"how could you let him..." - Al-Anon Family Group

Golightly24 · Member

"how could you let him..."

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

There is no reason to be embarrassed by someone elses behavior. It is no reflection on you.

They are suffering a horrible disease they did not choose.

This behavior sadly is the nature of the disease. I am sorry how badly the disease hurt you! It does not care!

hugs,debilyn

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Golightly there isn't a right or a wrong...addiction isn't a moral issue and trying to rationalize, bargin, discuss with, or state feelings and the like with someone who is under the influence of a mind and mood altering chemical isn't sane...and they are always under the influence of the chemicals if they are not in recovery and working a program of total abstinence and change.

Trying to bargin with and drive the sense into my alcoholic/addict wife just pissed her off and drove me crazy. The disease of addiction is cunning, powerful (very) and baffling and only one reason is that I thought that I was dealing with a normal person. I was dealing with a normal alcoholic/addict.

If you're not attending face to face meetings of the Al-Anon Family Groups let me suggest you look up their hotline number in the white pages of your local telephone book and call to find the places and times we meet in your area.

Till then keep coming back to MIP board and scroll back in time and do some catchup reading on the shares that have come in the past. It will be most helpful. (((((hugs))))) smile

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

I think you did well

rrib · Senior Member

Golightly24 wrote:
I am not his keeper and that he makes his own decisions

Very true.

It's his choice to go places were there's going to be drinking. Or its his choice not to.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs,

It is said if you act in your best interests you can never go wrong. It sounds to me like you did amazing, others who don't deal with addiction or don't choose to use a recovery program of their own really don't understand what's going on and how we are completely powerless over addiction. You worked your program and it worked for you. I am sorry you are having a tough time.

Hugs P :)

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

I think you did the best you could with the situation you had. As it was said before, you are not responsible for his choice to drink or not. The 3 C's come into mind here. You did not Cause it, you cannot Control it, you cannot Cure it. Your friends and family seem to lack an understanding in that no one has power to prevent or stop someone from drinking. It is up to the each individual to make that decision.

If you have not been to a face to face meeting as Jerry suggested, I would like to encourage you to go. It is suggested you attend six or more before making a decision as to whether or not it is for you.

Keep coming back and sharing. We appreciate what you have to share as many of us can understand as few others could.

Sincerely,

T

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

There is no right and wrong like other's have said.... There is only informed versus uninformed choices. It sounds like you are dealing with a pretty typical alcoholic who is very self-centered and will protect his drinking and or drug use however he needs to. Of course a normal person can seee that it's absurd to be drinking 3 months after rehab. It's selfish, destructive, and if anyone is attacking the relationship...it's him (with his alcoholism and poor choices). Now, I'm not sure it helps you to hear that - It sounds like you already have a ton of people "on your side" here. You are definitely right that you can't "make" him do anything, but the boundaries you draw with him are for you. What are you going to do? What are you going to tolerate in your life? Those are questions you can answer with the help of Alanon.

amills4294 · Senior Member

It is hard. I do understand and think you are doing a good job taking care of you. Continue doing that - his behavior is not yours and your decisions how you deal with it are your own but please keep sharing. I am struggling with relationship issues myself and it has been better for me if I share with others in Al-Anon how I'm dealing with those issues. I feel stronger. When I kept them to myself or tried to share with others not in similar circumstances or upbringing I tended to get the "You should do this or you should do that...." Here I feel safe to share and hear how others deal with similar situations.

Hugs to you

rosielee · Senior Member

hey- i am also thinking what the line is between accepting the things you cant change and enabling...i am confused with this one too. I guess...honestly this is a guess- its about saying your stuff to them when they are sober and detaching when they get bad.
people on this board know that its a sickness you cant control and putting all the responsibilty on you- and the judgements- to sort him out- is deeply unfair. they actually know things arent that simple.......i would ignore it.

i had my sisters judgments for years and now life is dealing her a rough hand she finds herself in similar situations.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

It sounds like you did just fine. Have you read "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews or "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, both great and helpful books. I hope you are able to make it to Al-anon face to face meetings also. I am sending you love and support on your journey!

Golightly24 · Member

RE:

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

RE: "how could you let him..."

rrib · Senior Member

Golightly24 wrote:
but I'm finding it hard to find one that works with my ridiculous work schedule.

I was pleasently (and unexpectantly) surprised when my employer gave me all the fexability I needed. They never asked for any details but allowed me to adjust my work schedule so I could take care of my 'personal issues'. So, I was able to attend f2f meeting daily when I needed them.

SCARLETT · Member

rrib wrote:
Golightly24 wrote:
I am not his keeper and that he makes his own decisions
Very true.
It's his choice to go places were there's going to be drinking. Or its his choice not to.

I wanted to add that in the throws of addiction or the disease there is no choice. After the body has been cleared of the mind altering substance than there is a choice. One of my husbands rehab counselors told me that and I argued with her. I learned the hard way.

rrib · Senior Member

SCARLETT wrote:
rrib wrote:
Golightly24 wrote:
I am not his keeper and that he makes his own decisions
Very true.
It's his choice to go places were there's going to be drinking. Or its his choice not to.
I wanted to add that in the throws of addiction or the disease there is no choice. After the body has been cleared of the mind altering substance than there is a choice. One of my husbands rehab counselors told me that and I argued with her. I learned the hard way.

I've been there. When I attended my 1st A.A. meeting, I had the DT's so bad, I could not hold my coffee cup. He has the choice of picking up the 1st drink of the day or going for help. Few of us actually require medical detox before quitting.

-- Edited by rrib on Wednesday 9th of November 2011 02:11:06 AM

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I have 4 jobs and 2 kids and I only make 2 face to face meetings a week and 1 meeting with my sponsor to work the steps. This board is awesome because lots of us are Al-anoners and I believe the meetings have helped me to grow immensly. Have you read "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews ? A most excellent book! I believe until we start working on our own recovery we are still trying to save and help our A's work their program. I hope you are able to take care of yourself. I am sending you love and support on your journey!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.