The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm holding to my boundary that the kids cannot be in the car with AH driving. Over the course of the past year, I've asked twice that he not drink then drive the kids. He is able to do that for awhile, then he goes right back to drinking then driving the kids.
AH has shown me what he is going to do, so I had to decide what I was going to do.
I have chosen to be the driver for our children. It doesn't matter if AH is obviously drinking or not, I will drive.
When I held to that boundary today, AH told me ****-off, then figuratively threw everything at me: I only want money. I'm holding the kids against him. My head isn't on straight. Nothing I say makes sense.
The kids and I did exactly what we had planned today. I invited AH to join us. He refused. I didn't fight back. I remained calm and quiet. The day went on without him.
As we went about our day, what no one saw was the weight of the world on my shoulders and the knot in heart. It is hard for me to stand up to anyone--even a waitress bringing me the wrong meal. It is even harder standing up to someone I love. I'm good at being a doormat. In fact, I am a professional doormat and an expert on all sorts of muds being wiped on me. It is new for me to stand up and become the tapestry on the wall. It is hard for me to say, "That is unacceptable and I will not accept the unacceptable." This new role is uncomfortable and strange. I'm not used to this newly developed side of myself.
So, tonight, I am very very tired.
-- Edited by Very Very Tired on Saturday 5th of November 2011 09:14:35 PM
I am proud of you and it is a great boundary to hold dear to, it's your kids safety! I am very happy to hear that you are working a solid program and take care of yourself also! Sending you love and support! Keep up the great work!!!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
((((VVT)))) Aloha...I agree cause it was that way for me too. Anything new; every new change and practice that is different than what I have been doing for a long time is hard, seemingly impossible, scary, uncomfortable and very worth practicing. Your practice has paid off. By the way it is very much the same for him also and the thought of change for him will do the same to him including make him angry and frustrated also. My alcoholic addict wife blamed just as I did. She warred with me and with herself as I did. That is the insanity of the disease. However you held to the boundary and decision for yourself...you're doing what is right for you and for the safety of the children...you are being responsible and that is how the program works and we keep working it because it works. Get some literature and take a hot soak. I don't do the soak but the literature and an open mind and the willingness to learn sure does wonders for this old member. (((((hugs)))))
It's hard to remember to get up off the floor especially when it comes to trying to lay down a boundary. You are the responsible parent, primary parent, however you want to put that regardless of his behavior. It is soooo worth the pay off when it comes to kids safety. I applaud you for sticking hard and fast to your boundaries. It's hard to stick to them once they are set, you are working such an amazing program your posts give me courage to know what I know and know what I need to do for myself as well as my own children.
Sending you love, support and hugs,
P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
You did great to stick to your boundaries - you're a fantastic mom and a great example to your kids. It's hard to get out of one's comfort zone and be bold when it's not in one's nature - (as I know too well) - but it gets easier with practice. Sending you esh!
It is hard work to step out of your comfort zone. Please don't let him wear you down. Find your strength in your Higher Power. He/She/It has boundless energy for you to draw from. I am conflict avoidant too believe it or not. I get real defensive and come out swinging when challenged these days, but that is only after 3 years in recovery. It's either say nothing or scream at a person for me when I have to draw limits. Trying to find balance.
You did good VVT. I hope you did not let the verbal abuse slung at you sink in. I wonder if it might help to have a standard response to your husband to avoid the round and round and to help you detach and get away quicker. Something like "It's not about you honey, it's about your alcoholism. Love you." I know he'll have come backs and rants to that too but at least your response can stay the same. Others here will probably say no response is best when he is actually drinking. Dunno. Just an idea.
((((TT)))) You are an inspiration to me as well! Sticking to a boundary is extremely hard for me; especially if it involves effort on my part. You reminded me how much more I need to work on. I have a problem w/ my A driving as well. Driving in traffic regardless if he has been drinking or not, will make him very agitated, and he will start to get aggressive with his driving. He seems to get exasperated especially if he perceives that someone in another car is an aggressive driver (driving fast; weaving in and out of traffic). I can remember plenty of times in the past when I would scream at him to slow down and drive responsibly, which fell on deaf ears. Sometimes I felt like I was sitting next to Satan himself. I know that I need to set a boundary somehow to not put myself in this situation. But, I trick myself into thinking that it's not going to happen today, and, a lot of times, I am right. Then, all it takes is one moment for a temper to flare up, and, I am at his mercy once again; putting my life at risk. I love how you are sticking to your guns and setting boundaries. I hope that I can do that for myself someday. (((Hugs))))
In all honesty, I really don't feel like I can be the inspiration for anyone. I feel completely torn apart. I know this is a boundary I need to do. I know it was time to do it. But, I feel horrible right now.
