BPD - Al-Anon Family Group

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

BPD

Doozy · Senior Member

I admire you Linda! You seem to be really open and fearlessly seeking out health and happiness for yourself. That is not easy, that's for sure and you seem to handle it with humor and courage! I'm glad you felt heard (that's huge!) and that you are feeling hopeful and really sounding determined. You are doing some great things for yourself and are yet another inspiration for me on this board.

~ Doozy

rosielee · Senior Member

Oh Linda- I had no idea, I wish I would have known that there was a possible diagnosis like this on the cards because i would have related to yur situation differently- not that i have been other than supportive on your posts- but BPD is extremely difficult to live with (for you)- and i really wish i had known you were like this- it would have colored every single post of yours in a different way. I think this has to be diagnosed properly with a proper psychologist though as its quite a heavy label dont you think? My mum has BPD- you may or may not know- so theres a lot i know about it- the significant issues are- swinging from impulse control that is too controlled or impulses that are out of control- never being able to hit the happy medium, high strong emotions- feelings and fear of rejection which shrouds all comunications, having difficulty with being able to empathise with other people- anger outbursts. in my mums case- the impulses - poor impulse control has caused the most havoc- i do come on this board to moan about it when i have been on the receiving end of impulsive behaviour- but at the same time i have a lot of sympathy for it. Ive seen my mum struggle and battle with her own self for many years so yu do have my sympathy and support. I have seen really big changes in my mum too- she has gone from physically attacking her family and being a highly strung neurotic maniac- to being quite fun and chilled out. Learning not to let those impulses rule her has been the biggest challenge- the biggest improvement has been learning that she cant control everything and to chill out about things. some of us in life are laid back- we let things go over out heads- and then there those- like my mum who always look at the fretful bad side of things straight away....it needs mental re-training to start to consider that life isnt going to fall apart all the time and its not all doom and gloom- and to not constantly panic about stuff....ah its all clicking into place about your posts now. but now I know i can offer you more lee way and understanding. xxxx

rosielee · Senior Member

i just wanted to say too- that now i know you have possible BPD- this doubly confirms to me that the advice you have received on this board so far has been 100% correct- not that i have any rights to judge what it right or wrong- but knowing what i do about BPD and after living alongside it for 40 years, I can say that the advice telling you to chill about your husbands pot smoking and t accept it- is absolutely 100% spot on. For BPD sufferers- learning to accept things yu cant change and to chill out about it is major i think, i know you went out to that spiritual medium show the other night- without staying in and trying to control your husbands behaviour- so this is a significant milestone in your recovery. anxiety and chronic worrying is a big BPD factor- so im so glad youve hald help with learning to accept and chill out.

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Linda,

I am proud of you always finding ways in which to practice self care. Good for you!

T

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

You've done an excellent job getting your "team" in place. If you are BPD, you are very unique. Many BPD's do not seek out help according to the psychologist that I used to see. (He's been practicing for over 30 years.)

My deceased mother suffered from this disorder all her life. She never would she consider help. My brother was recently diagnosed with BPD and now takes 3 types of medication for his condition. He is living in hell and isn't consistent with getting help.

You're doing so well. Kudos to YOU!

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

Whatever traits you have you are certainly not alone. Marsha Lineham the creator fo DBD Dialetical Behavior Therapy...is herself a survivor of BPD.

I once had a therapist who said many people have BPD traits.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/23/health/23lives.html?_r=1&pagewanted=all

The good news is that it is treatable, people do recover and you are certainly motivated and persistent enough to be one of them.

Maresie.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Linda,

Being heard is 99.9% of feeling relief. Glad you found the support you were looking for.

Hugs P :)

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

There are many counselors who feel BPD is just a complex form of PTSD... I think that diagnosis and the residue of growing up ACOA would more likely produce that.

Remember Linda, none of the mental health diagnoses are "real" with exception for a few (it is hard to argue that things like Autism and Schizophrenia are not concrete and specific conditions). Most of the disorders, and expecially the personality disorders are just categorized explanations for a grouping of behaviors or subjective symptoms.

