Worried about female friend's drinking - Al-Anon Family Group

jumpinjesuits · Newbie

Worried about female friend's drinking

rrib · Senior Member

The fine line between alcohol abuse (binge drinking) and alcoholism occurs when people start having a craving to drink or when they lose the ability to stop. Most of us don't really know when we cross that line because we cross it when we have little or no desire to attempt to stop.

The counseling you're seeking can help you sort out your feelings and is a great idea.

There are a number of 'tests' on-line that can help you decide if your own drinking may be beyond 'normal'. The CDC has a decent writeup about alcohol abuse http://www.cdc.gov/alcohol/faqs.htm#bingeDrinking and of course there's aa.org.

Al-Anon meetings can give you the tools you need to deal with the people around you who drink.

Doozy · Senior Member

Hi jumpinjesuits and welcome :)

You sound like a caring friend and I think you are on the right track to learn more about this kind of situation and how you want to handle it. Alanon has been a god-send for me and my life has changed dramatically for the better in just the few months since I started attending meetings and really working at this program.

I have recently been through this issue with a very serious boyfriend and the relationship has now ended, largely because of the addiction issues. I have also been looking at my friendships and noticing problem drinking more than I used to. I can't believe I just didn't take this stuff seriously. Probably because it's so accepted and almost encouraged for young people to go through that phase in college... Dangerous business. I never understood (even with alcoholism in my family). Sometimes I feel really dim about the whole thing, but I see that's just part of how I grew up and downplayed the seriousness and danger. Anyway, I have been wondering about separating from some friends who abuse alcohol, blackout, drink until they're sick or pass out in some room someplace. I've also wrestled with whether to say something to some of these friends about how I feel. I just know in my gut that I need to separate from that kind of behavior right now in my own recovery. It's not how I like to spend my time and is actually repellent to me right now.

You'll probably hear all kinds of stories and suggestions (even though we try not to give advice!). For me, I think that the most loving thing is to communicate your feelings and concerns clearly when the person is sober. I don't think it's good to clobber them with it and I try to clear any idea of controlling their behavior from my mind. I told my boyfriend how I felt, what I was concerned about and what I needed from him. It was then up to him to decide what he wanted to do with that information. I felt like I did the loving thing and I did my part. The rest is up to him and his higher power. Does that make sense? That's my perspective on it.

There's so much you can learn here by reading through all the posts and there are some wonderful books. Alanon meetings are really powerful and have been very very helpful for me. I always try to keep in mind the three C's - you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Trying to do any of those things will make everyone crazy.

Wishing you well and hope you will keep posting.

Doozy

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi and welcome! I am hoping you will be able to make it to a Al-anon face to face meetings near you and eventually find a sponsor that can help guide you. It sounds like you are in the right place and have some great questions, unfortunately we don't generally give advice or answer your personal questions. We help you decipher the answers from within yourself in Al-anon. I used to ask all my friends what to do in any given situation and take their advice or not. Now I trust my judgement and sometimes check with my sponsor just for guidance. I am so glad you posted and shared with us alittle about you. I think you are on the right track and am sending you love and support on your journey!

-- Edited by Breakingfree on Thursday 3rd of November 2011 11:00:29 PM

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Denial is part and parcel of alcoholism -- in other words, if alcoholics were capable of admitting they have a problem, they would already be in treatment. I imagine everyone on these boards has had the experience of trying and trying to persuade an alcoholic to get help. If persuading them worked, there wouldn't be any alcoholics in the world.

Al-Anon has what are called the Three C's: You didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it, and you can't Control it. The alcoholic herself has to come to the realization that she needs recovery, and that happens on her own time. We can't do anything to hurry it up. If we could, we certainly would.

But alcoholism pulls everyone in its orbit down into insanity, so we can benefit from recovery too. And when we get more understanding and practice under our belts, the whole dynamic changes. To get a start, read through all the threads on these boards, find some face-to-face meetings (they say to try six, because they're all different), get the materials, and learn all you can. In my experience it can make a huge difference. I hope you'll keep coming back.

rosielee · Senior Member

welcome- im going to say something a little controversial based on my own experience- you can easily get sucked into years worth of trying to fix and care for other people and forgetting about yourself. my whole life has somehow been based on others- when i was younger i wanted to be with my friends and live for my friends- whilst my friends were all being clever- doing their homework and trying to get somewhere in life. and there i was not forging ahead myself- as i spent so much time caring and living for other people. its good to care about someone and to recognise they have a problem- but in my view its not so good when yu start to expend so much energy in trying to help- because people have to help themselves. so i dont know what you should do- and quite frankly this girls drinking is her problem i think- you are your own priority and you have your college course to do and your own addicitive impulses to address- this is absolutely paramount and comes first i think. dont forget yourself! you are worth it. You asked whether you should leave her or stay or support- I cant tell you what to do- but i can say surely- that you should do whatever is good for YOU not your friend. Based on my own experience- people dont improve unless they want to and dont clean their act up if they are not capable or willing- no matter how much energy you spend on trying to help.

i myself- perhaps spent so much time trying to fix and care and help as it took my mind off of my own issues and worked as the perfect diversion. we are worth total investment in ourselves. and i am going to practise what i preach and get off this board now and start painting and earning a bit of cash- ive done my bit for the moment-lol

take care and good luck.

