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I have not felt well for the last couple of days. Today I started feeling a bit better, and had been asked to meet with a friend for tea. Usually I would bring my 18 month old with me, but was really feeling like I needed a couple of hours just for me. I have a long work week ahead, a stressfull one. My husband (5 months out of rehab) is unemployed, and angry about it (understandably), and lately has gone back to taking this out on me.
My husband wanted to go for a motorcycle ride. At 10am I suggested I go see my friend while he keeps our toddler, and then he can have the afternoon to take his ride - it's a beautiful day. He didn't like that, and asked me why I wasn't taking our 18 month old. I reminded him that I didn't fele 100% and needed the time for me. So then I suggested the reverse, that he go first, as he wanted to be back earlier. I stated I'd like to leave no later than 1:30pm (I have to drive accross town).
He left two hours later (noon), and came back after 3pm - I was exhausted and frustrated (he left his phone at home). Of course, he was energetic and happy, and suddenly dad-of-the-year.
I feel this happening a lot lately. I feel that I try to be supportive of him, but also ask for what I need. He had been doing better with talking to me about issues he's having - but, again, has gone back to being nasty with me.
I work, and am a full-time parent when not at work. I have always been. He wears me down, and today I became frustrated with the baby - she was just being a typical toddler, teething and not wanting to nap. I feel badly that my anger toward him has to affect her at all - I love her so much. But, I'm the one who deals with the challenges, who is up at night with her while he sleeps in every morning. Then he puts on a show in front of people with her, and I'm left feeling exhausted and confused.
I feel I'm doing a bad job in general, I don't have the reserves to do all of this, and I don't want to have to. I'm sure my ACA issues get in the way, though I have worked on them for years. I just feel out of answers, and am tired of being angry and hurt. I know early recovery isn't easy, but literally I feel like I'm dying some days.
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"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
I am so sorry you are going through this, I really encourage you to have a back up (support) plan when you need to get out and about. Your day doesn't need to be hinged on what he is or is not doing. Is it possible to have his parents watch your little one? You weren't looking to go out for the WHOLE day you wanted a few hours and as a mother I can completely empathize.
Something I saw with my AH, my control issues were totally overt his were covert. My AH was very good at using me needing to drive him somewhere to his advantage to control me. This stopped when he realized I was no longer buying what he was selling. He also set "rules" up that once he was the one at home with the kids no longer worked for him and he had to back peddle out of them. When my plans no longer hinged around him it was a shock to his system in a big way.
It's the old hardware store for a loaf of bread issue. You need to have your own recovery plan going on his recovery is about him however YOUR recovery is 100% about you and it should be. Recovery is not easy for either party, YOU are part of that other part of recovery and it's NOT all about him all the time.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I agree with Pushka, for me to get a break from my toddler I had to set it up without relying on my exAH whether we were together or not and the same with his parents I can't rely on them either. I have set it up that I get me time and breaks and am so much better for it. I have made me a priority and especially if you are still up at night with your lil one and working all day, you will need some refresh time. I make it to atleast 1 Al-anon meeting a week and try for 2 and 1 night a week I meet with my sponsor. That is what it takes for me to stay in balance and then I have overflow to give. It is hard with a little one and I believe in time you will find a way. I am sending you love and support.
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
This morning, when I was still not feeling well, I got up with the baby and got her dressed/ready to go. Then took her into the other room where my AH was asleep. He got mad and told me to "get out of the room." I completely understand what you are saying about "giving from your overflow, not reserves." I don't really have either anymore, and mornings like this (esp when I'm worn down by being sick) leave me feeling hopeless. Oy, I feel like such an al-anon no-no! I"m still reading literature, still talking to my sponsor, but am working on more meetings. His parents used to be my primary support, until he went to rehab. Now everything that happens is something that is either my fault, or a "marriage communication issue," or it's due to him "just being a man." To them, it now seems like things are rarely his responsibility. His parents live 35 mins away, everyone else anywhere from 4 hours away to the other coast. So, I don't have anyone to watch her as of now. Haven't had time to introduce her to new people for babysitting yet. Working on it.
When I stop buying what he sells, he works harder on degrading me, and making me look like I'm at fault. E.g. if I don't respond to verbal assaults (or just rudeness), then I'm "not communicating."
I'm grateful he went to rehab, but not that I'm dealing with some of the same issues. What if I can't get me healthy while being with him? I keep trying. I spent years working on these issues and actually had a life that was more balanced, experienced joy, and was manageable. Then I met him, and ALLOWED myself to get sucked in - It came at a time when I was very vulnerable, and he knew it. I am back to wanting to leave, but fear is in the way - I don't want anything bad to happen with my daughter (he is likely to put her in the middle, and I can't deal with that right now, I'm not strong enough), and I don't know who could help me through it.
Sorry, I digress. I'm in a tough spot, and I don't like it!
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"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
I've had to learn how to forgive myself when I lose my patience with my two small children...especially as it happens more frequently when my husband has been drinking. I sometimes feel so guilty and beat myself up so much that it takes me from the present moment when i could be enjoying my kids and they could be enjoying me. We are human. You are working a program, which is the best thing you can do for yourself and your child! Please be gentle with yourself and know that you are doing your best. I so appreciate your honesty, and from one mom to another, easy does it. Take care.
I wanted to let you know with my Ex, his father was so relieved when I came into his life then I figured out why. After all if he would just grow up and get some responsibilities he would be fine and then his father viewed everything that happened ALL as my fault. When I left him (not saying you should just saying) his father was furious .. not at his son who hadn't worked for over a year, at ME because it meant that all of my Ex's baggage was going to be soundly delivered to his doorstep and HE was done being the parent because he saw his son as my responsibility.
Of course you are tired and wore out, being mocked, emotionally degraded and having nothing left to give. As a mother I call it being touched out, having someone reach from every direction until it physically hurts to have someone within a foot of space. It's awful to feel like it's a chore to hug your child or to do that one more thing.
Please be easy on yourself, you are worth while, you are a human being and we all deserve to have that time to recharge. You are in a tough spot however a door will open up, you'll see it when it's time for you to see it. It won't seem so tough then, you'll know it's from your HP.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