When I was first diagnosed with depression and anxiety in my 20's, I was a grad student in clinical psych. I had myself convinced I was going to have to live in a group home...like "What a horrible tragedy...psychologist in training falls short because he goes crazy"....Anyhow, I still don't know what "disorder" I have for real....It doesn't really matter. I have a good life. Accepting the label of alcoholic is beneficial to me because it stops me from drinking. The label of depression or any other mental illness does nothing for me as I generally know that I am way more well than I am sick.

Mark

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks for your support guys.
This has been a long time coming.

Yes the psychologist said I was very unusual in asking for help. Basically, I am sick of living like this. I can tell you the trail of how I got to thinking about it, but basically it was being on this journey of self discovery, and moving away from the 'lifestyle' that was easy to 'hide' and rationalise my behaviour. My outbursts, my sarcasm, my anger, my inappropriateness, my controlling nature my intense feelings of emptiness and suicidal ideation all became apparently and clear when I was no longer working in a violent type place (military), dealing with educated people (Nurses, officers, doctors, lawyers etc as opposed to blue collar workers who are more accepting of bawdyness etc), no longer being abused in my relationship and actually having to interact on a differnt level with people as I mature.

My difficulties became more apparent to myself. I actually grew up enough to listen to what others are saying to me and to tell you the truth, I have been very confused for a very long time.

I agree I am not 'pathological' anymore. As I discussed wiht the psych, 5 to 10 years ago if this had been mentioned I would have had a very different response. In fact, I would never have even attended counselling, I don't need that. I am not the one wiht hte problem.

IN the past 5 years, I have become a better counsellor (my degree is a Nurse, and I am a Nurse, but I am also a counsellor in drug and alcohol), I have met some people that have softly and persistently encouraged me to challenge my beliefs. That was not easy sailing, I didn't talk to one of them for 2 years. She was persistent and is back in my life. She has Bi Polar and can see right through me. I have learned to watch me. It is with this, and having the issue of my husbands addiction as a challenge, and thankfully the childhood knowledge of Al Anon, that has allowed me to finally be well enough to know I am sick if you get what I mean.
and if you know BPD you will understand that statement.
I have been told I have depression and anxiety, but in reality, it just didn't sit right with me. I have always felt like this, no particular thing or incident etc.

I agree with you Mark, many many people can meet the criteria and I find it is similar to that of the ACoA laundry list. The distinction is the way it is on the inside Ithink, and the utter lack of insight most of the time, and the lack of interest in achieving insight. It is almost as if insight is the key to recovery.... and thankfully.. through this board, and the help of some special people, I have gained some insight.

I understand a label is a label, but if I didn't label my sugar and salt, I would have some very nasty cups of coffee in the morning. I am hoping now that we have identified a cause, it can be worked on and I am pretty keen for that cos I am sick of this life. I won't say I am not still scared, but I tell ya what.... it just explains so many things for me, like my utter confusion at times about what and how people feel 'normal' when my life is just a series of extremes for me.

Again thanks foryour support, I was a bit nervous telling people as I thought the response would be to tell me I am being an idiot.....

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

I can't imagine anyone of this board thinking you're an "idiot." But I could imagine them thinking you're a very brave, honest young woman.

From my personal and professional experiences, I take "labels" with a grain of salt.

Initially, when I began therapy with my former psychologist, he said that perhaps I was Bi-Polar. (My mother's sister was diagnosed as Bi-Polar.) But I'm far from that. The psych agreed later on. My problem was my thinking. Once I began to view the world differently, I didn't have the depression that I had when younger.

It's wonderful to read about your progress.

So.................. your MIP team is cheering you on!!!!!

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

I think they are thinking of changing BPD to be in the post traumatic range. Certainly its because of childhood issues. My ex husband was labelled BPD. He had intense anger issues. After we divorced he went to AA, therapy the works. Of course he wouldnt' do it when we were married because I wanted him to. I can't say I am active touch with him but he goes to mens groups and he is pretty committed to his recovery.

People do change if they want to. I know its very hard to change but it is possible with a lot of effort and support.

