The material presented
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level.
I participate on this board and the Adult Children's - my mom is the alcoholic. My spouse is not an alcoholic but does have those behaviors and has a compulisve/addictive personality. So I struggle with being in a relationship with that because of my childhood learned behaviors.
Work has been absolutely crazy, my mom had her surgery, my spouse and I started a "trial back together" and of course during all that I stopped taking care of me... I'm trying to keep the focus on me but growing up ACoA makes that hard. Don't get me wrong - I think about what I want/need I rarely take action on it. I just stew and sometimes become immobilized. I assume that's fairly common?
Last night I was proud of myself though. My husband had announced he was going to some "class" to learn to navigate through the woods without a map or trails. He's become overly interested (in my opinon) in disaster survival. Reads about it, goes to camps, buys things for it etc. It's forefront on his mind. He feels he needs to be prepared. For me it's become difficult because it's pretty much what he's always interested in. But I know it's his thing and I am trying not to focus... just trying to provide info on this board. Anyway, (LOL) back to last night, he was supposed to go on his latest adventure - he did ask my daughter and I if we had wanted to go, but no, I was not interested nor was she. I love the outdoors but in a different way. He woke up feeling sickly yesterday so he canceled his trip that morning. I had told my daughter earlier in the week that we'd have a girls night since he would be gone and take her to a movie.
He came home early and went to bed. I had said earlier that I would cook dinner - work had ran very very late (long story) so there wasn't going to be time to fix dinner. He started getting irritated with me because we were going to the movie but he was home.... I asked him if he'd like to go with us and he said no. He started getting reallly short with me and my daughter. I offered to get him something to eat and apologized for having to work late. He said no. I said, "Ok, we're going to go" and we left. The first thing out of my daughter's mouth when we got into the car was "What is up with him?" "Do you ever think I'm more mature than daddy?" I did not prod her or ask her anything... she came up with that on her own. In the past I would have canceled my plans just to ease his temper/mood. This time I did not and I had so much fun with my daughter! We saw the movie Footloose and watching her enjoy it was what I needed.
I did still feel irritated and angry during the movie but I DID NOT let his anger change my plans.
Woot woot .. soooo glad you went and did your thing!!
Great way to work your program. Hey if he's into survival stuff something tells me he can figure out what to eat in the kitchen .. lol .. we have those nights too, they are called anything goes.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
have you got any brothers or sons? this is what boys are like isnt it? and men are always still boys- they love all of that stuff dont they- interests to them take n special meanings....hobbies for a boy is close to the heart i think. i think its really nice he is doing this- its a healthy activity. my son has a friend who is a washing machine spotter- yep- not trains or planes but washing machines...i think....thats cool. im a acocac whatever it is- adult child thingy. i too find it easier to abstain- refrain and deny. lately thugh- ive been cooking really good nutritious food and its been making me feel a lot better. think this is good. people pleasing is a big one with me...and feeling slighted and hurt- and watching out for hurts all the time....thats a big one too.
Rosielee- I have two brothers and a father and none of them have "hobbies" like that... or obsessions or anything like that. They are just guys but with no extreme anything so this is why this is so hard for me. I've never known a man to be so obsessed with any one thing.
I think we all know the answer to your daughter's question!!
Thanks so much for sharing, that made me laugh! No ESH from me for this situation. But it sounds like you've got your toolbelt on straight and your kid sounds like a blast.
Well, the day after my going to the movie - he was in pretty good spirits - we did housework together. I thought, hey - I did what I should have and things went on ok.... That day was ok. The next day he had to go out of town on a business trip for a night. I could tell he was annoyed. He exuded irritability but I figured I'd let him tell me what was bothering him. It's his responsibility to share his thoughts, emotions, correct? When he arrived where his trip was he sent me a text saying that he was miffed that we hadn't talked this weekend. It is true that I had agreed that we should talk this weekend but neither of us, including me of course, initiated talking about things that are going on. He didn't have to leave at the time he did on Sunday - he was driving - he had control of that. He could have talked... He's angry because I don't come to him to initiate the conversations - but he's the one that feels the need to "assess where we are" in our trial being back together. He brought up the movie thing friday night and how angry he was about that. I tried to remind him that he was going to be out of town that night so I had made other plans with our daughter. I hadn't told him about them because he wasn't going to be there. I overcommited myself when he said he wasn't going out of town because he didn't feel well - I said I would cook dinner... I NEVER should have and I apologized for that. But I am NOT sorry that I stuck to my plans with my daughter. I"m tired of being beat up for it emotionally.
My dilemma is I finally did what I should for myself and there was still fallout... how do I not focus on that? How do I let go of the anger towards his reaction? Logically I know what I did was ok but emotionally I have that need to prove to him that I was right and change his mind. I know that is not my job and I know that I only have to be ok with me and my decisions but this is sooooo hard.
-- Edited by amills4294 on Monday 7th of November 2011 08:56:35 AM
So glad that you took all the right actions, and then continued on with your plans. 