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I have really had enough of my BF coming home drunk after saying "don't worry I'll be sober" or lying to me before i even ask. Last night the very 1st thing he said to me was "don't worry, I'm good" which was suppose to mean he wasn't drinking. With in 5 minutes of looking at him i could tell. I told him i could smell it. then he admitted to drinking a few with his dad "doubt it" But what really got me was that his tail light on the scooter was busted. I didn't say anything. we went to get something to eat and then he said he would be inside in a minute. I went in and looked out the window to see him open the scooter take the tail light pieces out and drop them behind the scooter. I said nothing last night or this morning. He sent me a text at work that said "some one busted my tail light last night" i responded "no they didn't. I seen you take the pieces out of your scooter last night. maybe you busted it" I thought he would say i was lying but instead just responded with "i think i'm going to try to glue it together" What should i make of this? I really just want to ask him why he wanted me to think someone busted it at my house. I really am at my breaking point. As soon as he leaves the house i cant hope for anything good for the rest of the day because there is a 90 percent chance he will drink. After he got his DUI I told him i would stay and help him if he got help. Should i hold him up to this and tell him he has to go if he dosen't get help? I'm thinking about just writing him a letter and telling to respond in a letter that way there is no interrupting or fighting.
-- Edited by HoofnIt on Tuesday 8th of November 2011 04:31:54 PM
Ultimatums rarley work and unless your prepared to follow thru with the concequence dont .. threats dont work tears dont work . Alcoholics lie thats a fact accept it and learn your own truth start to trust what your seeing and leave it at that. Please find meetings for yourself you need support . Louise
For me, I have learned that I don't want to be lied to, so I don't ask anymore. His drinking does not involve me unless he does it in front of me, at which point I can make the decision to stay in the room or leave. That's my option. I don't have to allow it to anger me, saddened me or otherwise upset me.
Gawd. Isn't it nuts? I remember telling my A that I knew he had been drinking. Drinking meant he had to leave. so naturally, he lied every time he drank. This went on for 3 years (2 rehabs).
I would have a bottle in my hand that I found in his truck and say "where did this come from?" and he would actually try to come up with a lie about it! In hindsight, it is almost comical. The truth would be as plain as the nose on his face...but he would deny it.
Ultimatums never worked for me, and lying, even ridiculous lies...when confronted..just ended in ME being the crazy one.
I finally got sick of the "gotcha" game and right fighting, and realized that there is no making sense with an irrational addict. An exercise in futility.
Hang in there...and stay out of crazy town! (an earlier post described how we all go to that crazy place at times --trying to make sense of nonsense)
Knowing my truth was believing what I saw and not what I was told. I stopped asking questions my AH would just straight up lie about and this was as simple as is it hot or cold outside to when he called me and asking if he got a DUI and was lied to about that. Whole weird situation he was never actually arrested, it was weird. I had no idea until about 24 - 48 hours later he dropped that bomb.
Ultimatums do not work, and in my case after one conversation he hasn't gone down the crazy conversation after that. It was what i call one of my key moments. He fully got at that point that I was no longer operating out of the same place I had been thank you God for Alanon. It saved me in ways I can't believe. I had to let go of believing I had any kind of power over alcoholism and I had to surrender the old ideas that I was going to stop him from hurting himself. I could only stop me from hurting me.
You can't rationalize with irrational people any more than you can nail jell-o to a tree .. wiggle wiggle.
No more crazy train in this house .. that station has moved. lol
Anyway, it does get better I had to take the focus off of him and put it on me and that's where things started to change.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Ultimatums don't change their behavior, sadly -- if they did, there would be no alcoholics. If you are so understandably fed up with the insanity, you could give yourself an ultimatum. If it doesn't stop, what will you do to protect yourself? That might be the kind of ultimatum to give, and the one to give it to.
I feel that if i dont confront him about it that he will just drink more. I have also heard more than once "hounding me about drinking makes me want to drink" which just completely makes no sense in my mind. I think my major fear is that some one will notice that he has been drinking. that is why i get so upset. I dont want people to know. If we lived by ourselves and didn't have to go out around any one that i know and that might notice i dont think it would bother me as much. Right now we are living with my parents because his house caught on fire and we are still looking for a place that has enough land for our horses and other assortment of critters. What about just asking him to stay sober for the day because I want to do something when i get home??? should i not do that either? He keeps begging me to help him but i just really dont understand.......
boy... I so can hear myself in what you are saying. You are saying the exact same things I said three months ago. IN fact.... I still say some of them.. not quite there yet.
You said............... i cant hope for anything good for the rest of the day because there is a 90 percent chance he will drink.
I soooo 'get' that. In all honestly though... good things can happen... AND he will drink.
The other day.. my Mum rang me, my interstate nephew got married to a beautiful woman, I saw some photos and chatted to them at thier wedding onthe phone, it was a beautiful day, I sat in my spa and read a book.. AND.. my husband smoked pot.