I used to minimize the ex husbands background because his abuse wasn't overt but the boundaries in his household were as awry on many levels as mine was. The issue was that as they were well off they were great at covering it up! He felt abused that was the issue and he hated his parents (particularly his father).

Labels can be helpfu but they can also be hurtful. I used to be absolutely open about my life to people because I needed validation. Now I don't but I don't hide it either. I am pretty open when I meet people socially that I grew up in poverty. I'm not open about the abuse part. Believe it or not some people can't even handle the poverty so what I thought I was doing when I indiscriminately disclosed about the abuse part I don't know.

I think its good to be aware but boundaries are important. We don't have to announce to the world our problems. I share them with a sponsor and with select people and I'm now on this list in a untraceable way.

Just a thought...

Maresie.

kris10 · Senior Member

Linda,

May I offer a different thought??? Have you ever REALLY looked at codependency?? I only say this because codependency can cause alot (and alot more) of the symptoms at BPD... And alot of the time we don't even know it or realize we are like this... In your case you realized something was wrong and good for you!! I too just had the same realization but in my case it was codependency... Just made me think because I was asked if I was bipolar when in one of my rants and raves a few weeks back... Also, I've had anxiety and pannick disorder for 12 years now so if you have any questions about that (i'd swear I'm almost an expert on it lol) I'm always here!!!

Either way good for you!! Just had the thought while reading your post and had to throw it out there..

rara avis · Senior Member

Hey Linda,

That is great news, what a step. You are taking the bull by the horns.

In my own life, years ago I was diagnosed w/a traumatic disorder [ no longer applicable ] and WOW did it explain a lot. It was very hard to deal with, but there really was no choice but to work on myself. My wonderful therapist and I both feel/felt like precise diagnosis aren't important except for getting a general picture and for insurance purposes if applicable. The most important thing was to figure out how to make my life better.

It sounds like you're totally owning your situation and have a great team in your corner. This stuff isn't easy but based on my experience I have to strongly opinionate that your life is going to get better too. I am happy for you!

This really is good news. Way to go!!!

rara avis

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

I have been inside my head for 40 years.

I have shared some small parts of my past, my present and my current thoughts over the past three months with this board. Not long in comparison.

I believe there have been a number of elements that together, make who I am, the thing is that I really am not sure who I am. Bits of depression, bits of codependency, bits of ACoA, bit of PTSD, bits of happiness and laughter. Bits of seeing other people that have feelings and can seem to 'handle things' etc.

Looking beyond only the tiny little small window that this board has seen of me and my life, and putting all the bits together... a clinical psychologist of over 30 years experience has said that I meet the criteria for BPD. This was not achieved in the small amounts of information I chose to give. I honestly sat with her, and wrote to her, and filled out forms and questions and responses and for one of the first times in my entire life... I took off my mask to another person in all its ugliness.....

HOw many of you guys here would have picked that yesterday, I got annoyed with a foot massager/water spa because it leaked water. I threw it off my balcony, I then threw it around the back yard and made sure it was dead all the while screaming at it. Because it leaked water. There are parts of my character that can only be seen when I take my mask off. My husband sees them unfortunately for him. No wonder he smokes dope to get away from this crazy woman!!!! (tongue in cheek there folks)

I am not hiding behind a label. A label is not what I am looking for. A label allows me to get the correct type of treatment that is more helpful to me. What I feel and think on the inside is different to depression and anxiety. It is not only codependency... nothing resides in isolation. The treatments suggested to me in the past for depression do not work becaus they make a basic assumption that we all have something that used to make us happy. Or some sort of skill of self soothing. Or an ability to regulate emotions.

I do not believe I have that and much of history backs that up.

Yesterday, my husband smoked pot. In a flash, I was angry. I screamed and slammed doors and all of that. Yes we all do that in relation to our addicts in our lives.. or have done at times.. do you also do that when the milk is finished? When the toilet paper roll hasn't been replaced. I do.

I think you guys are trying to assist me in saying do not take a label, have you thought of this, that, you are normal etc etc. I have never for even one day felt normal. Or anything like what normal could possibly look like.

