The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have recently just been introduced to this website. It has been very helpful in the last couple of days as my AH and I are now at a point where we can, again, approach his drinking for what it really is with the help of family and AA. This time around my AH sees his drinking as a problem and something he needs to fix for himself. He has been doing really good, he has gone to seven meetings in five days with another one tonight. He is serious about this and I know that he can do it because he really wants to better his life and adjust the priority of his family and his future over his priority of drinking to get drunk or drinking at all.
However, I have only made it to one Al-anon meeting and am really struggling. I have been on my own roller-coaster of emotions through all this and just want to reach out and find something solid, somewhere.
I started off mad on Wednesday night when the line was crossed, once again, with the drinking. Thursday morning, I was still angry and trying to gather all my thoughts to prepare for battle. Thursday afternoon, when my AH finally woke up, he had already decided that he had to get ahold of his alcoholism, again, and for-real this time. So I was happy, excited and very pleased and on cloud nine, I thought: "Finally!" We both went to a meeting Thursday night, he to his and me to mine. Friday afternoon he went to one, Friday night I went to an open AA meeting with him. (I really enjoy that he invites me to them, because I want to battle this as a team and support him). He went to another one on Saturday morning and then invited me to an open AA meeting at midnight on Saturday night. We have such great conversation before and after. Sunday we went to church (a common practice) and then Sunday afternoon I had planned on taking our daughter to the zoo. My AH had decided to take that time to hang out with his closest friend here in LA (we were transfered for his job July 2010 and are still making friends here) and tell him that he was in AA, again, and then go to a meeting Sunday night.
Well, Sunday he decided not to tell his friend and then was too tired to go to his meeting Sunday night. He went to one this afternoon (monday) and I don't think he is off course but Sunday night I started feeling very angry at him. Why isn't he taking this serious and telling his friend! His #1 drinking buddy? How long does he think he can avoid that? When I asked, he's afraid his friend is going to try and talk him out of the fact that he has "a problem." So today I'm angry and it has slowly transformed into stress. I'm having small panic attacks at work about anything and everything. On top of that, I feel like I'm tip-toeing around other issues as to not push him off this path to recovery. Like his recovery rests on my shoulders, even though I know it doesn't. I just feel like I need to be his mother and stay on top of him, make sure he is doing everything he needs to stay on track.
I guess my biggest bump in the road is that I see ahead and see that this journey for my AH and us, his family, is a long and rough path. I see and know that and at this point feel so overwhelmed and defeated already.
I don't mean to ramble. I just wanted to throw this all out there. If you have any thing that will help me that has maybe been helpful for you, I would love to hear it. I just need my own batch of encouragement.
I have found when I stick to my side of the street (I happen to have the lights on my side so I can see clearly what I need to clean up, prune or fix) and stay off my AH side of the street (this applies to all my relationships as well, the lights are off not because it's a bad side, because i don't need to worry about cleaning up someone else's stuff), I do so much better. Minding my own business is my motto of the day .. lol. This has been a rough one for me today. That's ok .. because I figured it out I know what I need to do.
Hanging my dreams and expectations on someone else is just like asking for trouble for me. When i keep the focus on me, stop obsessing (i do this) on if my AH is going to drink, pay a bill, do the next right thing for him I get into a mess and I don't like how I feel. It puts me back into the drivers seat with no steering wheel even though I'm looking like mad for it. Jesus Take the Wheel is a GREAT song, He took the whole dang wheel out the car of life for me. :) Whatever higher power you need and what works for you that's just me.
I encourage you to attend more meetings, get serious about your own recovery and stick to your own recovery. There is a wise saying on this board. The addict is going to drink, drug, whatever or not. What are YOU going to do?
The answer for me is continue to focus on my own recovery, continue to stick to my side of the street and allow my HP to work the rest out. Remarkably it's worked out for the best for me.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Sounds to me like you are (rightfully so) encouraged by his renewed commitment to his sobriety, and kudos to you for that....
A gentle reminder that HIS recovery is not really something that the two of you can tackle together - it really is HIS.... he may well include you in 'some' of it, but it is HIS recovery.... he is not accountable to YOU for how many meetings he goes to (or doesn't go to), and that in itself, is somewhat of a recipe for disaster.....
The good news is..... choosing a program of recovery for YOU is the way to go.... focus all that angst, attention, effort onto YOU, and what you can do for your own recovery.... Sounds to me like he is at least trying here - and we all hope he finds sobriety.... In the meantime, time to get serious about you and your program..... Al-Anon, good books, posting here - all very good stuff... the occasional open AA meeting with or without him wouldn't hurt, but the more you can allow him the dignity of his sobriety being owned by him, the less natural expectations (met or unmet) as a result....
He will either drink (or work his program, or go to meetings, or whatever) or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do???
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I am so glad you found us too. Welcome to MIP. What I found most helpful for me to begin attending alanon on a regular basis and eventually ask someone to be my sponsor. I had a hard time in the beginning trying to keep the focus off of what my husband is or is not doing with his drinking or lack thereof.
Alanon provided much needed understanding and support that I craved because I was affected by the family disease of alcoholism. I needed the tools and the guidance of the fellowship while I embarked on this journey of recovery. The 3 C's come into mind. You did not cause this, you cannot control this, and you cannot cure this. His recovery is something he has to want and no one can force him to want to go to meetings nor can anyone prevent him from going.
I think if you stick around and get to know us awhile you will find a fellowship of people here that offer comfort and support because some of us have been there too. However, the magic really happens in the face to face alanon meetings. It is suggested you try six or more before making a decision as to whether or not alanon is for you. If you can, give it a try. For me I have been giving it a try for many years now and I am so very grateful that I did.
