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I wrote about my husbands anger and lack of attention yesterday and so many people helped with everything they wrote. I have been reading and going to meetins trying to learn how to handle the life I have right now and it is so hard.
I have been trying to understand the way my husband is being right now and not take it so personally. A week ago he was fine. There are two things that I believe are going on this week:
1. This week we have decided to talk to a lawyer and try and get our financial house in order, which looks like will be a bankruptcy. Which is something that was created three years ago. I was the bookkeeper for my fathers companys and our company. I went into a deep depression trying to handle the alcholism and how our financial life was plummeting really fast. 3 years ago i ended up in the psychiatric ward and our whole mess of a life finally came out to my family and everyone else. Basically , my family turned on us and i was fired. My grandfather forclosed on the house that he held our mortgage on. My father evicted my husband from his office. I took ownership of my part of this but my father never did It was really bad. And it was very painful for my whole family and my husband is very angry and can't let this go.Since then he have closed our business. I know there was alot of stuff that i did wrong and i have apologized but i can't fix or change the past.
2. When we owned our business my mother put two business bills on her personal credits which is something that he didn't want her to do. She did it becuase things were falling apart and she was trying to cover up so that my stepfather who was part of the business didn't freak out. So now I believe that we should pay on the credit card that was used. Which my husband disagrees with. Since we are basically filing for bankruptcy and getting rid of all of our debt from our personal finances and business , I fell like this is the one company bill that we should pay back
So every since we decided to file bankruptcy, met with the lawyer and discussed my mothers credit card, he has been angry, distant and acting like he used to when he was drinking. I realize that alot of nasty stuff happened and we both screwed up our lives but why can't he come to grips with this and leave it in the past. I refuse to let my past ruin my future. We both have done wrong and i have worked through it.
here are my questions:
1. why can't he look at this situation and see how what part he had in all of this? And how can he still after three years let this go and move on. And not blame me anymore.
2. Can him trying work through his bad feelings for all of these mess be why he is being so distant and weird?
I realize that i shouldn't try to figure out what he is doing and work on myself but i am going crazy right now. I am on edge and am filled with anxiety. I put a note in my god box letting him take this situation over but his distance and non affection is really hurting me.
((((a fares)))) Wow, you've been fighting battles on a lot of fronts. no wonder you're on edge! I'm glad to hear you're going to meetings and to see you posting here. I'm going to quote Tom here and ask you this, "he's going to drink, what are YOU going to do?". I know it's hard not think about why he does it, what triggers it, when it will happen next, but it really doesn't matter. He's going to drink. Just take that for a given, then start focusing on YOU.
You've probably heard it said that the A is addicted to alcohol and the partner is addicted to the A. We have an addiction, too, and ,as with any addiction, it takes work to over-come it. It sounds like you are really working on that by going to meetings, reading, coming here.
And as to your god box note: a lot of times I realize that my HP WAS giving me the answer, I just didn't want to hear it. But that's just me.
Keep us posted, and take care of yourself!
Denise
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"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
1. why can't he look at this situation and see how what part he had in all of this? And how can he still after three years let this go and move on. And not blame me anymore.
2. Can him trying work through his bad feelings for all of these mess be why he is being so distant and weird?
Hugs Afares,
Ohhh I am sooo sorry this has piled up you said some very wise things at the very end of your post
"I realize that i shouldn't try to figure out what he is doing and work on myself"
It's not up to you to work his program OR take his inventory of what part he should be taking, I WOULD be calling your sponsor to work through some of this stuff. IF you have one, if not then it would be good to find one at this point. What I'm hearing from you is fear and that is something only YOU can address.
There is a great read in C2C about going to the hardware store looking for bread. He's processing things, he may not be processing things the way YOU think he should and he can't give you even basic affection I'm not saying that is right however we all process at different levels. It's more important to focus on YOU. Expectations lead to premeditated resentments. You are expecting him to relieve your insecurities about your relationship and just based upon what you wrote he can't. It would be easy to sit and speculate all day long about the whys and it really doesn't matter why it matters more what are YOU going to do for YOU at this point.
I also agree with not wanting to hear what my HP is telling me .. lol .. I get the "sign" look at it and say umm .. can you give me another one? LOL? I have found that if I get back to working my program and I stop focusing on my AH then things become a lot clearer to me.