When I first came to this board, I was asked what I wanted. I said 'to feel calm'.

Being told I meet the BPD traits gives me hope that things have a pathway for improvement instead of my floundering around trying out different things that may have worked forothers.

Fortunately for me, I believe that this program is going to work wonders in my recovery as it is a good base for DBT.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

The treatment can't help but do you good Linda....that's all that matters.

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Lindaoakford wrote:
Fortunately for me, I believe that this program is going to work wonders in my recovery as it is a good base for DBT.

You believe it. That is all that matters.

I say ~ trust your feelings. Feelings can guide us if we allow them to.

I think the stigma of obtaining psychological help is gradually lifting a bit. When my mother was your age, she would have died before admiting she needs helps. Hopefully, more people who suffer from behaviors such as you have described will find the courage to seek help as you are doing.

mannaguy · Member

"In a flash, I was angry. I screamed and slammed doors and all of that. "

I think you replied to my post and thanks.

Ive been doing that more & more the last two months.I hardly know myself.But at the same time I have history of out of control rage.
Not often but still it haunts me.Im only just getting to it in therapy.

Thanks for sharing and wish you the best!

mannaguy · Member

I just re-read your post again. My GF started CBT Therapy.
Not sure what that is.I thought maybe related to DBT.(?)
I read about DBT when I researched BPD.Because I thought my GF must be..
her moods/emotions were just so erratic and terrifying.
I dont subscribe to labels but damn she really fits the basic premise of BPD.
Then again I think at times I do as well(to a lesser degree),but Ive also had 25 years of therapy!

I do a more unconventional method of therapy with a psychotherapist.We've done alot of regression therapy
back into my childhood.Back to the prime issues.To when my personality and coping skills(or lack of) were being formed.

From what I understand about CBT and therapy like Anger Management they give you coping skills
on an intellectual level but don't get at the deep childhood issues.Although it does get addressed somewhat
and I still think Im going to try those therapies as well.

With regression therapy Ive gone back and re-lived traumatic scenes (as a child) then brought my present day self
into the vision and re-lived it again with my adult self as a support.Then I would re-imagine the grown-ups in my life(parents)
treating me with respect or however I thought I wanted to be treated.(Not a very good description,sorry).

Anyways I just thought Id share my experiences because I like what someone said above about BPD being a form of PTSD,which
would indicate "past" trauma.

M

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

yeah I think the reference was complex traumatic stress.
And he is right. That is big part of it and a part of BPD they say......

What you are doing, whether you have the label, the disorder, or meet the traits (as I do), is the right 'type' of thing from what I have read.

There are many ways to get to the core issue. Please also note that most people, at some point in time, can meet the criteria as stated in the disorder. Most people also, move in and out of these states. This does not mean that person has lived with BPD or any other disorder. As the word suggests, it is the extent to which the behaviours, DIS order your life that is the key factor. If you have a read through my bio, which is a quick peak at a small part of the facts of some of my life, you will see that I have had major disruptions and events from the time I was born. Just as many of us have. For me, it is the chronic nature of my reactions and the way I 'feel' that makes this a dis.. order for me, which was worse in the past, and is getting better until the point that I was able to gain some 'insight and acceptance'. That is for me, what my HP has provided in this lifetime.

I see it like treating an ulcer (I am a Nurse first and foremost) I can dress the wound and treat the surface occurance of the exudate, the skin integrity etc. But if I do not treat the underlying cause of the ulcer, debride the skin at the bottom of the issue, it will fester and I will keep attempting to heal the wound from the top down.

I need to do both. I need to maintain the skin integrity and make sure the wound does not get worse (Al Anon/CBT/DBT/positive thinking etc) and I need to debride the wound and treat the cause (schema therapy/spritual healing/regression as you talk about).

Together, it is a treatment plan that I am hoping will work for me. Please note, I have not started treatment yet. But I have started recovery here.

-- Edited by Lindaoakford on Monday 7th of November 2011 06:28:37 PM

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.