Live with a Jekyll and Hyde - Al-Anon Family Group

KimK · Veteran Member

Live with a Jekyll and Hyde

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I can relate and usually when my exAH would come home from a very late nighter the next day he would be more on edge. I was never sure if it was because of what he had done, or if because he had no idea what he had done. Either way it's insanity and I stopped trying to make sense of his irrational behavior. I was with him for 15 years and his drinking was always a problem. Some people are able to stay with their A's and continue to grow through Al-anon. I was not able to do so. Have you read the book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews? It was very helpful for me in my recovery. I attend Al-anon twice a week and meet with my sponsor weekly to do step work which has helped me to be more than just surviving this life. I am sending you love and support on your journey!

KLotus · Senior Member

Sending you ESH. Thank you for your post, as it helped me. I can relate to it.

I'm sorry for your struggles!

never going back · Senior Member

Hi,(((Kim)))
So glad you're here and welcome!
You asked "anyone deal with this Jekyll/Hyde syndrome successfull?" I can say I've for sure dealt with it, but I don't know about the 'sucessfully' part! Have you read the book 'Marriage on The Rocks' by Janet Woititz? Reading your post, I was reminded if one of the passages from that book that I had highlighted. The author, an authority on issues dealing with alcoholism, does a lot of counseling with spouses of alcoholics. She says, " I have often wondered if the book "Dr.Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" was based on the life of an alcoholic. I would not be at all surprised. 'When he is drunk, he is not the person I married,' many a woman has told me,' I don't know him at all. He's a stranger to me.' My response is something terribly profound like, "he doesn't seem like the man you married because he's NOT the man you married." That is the reality of the situation.
I struggled with this for a long time. I felt that what I was seeing was another part of my AH, a part he was only able to express when he was drinking. I've since learned that's not the case. What he says, what he does, how he acts when he's drinking, that is NOT him. It is the disease, and it is NOT his 'inner self'. An alcoholic tells so many lies that even he can't tell what's true and what's made up.
Bottom line, you can't 'deal with' any of the A's behaviors. You can only try not to take it personally (not easy, I know), and detach yourself from the situation. You also say, "He has no feelings.". Oh, he has feelings, alright. They may be anger, guilt, hopelessness, who knows? But, whatever his feelings, he probably won't share them with you or anyone else. He probably won't even admit them to himself. Again, try not to take it as an attack on you. Give thatbproblem back to him and leave it there.

To quote Tom, "He's going to drink, what are YOU going to do?"

Keep coming back here and keep us posted, please! You sound like you know what needs to be done to start the healing for yourself. Just know that you aren't alone in this fight, we here are right behind cheering you on in this battle.

Denise

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I have found with my own situation that it had nothing to do with me personally and everything to do with my AH's guilt, shame, anger at himself and he used the anger to blame me for his stuff.

Hugs, I know it's not easy. Addiction is not personal towards us it is very personal to the addict. It's not what they do to us it's what they do to themselves.

Sending love and support, P :)

rara avis · Senior Member

Hi KimK,

So sorry to hear what you're going through. It hurts, for sure.

My ESH, for what it's worth, is this: when I was trying to practice detatching from my then - RA [ techinically sober but hooey acting out ] - I spent more and more time with friends. Fortunately I've never isolated, and ironically since my ex RA was never around, and/or often acting like a poopoohead, I could devote more of my spare time to seeing them. This made detachment so much easier. In addition, I recently kicked my ex out and WOW have my friends been REALLY wonderful!

However your situation turns out, focusing on you, and your own social circle, can work wonders.

Big blessings to you, KimK
rara avis

KimK · Veteran Member

Thank you all so much. Although I know I'm not alone in this situation, it's nice to reach out to others who understand. He is actually quite pleasant if he is home and drinking, which if he is, I leave. I try to limit my childs exposure as much as I possibly can. The hangover days aren't just tense, they are downright unbearable. That's what has gotten me so down on this day. I have read Getting Them Sober, but it was many years ago....I looked for it a few months ago, but it wasn't available on ebooks yet. I have a whole alanon library on my nook. I have that app for my phone to, so I always have something handy to read. I haven't read the Marriage on the Rocks book, but I like that passage....It very likely could be true. I don't expect him to quit drinking anymore....It just sucks to hear him on the phone, sober, being nice and pleasant to everyone else in the world, and treating me so poorly. I think I'm jealous....It just hurts a little. I did nothing to him...but he feels the way he feels...Not my issue... Thank you all so much. All this kindness really touched my heart. I can cry now, and they are tears of gratefulness, not tears for his insanity....