Never in my life did I think the man who told me he always loved me and would never stop loving me would one day stand in the parking lot of a church and hurl profanities at me because I told him our daughter was riding with me. I know it is the disease. I know I don't need to wait until he wraps his car around a tree or gets a DUI or whatever before I take action to protect the kids.
I know it is not normal to find beer cans in the bathroom cabinet. I know it is not normal for liquor bottles in the basement to slowly empty as if they had a hole in the bottom of them. I know it is not normal for someone to drink 12-24 cans of beer everyday. I know it is not normal for someone to sneak Southern Comfort into a movie theater when he is watching a movie with his kids. I know it is not normal.
As horrible as it sounds, there is a part of me that just wants to start drinking with him again, to become the wife he wants. It was easier then. I didn't hurt so much because I couldn't feel.
This boundary stuff is really hard. Now is the time to lean on my sponsor and my HP to get through because I can't do it alone.
So, please, don't make me your inspiration. That is holding me in too high regard. If you saw my insides, you wouldn't be inspired.
-- Edited by Very Very Tired on Sunday 6th of November 2011 09:32:39 PM
Inspired because you do this day in and day out and STILL keep going even if your insides don't match your outside. You ARE going to be ok even if right now it doesn't feel as if you can see the forest because of the trees. You still choose to continue to do what is best and do the best that you can even when things don't feel great, good or even basically ok.
Inspired because of people like you the program continues to say, it works if you work it. You are working it sister friend even if the tunnel is dark there is a light on the other side, it is the others who have gone before and the rest of us who fight the same struggles every day.
Hugs, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
It's how the program works VVT...you feel tired and exhausted and share it and your story and that helps others. I've always been amazed at how it works and sooooo very grateful that it does. (((hugs)))
Believe it or not, one of these days you'll have to change your moniker to "Very Very Energized."
I know what it feels like to be exhausted. I had been in that state for years (married 36 years). But once I began to put the program into practice, I noticed how much energy I began to have.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
VVT - your actions can be inspiring. A huge part of this recovery thing is doing things that don't "feel right" but that you know ARE right. We all know this doesn't feel good for you. It's gut wrenching. You just "doing the next right thing" and doing it 1 day at a time is what recovery is all about. You are starting to do that. I can see it working. NO...it's not going to feel good. It feels crappy.....but, you are walking through it with all the support alanon offers. That is inspirational.
Also VVT - I doubt you are used to compliments since you have been in this relationship and describe yourself as so worn out. It is okay to give yourself permission to be looked up to and to really receive a compliment.
I am inspired by your strenth because I wish I could be as direct with my spouse, who drove with my four yr old daughter in the car. Instead of setting a clear boundry, as you did, I just make sure not to put my kids with him when i think he will be drinking and driving. I am keeping my kids safe, but I haven't come up with the courage yet to state the boundry clearly. I'm terrified to do that. Instead I try to "control" the situation in other ways. Very different. I hear that you're in a lot of pain, but your strenth will stay with me so I can speak up, like you have, when I'm ready. Reading your share has helped me feel a little less fearful of speaking a difficult truth to my husband. Thank you for that. I hope you're feeling better today.
What great feedback on how you have inspired the board. Use it as a platform to uplift and support you during this exhausting time. Believe the love you are getting back from the forum and use it as your anchor to take the next right step for you and your children.
Thank you, everyone, for popping the balloons at my pity party. I needed to be pulled out of my swamp of despair. It was starting to overwhelm me. I had forgotten that I only need to take this one day at a time. And when one day at a time is too overwhelming, I can take it one minute at a time.
pinkchip, You are right. I don't take compliments well. I either don't feel worthy of a compliment or I allow the compliment to swell my head with pride. I am learning that I can not control what someone thinks of me--good or bad. It matters what I think of me.
My therapist told me that "feeling crappy" and uncomfortable, as you mentioned pinkchip, when I choose an action is probably a good indication that I am moving in the right direction. It is all so counter-intuitive to what I've been doing for all these many years.
I am feeling a little better today. AH is out of town on business. I look at it as my HP giving me a little break, though with AH's history of cheating, each trip comes with its own anxiety baggage. I can either mope and groan and obsess over the things I can't control, or I can get up and live today. For this minute, I'm choosing to live.
