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I am brand new to this, but have been reading posts since 4am. All of the posts have given me strength, thank you everyone! My AH left 3 days ago. I told him to go after weeks of him threatening to leave. He is on medication for depression which can not be combined with alcohol. Problem is he told his therapist and psychiatrist that he was only a social drinker. He has had very scary outbursts and the last one resulted in him breaking something in our home. He has never harmed me but gets mentallyabusive and then does not remember parts of it the next day. It would take me 10 pages to write how it has come to this, so in a nutshell I am to blame for 23 years of a horrible marriage (those are his words, not mine). It has not been horrible. We are both well known in our small community and people respect our large immediate familes. We have raised 2 amazing kids and I'm serious when I say we have parented together extremely well! Our children have grown up in a home where there has been an abundance of love. Although my husband has been a drinker since I've known him, but has an extremely high tolerance for it. His sibling says others in the family have this tolerance as well. Problem is, and I quote him, "If people try to bring up my drinking to me, I'm going to get rebellious!" This is in reference to involving his immediate family in what is going on. I have chosen to lay low and have only been in contact with his eldest sibling. Her advice was to make myself stronger, check out Al-Anon, and accept that I can not fight the booze.
The devastating partis that he tells me he loves me, says things like he is going to hit rock bottom, will probably cry about me every night, thinks I can do better, etc. etc. Obviouslyhis depression is still in full swing and the alcohol is making things much worse. I know I do not own any of his issues, but I am a fixer by nature. I'm the one in the family who is called upon to make things right and honestly I love having that role. My therapist recently reminded me that I was an enabler and that it was my choice to stay in my current situation or to rid myself of it. She also suggested AL-Anon. I chose to rid myself of it, but it is consuming me. Was it the right decision? Can I stay strong? What if it means we aredone forever? This man has been the love of my life and I want our marriage to last, or do I? We recently told our children who are both young adults. They are devastated, but then again we have only said that "Dad needs time to figure things out."
I'm lost...teach me where to go from here. I think I'm feeling strong right now since there have been no tears this morning. However, not knowing what he is doing, how he is, what he is thinking makes me crazy. I had abreakdown three years ago. I am so much better, but now I sometimes feel like I could slip back to that state again.
So again...TEACHMEplease, and thanks in advance for your time!
I'm sorry you are going through such a painful and difficult time. I am living with an active alcoholic, and i have two small children. I know how lonely, isolating, painful and confusing it can be. Al Anon has been amazing for me and has helped me handle my "nightmare" and become the kind of person and mother I want to be. Going to meetings and immersing myself in the program has helped me think more clearly, make solid decisions, and begin the gentle process of recovering myself. I'm glad you are reaching out for help. It gets better. Take care.
Without sharing my whole story, I felt compelled to offer you a sympathetic and understanding cyberhug! My AH was sober for 15 years, started drinking about a year ago and seemed to have a handle on it without crazy binge drinking.....until he started antidepressants over the summer. Of course, his depression was so much worse on the days after he would binge drink and I know he never put the equation together. He would drink until he passed out and had a much higher tolerance while on the meds. He has suffered from depression, anxiety, and anger issues since before we got married. I thought that it was all tied to his drinking and that when he quit, he'd get better and have a more positive outlook on life. WRONG! He quit but never used a program so he basically had all the qualities of a drunk, but just wasn't drinking. We've been married 16 years and have a 13 year old boy.
He recently had a binge episode where he was out of control plastered and chose to drive drunk at 1:30 AM to get more beer, even though he had beer here at the house. As far as I know, he hasn't had any alcohol since and he doesn't really want to talk about the episode with me right now so I haven't pushed. He actually went out and bought himself some non-alcoholic beer this past weekend, yet he hasn't thrown away his beer yet that's here in the house and I won't touch it. Anyway, my situation isn't the same as yours but I understand the issue with the anti-depressants. My AH is on Paxil and is taking Trazadone for sleep, which is also an a/d. Right now, things are good but I've also seen what he becomes when he mixes the a/d's with alcohol and I'm praying that he continues on this path because things have been so much better in our marriage.