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

So glad you can have a good cry and feel it's for 'good'. My AH was sober for 15 years and I swear he was worse during those 15 years than he has been recently. He has always been a Jeckyl and Hyde person and he still doesn't understand when I say that I never know what I'm going to get with him. He'll reply with, "What do you mean? You knew exactly what you were getting. Insanity." Yep, but it's the unpredictability of his behavior that drives me crazy. One minute he's normal, the next minute he's screaming at me about how the internet's not working on his computer and it must be my fault. So, I learned to walk on eggshells and that's why I tell him that I never know what I'm going to get. Throw in his recent binges and the sorry behavior the day after, and I'm really thrown into a tailspin.

So, I totally get where you're coming from and I hope that you use those Al Anon tools to get you to a quiet and peaceful place!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello, I sure feel your pain in your words. Even though we "know" Al Anon when we are in the midst of the monster disease our minds are so clouded we need others.That's why we have groups, and don't just read books.

We all say the Jekyl and Hyde thing,roller coaster, oh but he is so nice when he is sober.

What if I leave and he gets better? He will always be A with all the nature that comes with it.

I had two babies, one rage, I got a restraining order. It's amazing how we get so sick that we take it almost as familiar. They break us down with their disease,with words actions to bring us down so they can control us.

We are incredulous, and wonder "wait a minute,how did I get here?" We get that gut wrenching realization, "I may really have to leave!" Then the but I love him or her comes. ugh.

I had mine leave.It took me MANY years to get to where I am in a healthy chapter of my life. I am a strong woman too.We don't even realize how sick we are.

We know their disease gets worse as the drug pickles all the cells in their bodies.Their brains are changing.Then out of nowhere this monster appears and our lives are unmanageable. It has been growing for a long time.

Anybody deal with this Jekyll/Hyde behavior effectively?

Look at what you asked. Is that insane or what? The one thing we do is work on us and not give that sick person any energy. How long can we carry this out before we just cannot stand it anymore? If you stay in the same place and a drip of water his hitting you. And hitting you and getting bigger, and bigger still hitting you,what are YOU going to do? That irritant does not care, it's not something you can fix,can you live with that drip drip drip.?

You have six months of school. So the reminder is, "One Day at a Time." Seriously. Maybe you can find a safe house? A friend or family you can go stay with to get away so you can breath. I am not saying forever but to regroup. You are so right, kids no matter what age are torn apart from this disease. I absolutely did not put up with it. First time he showed rage and unacceptable behavior I went to court got a RA. Did not see him for ten years.

You control you. I was there going to college with two kids,working full time too. I cannot imagine that drip,dripping on me on top of all that stress! I mean each moment is precious. We may not have another. So what is it about us we try to tolerate a drip?

hugs, glad you are here, debilyn

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Kim,

Welcome to MIP. I am so glad you found us too. Get cozy, welcome home! So many of us here completely understand what you are going through.

I am so glad you attend face to face meetings. You did not say whether or not you are being sponsored. For me that was key in really detaching and depersonalizing the disease. Reading books is great, going to meetings is good too, but working with my sponsor on an ongoing basis was the key to a new freedom and happiness.

So glad you are with us!

T

KimK · Veteran Member

Hi all Again, I appreciate all the kind words for you wonderful people. When I asked if anyone has dealt with the Jekyll/Hyde behavior effectively, I didn't mean, how to fix him or get him to stop. I was just looking for any tidbits of wisdom to help preserve my own sanity.

And Tommy, I do not have a sponsor, nor have I ever. I go to meetings, but just keep putting that off. I will rethink that. This is a wonderful site. Thank you all so much....Have a great evening all

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

We are glad you are here too. There is a pamphlet on sponsorship called "sponsorship, what its all about". It may answer a few questions for you.

In support,

T

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

What was even harder than the Jekyl and Hyde behavior were the times he was astonished at my resulting behavior - after some bouts of J&H I would be on edge, crying easy, not wanting to talk or do what he wanted and he didn't understand what MY problem was! He never, still doesn't to this day, could see the cause and effect of it all. I make myself remember (when he is being sweet or saying I miss you) how horrid it was to have the shower curtain thrown back and be cussed at for crying in the shower. I also make myself remember being in bed late morning just bawling at how awful he had been and how truly un-phased he was acting - it was a devasting fight to me but he was getting ready to go to a funeral and wondering why i wasn't coming with him. How he could compartmentalize everything - leave the mean behavior, go to a funeral and then return to the meanness was not a world I want any part of ever again.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.