The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm new to this forum. Not new to 12 step programs. I currently am practicing duel enrollment :).
I'm married to a recovering heroin addict. He has been in a program for 9 months and has another 2 months to graduate the program. We visit regularly and communicate well. Or so I thought. Recently he has been overtly attempting to pressure me into allowing him to come home after he graduates this program. I have been very firm with my boundries stating we can discuss this after we have counseling. He doesn't seem to accept this. The thoughts going on in my head is....what am I afraid of? I know what the fear is ....I don't know how to gt past it with the pressure I'm feeling. I want to restore my marriage but in little steps a nd I guess I'm afraid that my little steps maybe to small for him. I've asked him to stay on post graduation to allow for more time and healing. In addition my mother in law has since jumped on this band wagona and is bribing him to stay another 9 months for her own selfish reasons. I'm very confused and not sure where I'm going with this. I'm confident in my decisions when I'm on my own but when others start to apply pressure or mother in laws get involved....I lose my confidence.
Hi and welcome to MIP! I can relate to your share and my mother-in-law went as far as to blame me for her sons drinking (even though he drank before he met me) and thought he was too good for me (that is called denial). Which just made me fight to save my marriage all the harder to prove her wrong and thus, I hit my bottom. I guess my point is don't let the pressure fuel you to do anything that isn't being true to what you really want. Keep your boundaries, they are to protect yourself. I know I was dealing with sick people and had to dettach accordingly, but didn't know it at teh time, I found Al-anon after I moved out. I hope you are able to make it to a meeting and do you have a sponsor? I am sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I feel I have been blamed for his last 5 years of addiction. I did not understand the dis-ease and didn't understand that I too required dual enrollment. Thanks to him I have found recovery and I do understand the dis-ease much more. The steps are in the order they are in for a reason and reconciliation should follow steps too. Thinking I'm just going to find that mental off button for my mother in law. You know how the remote control has a mute button. I'm allowed to take things slow and one moment at a time. Gotta remember my higher power will work it out I just need to keep doing the next right thing.
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Also welcome to the board Scarlett or Aloha...Keep in mind that the dis-ease touches everyone it comes into contact with and be gentle with yourself and them. It's good to subdue or kill expectations except to continue in the program and working the suggestions...HP, meetings, literature, sponsor doing some service and helping others over time. You have to do you first and people and places such as Al-Anon and MIP are the assets if you use them.
Confusion is normal when the experiences are short so stick around and keep coming back and practice what you learn over and over till the confusion goes away.
Good work so far you're learning...the blaming is normal for the alcoholic/addict to blame others because they will not take responsibility for the condition of their lives caused by drinking and using up to now. After a while in recovery they may come to it "may" and not always yet you know you are not responsible for his addictions...let it roll off like water off a ducks back...Quack!! When he blames he's quacking!!
My addict husband doesn't blame me. He learned a while ago it wasn't me. My mother in law is a different story. And I certainly won't own his garbage. Thats his not mine. I've got enough of my own.
Baby steps are good Scarlett - Both your respective recoveries will be better and stronger when you progress slow and steady. It sounds like you know what to do and you have a HP guiding you but life is just challenging and it's hard dealing with the emotions going along with all that you are facing. Keep practicing your own program and it will fall into place.
One of the best things I have heard in Alanon was "when in doubt, don't." Your HP will reveal to you what is the right action to take not one second too soon or too late. Just stick to doing the next right thing and leave the results up to Him.
Thank you.....sometimes I have to be reminded the things I've learned through the voices of others. I knew this is my head but my emotions were a little louder in my head. Once I got the commitee in my head to be quiet I was able to think it through.
