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She is living in an assited living facility, as she is essentially disabled (with a heart condition and pacemaker) and thus on restriced income. She has made friends with another resident there that she initially was trying to avoid (or so she claimed). This other resident is an alcoholic and addicted to pain meds, and he has been supplying my mother with both. Recently, my father and my aunt went to visit mom, and she was sitting on the couch, absolutely smashed, while this other man was naked in her bed. When confronted about this, she had no apology of any kind for it, and her main concern was that "oh great, everyone will be angry with me for another 6 months."
Recently, there has been a bit of a blow-up in the family of my sister confronting mom about intentionally breaking up my sister's past relationships. My sister has dated seriously three times, and mom has at least attempted to break up all three of them, and basically succeeded at two. One of them was on the rocks anyway, and mom just accelerated the process, and the attempt on the most recent one didn't work.
The relationship that was on the rocks anyway, mom slept with my sister's boyfriend, and this was one of the things that she was confronted about. This sent my mother on a holy crusade to find out who was spreading such vicious rumors about her and threatening that when she found out who it was, she would sue them for slander. Never mind that mom has admitted to multiple people in the past that it is true.
Right now, she has decided that my aunt (who has mental issues, and is deathly afraid of jail or court or doing anything wrong EVER) is the only one who could have been spreading these rumors (except they aren't rumors, because mom has said that they are true), and mom has said that she is going to sue her sister. She's alternating this cruelty with making nice, and seems to have withdrawn from communication with the rest of the family. Most likely in attempt to see who comes running to communicate with her so that she can be melodramatic about those who don't.
I am seriously considering confronting her about this and making it clear that this is it for me. She has pushed me too far, been too cruel to me and others, and her lies have taken over her life. And that if she wants to have contact with me then she needs to shape up or this will be the last time I speak with her.
you have my sympathies!!! my mum doesnt drink anymore and doesnt sleep with neighbours- but she is on pain killers and is often as nutty and fruit cake jam packed with tns of fruit. i also know the agro is about too. i would consider carefully about your ultimatum abut her shaping up or you will go- for your sake only- because it just might put a whole more agro and drama on your plate.....it might really smart and hurt her- and she could then devote her time telling everyone how cruel you are...and how youve lied etc. and you may just live to regret it and i dont want you to have any more agro or drama on your plate than your deserve.....in my experience- if they are very sick and not ready to hear stuff- it can be lighting a match and putting it to a petrol can...good luck, i know what it like- not many people in life can appreciate just how soul destroying it can be. xx
What kind of a boyfriend would sleep with his girlfriend's mother? It sounds as if there is a whole host of dysfunctional people ready to jump in and increase the dysfunction here.
My guess is that without a program of recovery and an enormous amount of hard work, your mother will not be able to change her ways, even if she were willing. I think we've all had that experience of demanding that alcoholics and addicts start acting like responsible people. If confronting them worked, there would be no more addicts.
Rather than doing something to try fruitlessly to change her, another option is that you could just protect yourself. A good recovery program of your own is the best long-term way. In the short term, you can just put your mother farther out in the circle of people you interact with. My own family was big on all-or-nothing decisions and cutting people off. I saw it going back generations. It did lead to more aggro and fury and intensity. I saw that the way of lessening the intensity would just be to have very limited interactions with my mother. That broke the cycle of all-or-nothing behavior.
I hope you'll choose a way forward that protects you best. Keep coming back.
I myself do not have direct but related experience on this topic. I would like to share that I had to take a step back from my mother for a few years as our relationship was extremely strained. I used that time to work on me and discover if it was in my best interest to have a relationship with this person. In the end I found it was possible to have a relationship with her, one that I could have not predicted. For me it was nothing short of a miracle from God and working the steps with my sponsor.
Each situation is different. I loved the idea that I was supported by my sponsor on whatever decision I made to have a relationship or to not. It was up to me, I can change my mind, one day at a time. Today we have a relationship and I am very thankful.
Hi there, have you read "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews, it helped me immensly. Also are you attending face to face Al-anon meetings? I am thinking with what you are dealing with these things might be of help. I am sending you love and support on your journey!
-- Edited by Breakingfree on Monday 7th of November 2011 07:22:41 PM
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I too have had to take a step back from some relationships while I work on me. I am not ready to go back to them yet and so they are on hold. In loving support and HUGS
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