That day I didn't react.
The other day... I went to the shops and had a beauty treatment done... I was looking forward to a weekend doing 'something' with my husband and then going to an International food fest at the Buddhist centre... AND.. my husband smoked.
That day I reacted. I yelled, he was angry, we didn't do anything, my anxiety was up. He didn't lie but he tried to hide it and got caught out. I feel like I was right, but boy it was a horrible weekend.
You said... I feel that if i dont confront him about it that he will just drink more. I have also heard more than once "hounding me about drinking makes me want to drink"
Yes to both. It does not make sense. It doesn't matter WHAT we DO he WILL drink or use. So far... has anything you did achieved anything except him lying?????
For me, that is a No. It only achieved him lying and deceiving and sneaking and making excuses and getting angry etc etc.
You said... What about just asking him to stay sober for the day because I want to do something when i get home??? I ask you.. does he have to be sober in order for YOU do something??? I actually turned the question around one day.... What about if for one day I didn't bother if he had smoked because I want to do something when I get home??? I gave myself a day off.
As far as an ultimatum.. I kinda turned that around a bit too a few times when I can... I think to myself, "he is picking the dope over me, the dope is more important to him than I am.. why am I in this relationship etc... OUr vows were 'nothing else matters'... his dope matters more...." sometimes I think.. hey... maybe.. I am doing the same thing??? I am thinking of leaving him because of the dope. If really truly nothing else matters, then why does the dope matter. I am picking the dope as more important than him too.
NOt sure if any of that makes sense.. it is just my ramblings as they are. Take what you like and leave the rest.
You can tell him all your concerns and how much you care, but that's not going to change anything. He is going to drink until he's ready to stop and to do it for himself. If you don't say something he will drink more...but, if you do say something, he will also drink more. You are powerless over his drinking. He is saying he wants you to help him because he wants to trap you in the relationship and have you feeling guilty if you were to leave. His behavior is showing you the exact opposite. He doesn't want your help. He wants to drink and to be with you also. When you see him start going to meetings, calling a sponsor, reading the big book of AA, then you might assess that he wants to stop drinking.
my addict husband hid needles around the house I would find them and then confront him. He had marks and make up all over his arms I would confront him about that too. It didn't stop him. It just made me crazy demanding that I know the truth out of his mouth. Then I learned after some time in recovery...he is an addict and he WILL do what an active addict does. PERIOD . I had to accept that. I couldn't change it and he had to protect his addiction no matter what. But its wasn't up to me anymore to bring out the truth. I learned to trust my insticts. The insticts that my Higher power gave me. Eventually I learned when he would lie to me to just laugh some times I would even say if he was going to use make up make sure it was the proper color. No arguement or discussions need. I knew and that was it. I handed my addict over to my higher power and in HIS time he brought my addict to his bottom and I didn't have to do anything......except focus on my own recovery. Amazing things happened when I stopped playing his game and allowing the addiction/dis-ease to run me. Just chill and trust that your Higher power has it and can and will do amazing things for you when you let it go.
Oh and the ultimatums...have you tried that before? Oh my gosh I wish I was a quick learner cause In my experience I tried it over and over and over and had expectations that if he loved me and the kids he would want to stop for us. Nope didn't work. All it did was make me feel bad about myself cause I couldn't stick to what I said and when he didn't stop It made me think he didn't love us and that we weren't worth it to him. Which wasn't true he did and does love us but once in the throws of addiction the tunnel vision happens and he doesn't and can't see anything else. I set myself up over and over again. I allowed myself to get swept up in his tornado and took a numerous emotional hits over it. I couldn't control his lies / addiction / dis-ease as much as I couldn't control the weather.
Anyways....this is just my experience. Not sure if any of it is relevent. I can laugh at myself now and know that I wouldn't be where I'm at without a group of people who share their experience, strength and hope with me. And gave me lots of tissue and shoulders to cry on.
A lovely moderator here on the board often shares something that his sponsor has said to him over the years. It is:
They are either going to drink or not, what are YOU going to do?
I have absolutely no control over a loved ones drinking. The only person I have power over is me and sometimes I even question that. So the 3 C's come to mind here,
you did not Cause it
you cannot Control it
You cannot Cure it
But the 4th C = we can contribute to it. When I put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror, that is when my recovery begins.
I wish I had a dime for every time I heard the "hounding me makes me drink more" line (or as my AH said, it "interferes with my sobriety" - ugh). I can say however that my confrontations never resulted in any good. I agree that ultimatums don't work unless you follow through. And even if you do, it it should be for yourself, and not because you expect to achieve a desired result from your abf. If living with his drinking is crossing your boundaries, you have every right not to live with him any more, for your own peace and serenity. Whether he'll stop or continue is up to him, and up to him only. You've gotten lots of great perspectives. Please be gentle with yourself and keep coming back, nyc
