The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When I am confronted by my AH with his justifications or lies or delusions or whatever you want to call them, I have to go through my mental list of what I know.
I know he drinks, even when he says he won't.
I know he drinks and hides it.
I know there is an ever increasing stash of empty alcohol bottles accumulating in the basement.
I know he lies.
I know these are all things that are part of the disease alcoholism.
Now, what am I going to do?
AH tried to convince me that he doesn't drink on a certain occasion we were discussing. I know he does--no need to argue the point, so I didn't. He said he wouldn't drink this time. I know he will drink because he does not have a program and while he may be well-intentioned, alcoholism is more powerful than his will--no need to argue this point, so I didn't. I know he loves our children and would never do anything intentionally to harm them. I also know alcohol alters his decision-making ability--no need to argue this point, so I didn't.
Instead of being drawn into an argument, I said what I was going to do: I said what I meant but I didn't say it mean. He fought back. He tried to get me to justify and explain my action. I again said what I was going to do. Simple, clear words. No accusations. No taking his inventory. No explaining why. I simply said this is how it is going to be.
Now, AH is furious. He won't even speak to me. He hasn't said a word to me since yesterday afternoon. And I am repeating the Serenity Prayer over and over to remind myself that I must accept that I am powerless over AH's alcoholism, that I have the courage to change things that will keep myself and my children safe, and that I have wisdom to know the difference.
Hugs to you! Been there and have done it. You are acting on what you see, not what you hear. It is exhausting to stay the course, even MORE exhausting not too. You Are!
I Am proud of you. You will be in my thoughts and prayers today:) Hug those children for me, they have a wonderful Mommy!
Good for you not allowing your AH to make "his" problem "your" problem. Our alcoholic's would pefer the status quo, but over time changes in us can translate into changes in them. Keep working your program, your changes look good on you.
What an amazing program you are working!! Sending you lots of extra love and support during this time.
Hugs p :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Your way of working your program is an inspiration!
Harriet Lerner (who wrote The Dance of Anger etc.) writes that every time someone makes a significant change, people with a vested interest in the old way will wage a "Change back!" campaign. I have certainly seen this first-hand. When arguing doesn't work, they try anger. Anything to pressure us into giving way and changing back.
The great thing about Al-Anon is that it's allowed me to detach from someone else's emotions. It used to be that when my partner got sad, I got sad, and when he got angry, I got angry. So to control my own emotions I had to control him. (Or try to -- of course it didn't work.) Realizing that he could be angry without ruining my day was a revelation.
You sounds as if you have such a good handle on your serenity that your AH is pulling out all the stops to get you to change back. If you gave way, that would reward him for his actions -- "It worked! I'll just get angry next time she tries this recovery stuff!" Keep a good hold on your recovery! Glad you came to vent to us!
I dealt with this so many times. The wall of lies.
I know someone right now who talks about creating a recovery home when he is drink every single day. Denial is a really hard thing to break.
Personally I can only take so much of it. I work pretty hard not to take anyone's inventory but when the lies are pretty glaring it is hard not to.
My experience with alcoholics who are active is that they are always furious if they don't get over on you.
The ex A hated being confronted. The only thing he could handle was my saying nothing and coming to his rescue whenever he demanded it. Everything else was categorised as being oppositional and not supporting him. Of course he didnt' support me but I was supposed to provide unconditional support to him irregardless of what he did.
I have never heard this stated in such clear terms. This brings clarity to my own situation. Thank you for being strong and sharing this strength with the rest of us. May you HP be with you as you go on this journey. Keep yourself and those sweet children safe.
((((WIK)))) I know you can't see it, but I'm giving you a standing ovation here! Great, great way to think things through and stick with you're plan. Way to go!! Keep us up-dated!
Denise
__________________
"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