I'm so sorry that your marriage has taken this turn. It can't be easy after all these years to be separated from the one you love, yet sometimes it's necessary for both parties to gain perspective and to learn how to heal. Can you find an al-anon meeting near you? My therapist is really pushing me to attend a meeting because she thinks I'd really benefit from them and once we're moved in to our new house, I fully intend to find a meeting. And, yes, we're moving this week into a new home and my AH is being totally calm about it so I'm so happy that he seems to be in a better place. Peace to you.
hi- this was absolutely- 100% the right decision- what he is doing is wrong- he cant help it but it is wrong- to blame eveyrhting on you and to put all his sickness on yu and to suck you down to that extent is not on- youve done 100% the right thing- you should not have to carry his pain on your shoulders. if someone is drowning thats sad- but they shouldnt grab an innocent bystander and suck them under too- because its just plain wrong. if he ever went to AA- all of this would be told to hima nd he would get given a program- just taking the mental abuse isnt going t help him anyways- though he thinks if he can dish it out all the time it will relieve his pain- it wont. good luck- look after yourself
I empathize with your story and commend your courage to seek help and share your story here. I, have been in a long term relationship with an active alcoholic who has stated that he has no intentions of giving up his drinking. He is a very successful person in his line of work and because of his success, he has been able to buy his way out of almost any negative situation that he has encountered. He did not let prostate cancer slow his drinking down much either; in fact, it gave him just another reason to continue down a destructive path. There are many facets to his personalty, and for some people, he only shows his good side. Sometimes, I can get very resentful of the fact that I am one of the lucky few that get to see a lot of his negative traits. I have allowed this person to blackmail me emotionally in agreeing to keep his secret about his drinking from his immediate family. While keeping the family in the dark about his disease, I became very resentful of his control over me. With the loving help of my alanon family, I now longer allow him to control me, and I will no longer keep his secret. If he was laying on the side of the road about ready to get run over by a car, would I let him lay there, just because he didn't want me to move him?
From a perspective point of view, I now realize that his whole family is very dysfunctional, and they already know about his drinking. They are in denial and as long as they do not have to have it flaunted in their face, they say and do nothing. I love this man, and cannot see my life living without him, but, there are days when I don't know how I can go on in it's current state. For all the financial success my A has achieved for himself, there is no written piece of paper with a guarantee of a financial future for myself. I have sat on the fence plenty of time...wondering to myself...why am I with this person? Should I move on? What will happen in ten years if I stay? Well, today I have learned that the past is history and the future is a mystery. And, all I am guaranteed is today.
Living one day at a time and knowing what it means has helped me to just accept what is. And when I do that, I don't have to worry about the future at the moment. I can enjoy the moment to it's fullest. While I keep the focus on myself...his defects and his problems do not seem so glaring as they once did. The healthier that I get, the more that I like myself...and he is attracted more to a happier me than a resentful, complaining, unhappy me.
Going to alanon meetings and sharing our ESH, is the key for my sanity. I hope it is for you as well. Hang in there.
Hi and welcome to MIP. I am glad you found us and I hope you are able to make it to face to face Al-anon meetings and in time find a sponsor that is what saved my life. There is a book that helped me immensly "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews. I am sending you courage, love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Welcome and I hope you will keep coming back and finding support here on the boards. Someone has already mentioned getting to a face to face meeting and I really encourage you to do so as well.
I completely empathize with the issue of the drugs and alcohol. My AH wound up with a DUI, however what you described leading up to it is pretty much what went down. I had never seen my AH so full of rage. It was very scary and I had kids to think about as well. Not to mention what he was doing to himself, it was a relief when the DUI hit. Things became apparent that all was not well.
There are more than one of us who have dealt with similar issues. It's not easy. With the help of the boards and alanon I am in a place I never thought I would be, so glad you have posted.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I must say my life really changed when I began to attend face to face meetings. I was strongly urged by my therapist to go many years ago. I decided to go because I wanted to get him off my back. I am so glad he kept on me because I would not have the life I have today unless I began attending face to face meetings.
So, please stick around and keep reading. I think you will find there is a warm place for you in our hearts here so welcome home! Listen for the similarities in the sharing. As we share, we encourage members to do so only from our experience, strength and hope and refrain from advice giving.
Thank you for sharing your experiences. They are so similar. My husband has never had an outrage as bad as his last one. (5 total over the last 3 months) I definitely could have called 911. He actually threw himself on the floor in front of our daughter too and said he couldn't control his emotions. It was awful.
Problem is, he manages to twist every situation around and blame it on me. I too avoid conversation etc. when he is drinking then he calls me a ****ing robot. I am not a doctor, but I know that his a/d and his alcohol our a lethal poison together. He has used the term himself. "I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster" he said the other day. Then will announce, "No that was 3 weeks ago, I'm over that now." This is so frustrating. Anyway, thanks again to you and everyone. Your words our giving me power to fight hard for myself.
