The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband (16 months sober) and I are going through a very difficult time right now and it is leaving me lost and very lonely. He has been very withdrawn lately and no longer is very into our relationship which we have been trying to rebuild. We have began to deal with the financial mess that we have gotten into since his addictions really became apparent. In the past when we have discussed our finances he gets into this place where all the blame goes on me. He hasn't done this lately and now he started with it two nights ago. He blames me for a lot of it and tells me sometimes he hates me which is devastating to hear. These comments are all the same thing that he said to me around the time when we split up for 4 months. So, when he started again, it brought me to my knees. How can he say he loves me then say this stuff. Since, he started this again I have tried not to hound him about his feelings and let him go through whatever he is going through and work on what he needs to work on. While I work on me, But it kills me when he lays in bed at night and won't even come near me. I feel lonely, lost and devastated right now and am afraid that we are going to loose our marriage. I am trying to trust god and be assured that he is in control and will help me through this but it is so hard when I feel my life slipping away again.
Welcome to MIP, and glad you found us.... You'll find tons of us on here that can definitely relate to that whole "I love you, I love you, I hate you" insanity, that both active addicts, as well as hurting people - often do....
There is a great old saying out there - "He will either drink (or be mean, or deflect, or brood, or lash out) or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
Choose recovery.... for YOU. Coming here is a great first step.... Going to face-to-face meetings will help you even more.... Reading great literature (Getting Them Sober - volume one - written by Toby Rice Drews) will help as well...
The reality is that alcoholics/addicts don't immediately get better, even after they stop using.... AA is a cleansing of the body, mind, and spirit..... He has tons of stuff he is going through, but that is HIS recovery.... Early sobriety is tough on relationships, even moreso when one's focus is on the other one.... If you can put your energy and focus on what YOU need, in your recovery, it will be time well spent..
Take care, and keep coming back
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Blamming us for their problems is all to common, it's part of the disease. It's hard, but try your best to not take it personally. You don't mention whether he has a program or is attending AA. If he isn't, I hope he makes a decision to seek the help and support AA can offer him in his recovery. Regardless of his decision the best thing you can do for yourself is what Tom suggested by continuing your recovery. Your life can and will change for the better. Keep coming back....your not alone in the disease anymore.
If he's attending AA I hope you will find some relief in attending alanon. You did not mention if you had support or dealing with this on your own.
So many posts lately I hear myself in, I understand what you are talking about, it's really not about you it's about whatever he's going through and it's not fair. Through alanon (meetings, reading and sponsor) you can get the tools you need to keep the focus on you, know what your issue, what is not and what is yours together. Set boundaries for appropriate behavior for yourself and know when to address something and when to let it go.
I just know in my own relationship I only have to own (be responsible) the part that is mine, it doesn't matter if it's 1% or 99.9% I only have to take on what is mine. That took a HUGE burden off of me to figure that out. I'm not responsible for my AH's choice to recover or not, I did not cause it, I can't control it and I will not cure his issues. I have enough of my own stuff to deal with without the burden (and yes it is a burden to fix another human being) of doing that too.
You are not alone in this journey, I hope you will keep coming back and posting, get to know us while we have an opportunity to know you as well. The first steps are always the hardest just keep coming back.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I hope you are able to make it to face to face Al-anon meetings and find a sponsor. That is the best decision I ever made and after a few meetings I knew I was where I belonged. Also the book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews was immensly helpful. I hope you take care of yourself and your recovery. Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Do you have a program set for you?? (alanon step work) I would suggest that first and foremost!! Also im just starting to read the book Codependacy No More.. I really like it so far!! And as i can relate to how u are feeling I would recomend checking that out!!! Really I cant put this book down!!!
Do you have the book getting them sober. The author has lots of advice about early sobriety. We all tend to get our hopes up. One of my former roomates was in early sobriety. She was very difficult to live with and had a real sense of entitlement. She had her fellowship running around her day and night giving her rides, feeding her and paying her bills. She was absolutely totally dependent on others for everything and loved it. Another was a counselor at a detox center and he drank a lot! He claimed he did not have an issue with it since his issue was drugs. He ended up having a huge fight with his wife while drunk and claimed none of it was his fault! (That was why he was the roommate with me since she left him). When I told him I didn't drink he was astounded and could only conclude I had to be an addict otherwise how could I not drink!
