The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just found this message board, I have read posts that I can completely relate too, I just haven't taken that step and gone to a Family Group meeting.
I have been married 15 years with two wonderful sons, and have been living with alcoholism for over 11 years of it, and I find myself at a cross road. Can I do this anymore? I feel like I am an enabler because I continuously believe him when he says he knows he has a problem and he needs to do something about it, that it relaxes him because of the bad days he has and what is going on with business. There is always a reason and an excuse for the drinking.
When I say I can't do this anymore, I don't make him choose because that is not me, I'm done. Then what I get from him is "Well what have you been doing? You would rather be with someone else" Turning the tables on me, is this normal? Then I just get mad, and give up, what is the sense. Everything gets turned back on me. Why?
I feel like I am a coward because I am turning my back on this disease, but I feel so alone. I do not know what to do. I know that he will never stop, there will always be a reason for him to come home drunk.
I feel like a prisoner in my own life, I am married but so very lonely; but I dearly love the sober man I married. I know I need help to clear my head, but are the meetings right for me. I am not religious, I do not turn to a God for my answers, I believe in me and help of others to get me through.
Thank you for reading this post and letting me vent.
Hi and welcome to MIP! I can relate to you a lot! I think face to face Al-anon meetings could be of some help to you. You definitely qualify from what I hear in your share. I think you will have to actually reach out and go, to find the answer to your questions. I hope you find some local meetings and also there is a great book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews that helped me immensly. I am sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Welcome to MIP. Being religous is not a requirement. The only requirment is that you have been efffected by a friend or relatives drinking. You are a fit, as are all the other members of this board. Like you, I lived in the disease for many years before I found the Al-Anon program. Like you, I was at a cross roads. I can relate to everything you say and everything you are feeling because I to live with an actice alcoholic. Alcoholism is a cunning, baffling, and powerful disease. It's a taker, never a giver. The disease is selfish consuming the mind, body, and spirit of the alcoholic. It's a progressive disease. Over time we become as sich or sicker than the alcoholic in our life, and without help it's to much for most of us. That's the bad news.
The good news.....you don't have to be alone in the disease anymore. The Al-Anon program can and will give you the help and support you need and deserve. The Al-Anon program is not a religous program and is not affiliated with any sect or denomination. No one will give you advice or tell you what you should or should not do. We will only offer you our experience, strenght, and hope, offering to you what has worked for us.
What worked for me was finding an Al-Anon meeting in my area and surrounding myself around other members who understood what I was going through. I found a new caring family who only wanted the best for me. MY ES&H to you is to do the same. Your life will change for the better. Start your recovery from the effects the disease has had on you. You don't have to be alone anymore.
Al-Anon helped me to see that I had choices. I've been married for 29 years and the last 3 years became too much for me to deal with alone. In the rooms of Al-Anon I have found hope and courage to change. I highly recommend that you try at least six different meetings and don't worry about making any major changes in your current situation for at least sixth months after going to Al-Anon meetings. You don't need to be religious to understand the way Al-Anon works, just a desire for a better life and the support of others who understand where you are coming from and can be of comfort and hope when things seem hopeless to you right now in your life. I'm glad you posted and shared your concerns here. This is a safe place for you. Feel the hugs!
-- Edited by Green Eyes on Tuesday 8th of November 2011 01:03:27 AM
but are the meetings right for me. I am not religious
Yes, if your life is or has been effected by someones drinking Al-Anon is for you.
Al-Anon is not a religious thing.
'Al-Anon Family Groups is a spiritual fellowship, not a religious one. We avoid discussion of specific religious doctrine, and members of all faiths (or of none) are welcome. Our Twelve Steps ask us to find a "Power greater than ourselves" who can help us solve our problems and find serenity. Each member is free to define that power in his or her own way.'
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I will find local meetings, it sounds like they are the right thing for me to do for our family. You have given me a peace of mind that I have been needing, and to know that I can share and find strength and not walk alone is an amazing sense of hope. Thank you again.
