demise. Also how there was a lack of trust, equality, love and tolerance from me.
Everyone is different as to whether or not they choose to stay or go. I have chosen to stay and my relationship has turned around completely. Love, respect, laughter have all returned to my marriage. It for me takes being active in Alanon, going to meetings, sponsor others, doing service work is how I stay focused on the solution rather than being immersed in the problem.
Being happy joyous and free are not byproducts or having a loved one stop drinking. I find that it is an inside out job that begins with me in the presence or absence of alcoholism. When I keep the focus on myself, working the steps with my sponsor, attending f2f meetings, I am able to find freedom and serenity one day at a time.
Everything in life is a process and an adjustment. No one knows if you will divorce or not, just bc you are feeling the way you do right now. If the idea of divorce makes you feel terribly guilty- then I dont know if you are ready to leave bc you ought to leave when you feel confident you have tried everything possible so you can leave with dignity and self respect.
I also want to say as a child (who grew up in) a dysfunctional home- it is far better to be from a broken home than to live in one.
You owe it to yourself and your kids to be the best person you can be and to be healthy in every possible way so that your kids can emulate that.
As a ACoA and a codependent enalber I do understand your guilt about leaving someone when they are ill -- this is YOUr life and you owe yourself the best choices you can make for YOU. You cannot control, change or fix another adult, we can barely help another person bc they have to take and grasp the help for themselves- it has little to do with us. We love and support each other- we cannot be the answer or salvation for each other. That is a spiritual condition we can only arrive at with our HP/god.
Give yourself time in alanon or whatever else you use to sort out your life, your feelings, goals, wishes, wants and needs etc. I was told to give it a year before making a life altering decision. You are seperated so work on what you no longer value and manifest what you do want, to create a life you can feel respect about. Also stay in today bc right now is the only guarantee we have.
I was told if I was confused there was something about reality I was not accepting. I also discovered that if I waited to make a choice, I often would get many more choices that I initially thought I had. Take your time and be kind and gentle to YOU. Take care of YOU whatever that looks like. Glad ur here keep coming back! You are worth it!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
th thing is with a pathalogical lier...yu never know if they are telling the truth. in my experience - once a liar- always one. and these are fundamental character flaws which dont change......there are the lies that addictions drive us into and then there are the pathalogical lies....the chronic and damaging lies. the "Ill pay you back when my savings account- which doesnt even exist- releases my money"
many women have been damaged by liars- they are fed lies as they have no reason t believe that its not the truth. its a question of thinking- if that person has blown that bridge- should that bridge be blown or salvaged.
Oh do hear you! I too am facing similiar choices in my relationship and some days I am confused by the choices! Like you, I am enjoying the time on my own and in my own space. I guess we will know the right decision when it comes to us and we will get strength from that. My thoughts are with you. Be strong!