(ps- falling for people is a very easy thing to do i think. dont forget there are many- many great women ut there who you can equally fall head over heels for )

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome JJ!

I am so glad you found us. For me I gained tremendous insight into the disease of alcoholism by attending Alanon face to face meetings. Knowledge of alcoholism can be intoxicating in and of itself. Learning and using the tools of the alanon program with those that suffer from the disease is the action part of the program. What it took for me is to be willing to listen and learn in the meetings while members shared their experience, strength and hope. Gradually I began to try out some of the ideas that members talked about in story to see how whether or not it worked for me. There is an old saying, if you do what you do what you've always done, you'll get what youve always got. Nothing changes if nothing changes. For me I had to get into enough misery and pain to be willing to do something different.

One of the best Alanon pamphlets is called "Alcoholism, A Merry Go Round Named Denial" You can probably google it and find it in its entirety. Face to face meetings sometimes sell it for .75 or give them away for free. I found myself in that pamphlet as it describes alcoholism as a three act play with all of the actors playing a part in the disease.

There are other forms of literature you probably have seen suggested here such as Getting Them Sober, Toby R. Drews. I think you will find it helpful in this situation.

Most of all I am glad you found us. I do so hope I will hear more from you. Please continue to post as I enjoy hearing from newcomers.

In support,

Tommye

jumpinjesuits · Newbie

Thanks everyone! All your replies were really helpful, especially rosielee, and I am just going to take it day by day with her and try not to get sucked in.

will keep you updated.

thanks again!

jumpinjesuits · Newbie

Well, it's only been 16 days, but it's felt like an eternity. I have refused to get sucked into her behavior, but I am worried now about getting emotionally sucked in and am seriously contemplating cutting her off.

She's sensed I'm not as fun and as moved on to all her other friends and abettors, and maybe even (can't confirm, only suspect) other guys to give sexual favors to in return for attention.

I thought we had a breakthough on Monday and Tuesday nights, when we stayed up until 3:30am texting each other sober about issues we've had in our past. It was extremely heart to heart and eye-opening for both of us, and I thought it was a turning point.

Later that day she got a call from her alcoholic adopted mother - the one who has bequeathed all of these negative habits to her - where she was not only going on a bender because her cat died, but was telling her matter of factly that she wasn't going to be spending Thanksgiving with her because she was going to spend it with some new boyfriend of hers...after my friend had called her 2 weeks ago to plan Thanksgiving and they agreed on it.

Not surprisingly, my friend has now gone on a drinking binge since then, drinking on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, the last 3 days blacking out at all of them. She called me last night (early morning Sunday) at 2:30am and I was a fly on the wall for that night for 2 hours. I can't describe to you how scared, frightened, and disgusted I was. Trying to tell her how much she had been drinking, which she only realized after I told her, saying Thursday "wasn't her fault" and how she "had to go out for margaritas with friends" and didn't mean to get wasted.

Her lack of self-control and respect for herself ("I could give a 'xxxx' about anything right now. I just want to drink and lie on the floor all day.") is the most frightening. When she's drunk she sounds like her alcoholic adopted mother, cursing a lot with a baby voice saying crass stuff to get a rise out of people and declaring she's the drunkest one there. My previous most frightening moment with her was a phone call she made to her Mom after a night of blackout drinking where they were BOTH hungover sharing their crass stories about how wasted they got, how hungover they were, and how proud they were to not remember anything and do it all again the next night was...sobering to say the least.

Last night she even called me, instead of the usual texting, and left it down on the counter when her friend's father came in to talk to her. I know she doesn't even enjoy smoking pot, but I could over hear him suggesting it and her going along with it just because someone else suggested it. He went back upstairs and she went back on the phone immediately regretting smoking up and saying how she hated being that high.

She texted me now apologizing for waking me up, as she only vaguely recalls any of last night...I am fairly certain this will be our last conversation for at least this year. I am going to tell her how I feel about her behavior and walk away. This is the scariest thing I've had to do in a while. :(

-- Edited by canadianguy on Tuesday 6th of March 2012 12:52:33 AM

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