The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I think I already understand that I won't get advice here but maybe someone can offer me some wisdom...
There is an Al-Anon meeting near me this evening and I am considering attending for the first time (I am 33).
I would say that I carry a lot of pain about a number of drinkers in my mother's family, including my mother. In the past I too used to drink more than was healthy but I made a decision after Christmas two years ago to change my habits: for my own health and well-being, because I did not want to go down the same path as others before me and because I wanted to be a good role-model for family members. I went from being a little bit overweight to becoming very slim and fit, which resulted in me feeling great. 3 months ago I changed jobs and moved to a new country. I took the step to finally give up smoking just before I moved.
Recently, there has been some sadness and trouble in the family, which my Mum has been dealing with. My Grandmother has bi-polar and has been admitted to hospital followed by her discharging herself 3 days later. My Mum spent a week with her prior to the admission and left feeling angry and frustrated, I think, that she was not able to 'fix' things. I had two very difficult skype conversations with my Mum where she had had way too much to drink and basically vented to me about her anger towards her mother and siblings. My Aunts and Uncle do very little to help my Grandmother even though two live close (my Mum lives 500 miles away). I believe this is because they have deeply complicated relationships with my Granny, and it is because they are not able to (self-preservation). My Mum just thinks they are all very selfish.
I could go on for pages and pages about the different issues there are... I believe my Mum is in denial about how all of the problems in her family affect her life. She uses 'being stressed' as an excuse to drink. She holds down a well-respected and high-powered job but 'comforts' herself with wine. Her husband (my step-father) supports her drinking by handing her a glass of wine when she comes throught he door at night.
And for me... I have made so many positive changes but I have started to comfort eat and have the occasional binge, which is very concerning because I had developed very healthy attitudes and habits towards food. I have had a stressful time settling into my new job and that, coupled with giving up smoking, and also experiencing family pain AGAIN, I think is what is causing the problem eating. I have always been aware that I am suseptible to addiciton, and have to be careful whether it be alcohol, nicotine, food or caffeine. Now I guess, because I no longer smoke, I have very little else to hide behind which is why I think I am turning back to food.
I am currently not interested in speaking to my Mum (she does not know this) because she has been pretty wasted for three out of the last four conversations. She and other family members who also drink are visiting me for Christmas. After an upset last Christmas (My Mum and Aunt drinking together and crying over family) I told my Mum how worried I was about her drinking. I was surprised that she actually seemed to hear me as I expected denial. BUT, I do not believe things have changed. I wish I could help her.
I want to be making the most of my life. After being in a relationship for 10 years (to a guy who was pretty troubled with depression), I have been single for the last 3. I am not without hope that I will meet someone but I hope I can learn to live with myself a bit better before then so that I don't repeat past behaviour e.g. staying in an unhappy relationship.
One of my new very good friends here attends AA meetings, and it is through talking to her that I thought maybe Al-Anon can help me. I am desperately worried about my Mum, and feel sometimes, an unbearable sadness about members of my extended family (Granny, one Aunt and a cousin in particular). I want to learn how to manage my own life better but I am scared.
From what I know of this program, and what I have seen in its benefits.... it is a program that helps us deal with life. As it is based around having an alcoholic or an addict in our life, that is the focus, but it will benefit anyone at any stage in my opinon. It is a life program.
Alanon is a recovery program for all who live or have lived with the problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend.
I do believe that could be applied to everyone on the planet.
Please find the face to face meeting and attend. You will break the isolation, learn new tools to interact in the world and learn how to focus on yourself in a healthy and constructive manner
I am also 33 and reading through your post, I see a lot of things we have in common. I think you'll find on this board and at meetings, that you are really not alone and that there is a lot of hope.
Alanon has been so very helpful to me. I've been in counseling for a while, but only working through Alanon for about 6 months now. I've been able to experience tremendous positive changes in my life. The face to face meetings are very helpful and a very important part of the process. This board is also wonderful, and there are a number of great books.
I was nervous before my first meeting, and actually I probably get nervous almost every time, but I am always thankful that I go. I found that it's a very welcoming environment, very accepting and supportive. Just the kind of people I need to surround myself with. You don't even have to share with the group if you don't want to, you can just listen.
Change is scary, but for many of us, not changing is even scarier.
Hi and welcome to MIP. It defintiely sounds like you come from a family with alcoholism. I hope you make it to some Al-anon meetings and in time find a sponsor. I too have an eating disorder since my childhood which is triggered with stress. It sounds like you have great awareness and I hope you take care of yourself and stick around and read some Al-anon literature. I am sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I hope you will go or you did. There is so much hope and you are not alone. That was a huge step to realize that other people from all kinds of backgrounds were dealing with the same issues I was.
Welcome and I hope you keep coming back,
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Yes, I think alanon would be a tremendous support to you. I do so hope you attended the meeting. If not, perhaps one day you may find the love, peace, and understanding of the face to face meetings as a gift that is always waiting for you should you seek it.
Thank you so much everybody for your kindness and support. I found the building that the meeting is in, but not the room! There was another event going on and I bottled out of asking someone. I know it took courage to get that far, and I will do it again, this time by making contact first and making sure I can get in. I took a long walk back to the train station, and was not hard on myself for not getting in.
My Mum called last night, and she was very cheerful, and pretty sober, I think. I couldn't offer her the same cheeriness back because I still have in mind what I have heard in previous recent conversations, and I was feeling emotionally exhausted. We only spoke for 8 minutes (usual time between 30-60 mins). We actually share a fair amount, and she will know something is wrong with me, but I don't know if it is a good idea to share my pain with her.
I took comfort in food last night but am developing strategies to manage this newfound problem! I am writing down how I feel to avoid shutting it away, trying to be easy on myself, and looking for positive ways to occupy my time.
And staying on a positive note, I have some very supportive friends (and new supporters on here too!). I will Skype with an old friend from home tonight who knows the background, and my friend here can find out how I get into the meeting next week!!
Thank you again, and I send all who read this warmth and good feelings
Oh your post made me laugh I'm so sorry, I remember recently a meeting I went to, .. first I drove to the wrong church it was the right church it just so happened it had been YEARS since I had been to that meeting .. so find the church and then couldn't find my way in. The building has 6 entrances none of which I needed it was the 7th that I couldn't find. I DID find the meeting eventually there was no way I was headed home after that .. lol.
I hope you will be able to make the meeting next week I understand how frustrating when the will is there however the meeting is hidden!! You can count on good anonymity as no one will know. :)
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
