The material presented
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Over the past week since my husband has started to act a little different I have hit rock bottom within myself. He has become distant and it has thrown me way out of control.
I never realized how much dealing with a sober alcoholic father and an alcholic husband have done to me over the years. I have put up a front to show that i am alway fine when deep down i have been a mess. In the past I have told myself that i am going to work on me but i never have because i am too afraid. I am afriad of dealing with all this madness and really looking at the person i have become and the person i have lost.
I have never been able to have a healthy relationship with my father in the past. Always afraid to be honest with him and be myself. Then with all of my husbands alcoholism and my depression has pushed us apart even more. We have barely talked in 3 years.
WIth my husband, i feel like i am just lost. The person i was when we married i am no longer. I almost feel like a shell of a person. I am not the person, wife or mother/stepmother that i want to be. Its so scary of a journey to start becuase i am so afraid of dealing with this mess. It has been so much easier to deal with all my husbands problems becuase that way I don't have to work on myself.
So, now both my husband and I are on our mission of self discovery. He in AA and me in Alanon. I am so afraid this journey is going to push us further apart. Right now we are at a really weird place. We talk and deal with our life but no discussion on what we each are going through or feelings at all. I am actually a little lonely right now and i miss my husband. I wish a little attention could be given my way. For the past two weeks this has been gone. I am hoping that it returns.
So, for now i am learning about myself and asking my HP for help for myself and my husband. I hope he listens
Great awareness and it sounds like you are at a great starting point to redefine yourself and make new choices to be who and what you want to be! I was there not very long ago at my own bottom and to step into this program and be vulnerable and open to change and growth has been by far the best things I have ever done, not easy but right! To go to face to face meetings, meet with my sponsor and read everything I could get my hands on has paid off in my self worth over and over in full. I am sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Ditto on the great awareness!! If it helps, I try and just keep the focus on me and meeting my own needs. I kind of think of it as two trees in a forest. If one of us over crowds the other then while one person grows the other shrinks. We have to allow each other to be together and then separate so we can keep growing alone and together. I don't know if that makes sense or not.
I just know since I"ve started alanon and honestly I thought ok .. I'm starting alanon that means my marriage is over. What has happened was the opposite now that I"m no longer making demands and crowding him. My AH has made effort to be closer and stay connected by his own choices. The problem I had was I would crowd him and tell him what he needed to do for me and for himself instead of allowing him to figure things out for himself. As it turns out what he chooses to give me is beyond what I could have asked for .. now ... lol .. that's not to say sometimes I don't go to the hardware store looking for that loaf of bread. That still happens from time to time and I still get frustrated with myself more than him.
If you had told me last year that when I started Alanon we would be closer and not divorced I would have laughed in a very sarcastic manner and said whatever. The reality for me has been we've been connecting in ways that we did when we were dating. It's been so nice and enjoyable. He's actually taking Friday off so we can spend some time together and get a few things done around the house that need to be fixed. The last day off we had such a wonderful time together, that we are both looking forward to it.
I just wanted to let you know .. just because you start a journey of recovery it doesn't automatically mean the relationship is over sometimes it starts with a new beginning. It has made ALL of the difference to keep the focus on myself and figure out just like you are doing what I need to fix about me. I tend not to worry and obsess like I had been and honestly I like being around me a lot more now that cycle of stinking thinking has stopped.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
WOW--you just perfectly described how I felt as well, when I first came to al-anon (and even some days now!) You are in the right place and you don't have to go through recovery and self-discovery alone. And in time, everything will unfold as it is supposed to be for you and your husband.
Thank you for the words of encouragement because I need them right now! I feel like by letting go and letting my rah do what he needs to do is giving him the ok to just run and do what he wants. Granted it is as things but there is no regard for dinner with the family which we strived so hard to do. Studying with my girls etc . Spending time with me. It's ok because I can handle it all it is just hard to understand how 2 weeks ago it was something different than today. I am trying to understand but it is hard. If he sees my firms an hour a day anymore they are lucky. It just breaks my heart!!
Is working on himself a ticket to just tell me what he is doing with no regards for any of us at home?