I am so gald you took the time to introduce yourself to the forum. Welcome home!
RRib is right. I have heard some amazing speakers from LA Alanon and AA. I think you are in a good place for hearing some tremendous experience, strength, and hope.
i cant figure out whats going on? is he going to all of these meetings and yet drinking sometimes? how can anyone be expected to follow this roller coaster ride..... no wonder you are in emotional turmoil right now....you must stop all of this and look after yourself- what he does is up to him....trust me, youll get to the point where you get beyond trying and caring. he will quit with or with you- or hell stay drinking with or without out- youre good will- prayers- support wont make any difference im afraid to say- this is totally his stuff to deal with- its not for you to help him mop it all up- its not even your job or responsability. im sorry if this sounds harsh...but if you carry on like this you will end up very- very drained.
What's going on: almost three years ago he was "forced" into believing he had a problem and went to AA as a way to appease everyone. He went for five months and then convinced me that he "didn't have a problem, was just in a bad place" but if I ever felt like it was a problem, then I could pull the plug. So two years later and about 9 months of screaming that it was a problem, he has finally agreed.
And I hoping to get into more meetings, but I'm in Louisiana (LA) and I need meetings that have child care, it's been difficult to find meetings, let alone ones that can accommodate a 4y/o. I took her to the first meeting, but she had a hard time sitting still for an hour and she was such a detraction for me.
Well, open A.A. meetings are good places to scout out others who may also need another Al-Anon meeting.
Hope he sticks to it this time. I can tell you that A.A. does work when a person recognizes there's a problem and becomes willing to ask for help.
Unfortunately, it's not unusaul to see people show up for awhile and then stop going pretty quickly, like your husband did, when they don't see thier drinking as a real problem too.
And it's harder to pay attention when you have a youngster to attend to. But I've seen lots of people bring their children and the kids get used to the idea of coloring or doing something quiet - it is just an hour.
Hope you can find more Al-Anon meetings soon. Regardless what he decides to do, you'll do better if you have your own recovery program and support group. Most of us need it after being (or continueing to be) in an alcoholic relationship.
If you call your local Alanon hotline they should be able to tell you immediately if there is childcare and which meetings provide it. My daughter is the sitter for my home meeting and we both enjoy the hour. She gets an hour of peace from her younger brother .. lol .. and I get the meetings I so need. I do understand the constraints of having a young child though.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
For me the best way to support the alcoholic is to have my own program and you cant get much more solid than Al-Anon as we are celebrating our 60th birthday this yr ..it works . We have to get off thier backs and out of thier faces his recovery is his business open AA meetings is a good way to spend some time with him but you both need space to recover from his disease. I was told an alcoholic dosent have a hope in hell of staying sober going home to an old idea I was the old idea = go figure . We have had a part in this mess and the alcoholic is not the only one who has to change .. Please find support for yourself in our program . Louise
Sending you lots of support. I have a 2 and 5 yr old, and my husband still has not admitted he has a problem or step foot in a single AA meeting. I have been attending Al Anon meetings for a year, and in that year I have realized that a lasting sobriety is only possible if I allow him the diginity to come realize himself that he has a problem and needs help. And then the follow through will be up to him as well. I don't know if that will happen or not, but for today my focus is on ME and not him. This isn't easy as his drinking is increasing and his anger level has risen. Thanks to the al anon, my life is getting better and I have tons of support as I take each day, sometimes each hour, at a time. I'm so grateful you posted today. I am having a hard time with my husband's anger today and sharing with you has been so helpful for me. Take care.
I can't emphasize enough how much Al-Anon meetings have helped me. So I'm inclinded to give newcomers to this board a nudge in that direction. I realize that you have a 4 year old. Find something your child really likes, such as coloring dinasours (for example) and only let him do so at meetings. It could give your child something to look forward to. Your child will likely settle down after a few minutes and you'll likely become more comfortable too.
I went practically nuts living with my alcoholic for 36 years. Al-Anon was suggested to me; however, I didn't think it was for me. In hindsight, I put myself through hell needlessly.
I understand how you feel you can help him. But truly, only he will help himself once he decides that he needs it.
My husband went through inpatient rehabs 3 times in 3 years. The first time, he did it to appease me and family members. The last time, he nearly lost his life due to health issues brought on by alcoholism. Third time is a charm (for him) I HOPE!
Regardless what he does, I don't get in his business anymore. Al-Anon will teach you what is your business and what is his. I realize that your head must be spinning right now.
Give Al-Anon a good try! And read the posts here.
Glad you're here!
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Hi and welcome. I hope you try again to attend face to face meetings they were priceless for me. And a book "Getting Them Sober" might be a great read for you as well. I am glad you found us here! I am sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Heya....welcome. You sound like you are holding it together pretty well. Yes, it's a long road for all of you that is ahead, but you are already further along than some folks ever get. You are both starting to live in the solution here and that is good. Also, it would be an even longer and harder road if he didn't even try AA or getting sober at all (and if you were not doing alanon). So...keep focused on the positive and just 1 day at a time. That saying 1 day at a time exists for a reason and that is so you do not get overwhelmed by what may or may not happen outside of today. I have been told 95 percent of the thing you worry about don't ever happen and also that anxiety is a waste of my imagination. It's hard to keep my anxious thoughts in check, but remembering these things does sometimes help.
Hang in there!
Mark
-- Edited by pinkchip on Tuesday 8th of November 2011 02:52:08 PM