I just wanted to welcome you to the boards you already have great ESH!! As you see you are not alone in dealing with the disease of alcoholism. Please keep coming back!!
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I think you will find the face to face rooms of alanon especially helpful. As it was mentioned before, Alanon is not a religious program. It is a spiritual program. I have friends in the program of all faiths, muslim, christian, judaism, buddhism to name a few. Alanon has an open spiritual framework for which each individual has the opportunity to come to believe in a power greater than one self.
For me, there is beauty in that simplicity. No one is forced to believe or come to believe, it is on your own terms and on your own time table.
We have some members here who are actually atheist so you will find all walks of life as well as diversity in beliefs. Don't let "religion" be what puts you off of alanon it's more than just religion. I saw the best t-shirt the other day that said "Christianity is not a religion." Regardless of what you believe there will always be things that are pigeon holed because of a personal bad experience or someone else's.
Hugs p :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Just be open minded. There might be others talking about "God" but that is from their own spiritual journey and it's not like you are supposed to believe in the same higher power that everyone else does. Actually believing in the power of the group and the members IS a higher power already and you stated that in your own response.
I can relate to much of what you wrote about and also am pretty sure others can too. You didn't plan on this. Alcoholism is insideous and progressive.
Hope you stick around and share what you are learning in Al Anon.
Ironically, I'm "new" to all this although I've lived with alcoholism for 30 years. I could have written your post with the exception that I do turn to God whom I couldn't have made this long, lonely, tumultuous journey without. Throughout the years I've felt helpless and completely isolated from so many people, experiences, and the joy that I've known should exist in marriage. We raised two beautiful and extremely successful daughters together, however, we screwed up their lives with the dysfunction of our situation. They are now, as I said, very successful in their professional lives, both in the medical fields. However, although truly beautiful a the ages of 25 and 27, our daughters are single and not dating seriously. I'm sure they don't want a relationship like their parents modeled...I hope not! They have no idea how to have a good, honest, caring, loving relationship...although they are both in counseling and working in a positvie direction. Our oldest daughter has recently admitted to being alcoholic, which breaks my heart, and yet I'm so truly grateful for her admittance and confrontation of this disease and the process that she has introduced us to that will surely help each one of us. I'm open to any and all suggestions as to how to begin this new journey and start going through the 12 steps.
Susan thank you so much, I have wondered how it would effect my boys. You have given me a whole new perspective on what my actions now may effect my boys future. I am thinking of the now, and how it is effecting them. I really need to concentrate on them as well and get them into the Al-Anon Teen groups. I really do not want this to continue throughout the generations.
Good for you! I truly felt that if I kept the girls involved in virtually everything from gymnastics, to piano, to every sport possible, and church activities, if I surrounded them with the "right" people, if I talked about how my life growing up had been, which I consider to be the perfect childhood (minus alcholism or addiction), that they would grow up and be "okay." Believe me, starting now, to help them understand alcholism and how it affects everyone, is the best thing you can do for yourself and for them! I only wish I'd known then, what I know now and what I'm learning everyday.
Ironically, I'm "new" to all this although I've lived with alcoholism for 30 years. I could have written your post with the exception that I do turn to God whom I couldn't have made this long, lonely, tumultuous journey without. Throughout the years I've felt helpless and completely isolated from so many people, experiences, and the joy that I've known should exist in marriage. We raised two beautiful and extremely successful daughters together, however, we screwed up their lives with the dysfunction of our situation. They are now, as I said, very successful in their professional lives, both in the medical fields. However, although truly beautiful a the ages of 25 and 27, our daughters are single and not dating seriously. I'm sure they don't want a relationship like their parents modeled...I hope not! They have no idea how to have a good, honest, caring, loving relationship...although they are both in counseling and working in a positvie direction. Our oldest daughter has recently admitted to being alcoholic, which breaks my heart, and yet I'm so truly grateful for her admittance and confrontation of this disease and the process that she has introduced us to that will surely help each one of us. I'm open to any and all suggestions as to how to begin this new journey and start going through the 12 steps.