Hugs it DOES get better, however not only do we have to forgive others around us (that is about us not them per say) it's more important to forgive ourselves.
Hugs p :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
i know when my mum first became sober- remaining sober consumed all of her energy and focus- they really do battle with themselves an awful lot. you dont know what his program is- he may be being told that his energys and focus needs to go to sobriety above all else. he is probably battling his demons- is prone to illogical thinking and on an emotional roller coaster ride. i think you are expecting a lot from him at this time- may i say? i know it must be frustrating- youve waited all this time for him to sober up and now you are wishing him to be instantly normal. and its a shock when you find that they dont miraculously recover and give back to you all that youve missed out on. i think this bakruptcy and his recovery program at the same time can quickly be overwhelming- and its so easy for us- who has never had a drink problem to that extent to wonder whats going on. in my experince- the first year of my mum being sober was a tough emotional roller coaster. if it was me- id get the bankruptcy order done and draw a line under the whole thing. its a sad fact of life- sometimes we let our family members down but the best we can do - to make up fr this is to try better in the future. i think the best gift yu could give your mum is for you both to get settled a stable. it will take a while for family wounds t heal-
Thank you everyone! And rosie, i really appreciate the honesty you gave me. i don't have a sponsor yet and i need someone to put me in my place once in a while. LOL! I want everything better now and this waiting taking time to fix things is very hard to me. I have the mindset that things will be ok, no matter what goes on but i think it is unfair for me to expect him to feel the same way.
So sorry for what you're going through. I relate as I am struggling on two fronts myself - the wreckage my AH caused, and extreme damage to my relationship with my family, who are furious at him (and by extension, at me for having married him).
As to why he can't see his part in the situation - It could be that he does, but , now that he is sober, he is having lots of trouble coming to terms with it, and won't admit it to you. I'd think that once an alcoholic has some sobriety, they must feel pretty lousy once they really realize what their actions caused. My AH got himself fired from a good job he worked hard to get. This was entirely due to his drinking. I've spent hours seething at this and how he allowed himself to be so irresponsible. But I honestly don't know how he is processing this, and I don't ask. As rosie said, early sobriety can be a real roller coaster, when someone is only starting to come out of the fog.
As for your second question - yeah, my guess would be that he is trying to work through all this, and it is manifesting itself by his distancing. He could very well be thinking that normally, this type of stress would trigger him to drink. The reflex response to stress for all these years has been to pick up a drink at the first sign of stress - now he isn't doing that (which is a good thing). He could be dealing with that frustration.
I still get angry that I haven't yet gotten a real heartfelt apology from my AH for everything his drinking caused. But I realize it may be too much to expect. Making amends is probably one of the hardest things for them to do. The most important thing however is that you don't let this get to you too much. Sure it's hard, but try to remember he has to go through whatever process he needs to continue being sober. And you need to take care of yourself and realize that, regardless of his actions, you can be ok.
The questions "Why can't he...?" "Why doesn't he...?" "What can I do to make him realize...?" Those are the ones that plague me. Those are the ones that make me sick. There are no real answers to those questions for you. Only he knows them. I know if my entire inlaw's family was intimately aware of what a screw up I was and was all up in my business while I was trying to move on, I would start to get angry, resentful and it would start spilling over to my significant other. I can't say if this is the case for you and him...nobody can say for sure but him.
So, the energy you spend thinking and agonizing over those questions is better spent on productive endeavors. I guess what I hear is a lot of murky boundaries between the entire family with regard to relationships and finance. It will be a struggle to turn those boundaries healthy. Try hard to focus on the positive and what you can actually do different. Thinking and wondering why is not living in the solution. I am really sorry you are going through this. Nobody plans for these life messes and low points. It will get better. It will likely get better even faster if you can stay focused on you and your positive actions while pushing away negative and catastrophic thoughts about him.
You know for me I was "asleep" for many years not being able to see my part in the process as well. Working the steps with my sponsor in Alanon really woke me up to the person I really was as a participant in my marriage and owing my responsibilities in the failures.
In our literature there is a reading that talks about "I came, I came to, I came to believe" speaking on steps 1-3. I can only help myself first and there is no guarantee that my spouse will see his part in the process. But I am the one with a recovey program. When I take my hands off others and cease trying to change or show them their part, I am free.