For some people sobriety is indeed a time when they mend fences, get to grips with all their issues. Some people hover around the physical sobriety part and keep it at that. Not everyone works the steps.
I can have really big illusions about what it means to be sober. Alcoholics tend to create them because they have had to be so masterful at manipulation to get by with their disease. Giving up manipulating is one of the hardest things to do right up there with controlling.
I was and have been devastated by lots of things alcoholics say. Now I am not. I expect it. I have gained great solace from Getting them Sober.
Afares, Deep breaths....try not to catastrophize....try not to panic. Bring the world back into focus. I have felt the way you are describing. It helped me to remember that I would go on even in the awful event that my relationship ended. It helped me to remember that even if the other person did blame me for all kinds of crap...that didn't make it true. It helped me to realize that while there were no guarantees on having the same romantic partner forever, there was a guarantee that God would never leave me.
So, hope this aids you through what you are going through.
Mark
-- Edited by pinkchip on Friday 4th of November 2011 05:13:09 PM
Thank you everyone for all your kind words. He has been sober for around 18 months and is in AA. I have been in and out of alanon, never really committing to it 100% which I am trying to change. I am having alot of issues with isolation and not really getting active in alanon. I am scared to call people, scared to ask someone to be my sponsor and just overwhelmed but I know that I need somethig to change.
I realize that there is so much I need to change about myself but that involves dealing with alot of painful issues growing up with an alcoholic father and our relationship and pain from my husbands addiction. I know I am not any healthier than he is but I don't feel like I need to put him down because of this.
I am so lost right and so scared!
I know for me, I take the you just do what you need to do .. if you are going to meetings committing to reading the lit it WILL get better. As you get more courage you will find out what you need to do in order to reach out. There is no time table there are no "musts" in alanon. The first phone call is the hardest and then each one after that it just starts to get easier. I don't know why that little phone seems to weigh 500lbs.
It really will get better just keep coming back here, posting and reading.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
And I don't understand how someone who was so good about saying I love u and kissing me before he left somewhere can barely stand to kiss me . Just now he left the house to go meet his sponsor and he kissed me on the cheek and so I grabbed him and kissed him on the lips. You would of thought I just did the worst thing possible. He looked at me like I had 10 heads. Little things like that are just tearing me apart! What is this all about??
Welcome (((afares))) It should reassure you to see all the people who have answered your post. We are people who have been there, right there where you are now. Most of us are still struggling every day to find our own way. You are not alone. You are not powerless. And here you'll find a whole squad of folks, cheering every triumph with you, suffering through every setback.
I would only say to you is to really listen to the advice given above. Do what you need to do to help you. and keep coming back!
As to the good-bye kiss? it's probably not you that he is disgusted with, it's probably himself.
Take care of yourself.......
Denise
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"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
Sobriety brings out the shame and guilt for past behaviors , and he is having a tough time dealing with it , its not you and occasionally alcoholics become impotent in recovery , it will pass eventually . be patient , keep your expectations low work on your own program and you will be just fine .. and dont miss the good days worrying about what is going on with him .. its his stuff leave it with him where it belongs. We have a book called Dilema of the alcoholic marriage it deals with sobriety and there is alot on communication also our book Living with sobriety is awsome it will help. Louise
this is familiar to me- i think its because they just dont want to take responsability. they taken it for th drinking...and what else fdo they have to accept? surely they can shift some of it onto another person. but its a big part of recovery- or gr owing up- to accept responsability. my mum still does it now..and shes been sober 20 plus years- she doesnt blame me for her losing her houses any more.....but often she decides not to see things, or makes convenient realities up for herself. i think on the small things its easy to accept where youve dne wrong- but on the big things its hard...how could i have done that> how could i have been that bad? but you have to own your own stuff and not shift the blame onto other people. hell get there im sure. im sure people at AA wont let him get away with that kind of stuff too.
If you want to get to the bottom of "what's this all about" get a sponsor and use them by working the 12 steps. I assure you that the secrets we keep locked inside are the ones that are keeping us sick. I have the privilege of sponsoring many women over the years. My experience is that the things most people are scared of sharing with another human being are not that unusual at all. Progress in the program is to constantly move forward. To me it sounds like you have hit a plateau by going to alanon meeting here and there and having an exposure to the literature. The true magic happens through sponsorship and working all of the 12 steps to find your new freedom and happiness. It will be the best journey you have ever been on.
